first time at the dentist since right before chemo.

last week i finally did all these things i've been meaning to do for months. like i finally made a dentist appointment for the first time since august 2007.

i really don't like the dentist. and so i was complaining about it before i went. but then as i left the house and started walking to the dentist...i felt like i was having a panic attack. but it actually wasn't about going to the dentist...i just started having the clearest memories of the LAST time i went to the dentist. i thought about how i had to call my dentist to request the quickest appointment possible so that i could get a cleaning before my chemo started. i thought about how that was one of the first times i had to tell someone random about my situation. and i remember almost crying on the phone while i made the appointment. and do you remember the woman who cleaned my teeth? was her name mary? she was the one who told me all about her own crazy cancer history...and all the incredible things she did for herself to try to get through it. all these art projects. creating a concrete area where she could throw and break glass.

anyway. so i could feel my heart beating faster and faster as i thought more and more about what was happening in my life the last time i went to the dentist. and i hadn't even stepped into the dentist office.

so i actually step into the dentist office...and walk into an entirely different experience.

i meet with the dentist. she sits across from me at a round dinner table. she went over all the paperwork i had filled out. i had had to check "yes" to surgery, cancer, chemo, serious illness. (that in itself was difficult enough.) then she starts telling me about all of her friends who've had breast cancer. a total of 6. one of her best friends had bc 10 years ago. lots of side effects from the chemo. 4 of her high school friends who live back in china. she talked on and on and on. which turned my emotions from completely anxious to completely annoyed...honestly. i didn't feel empathy or sympathy or anything like that from her. i felt this incessant need to tell her own stories.

and then she got up from the dinner table. and i noticed this sitting next to me on the table:















so THEN i sat down in the dentist chair and started talking to the dentist that was going to clean my teeth. this cute kid in his 20s who was frustrated because he had originally asked for the day off to attend a secret wedding. a secret wedding? his girlfriend's friends were eloping and they needed a witness.

THEN he asked me all about my job. what i do. who i work with. why i like it. what do i talk with them about. how long i've been in the field. when i knew i wanted to be a social worker. (all extremely cute questions if my mouth hadn't been full of dental equipment.) i told him i knew i wanted to be a social worker since i was 15. he said he knew he wanted to be a dentist since he was 16. and he told me why. you get to talk to people all day. and you don't really have to do much. and he told me his favorite thing is extractions. yuccccccccccccccck.

so. in the end, it was a cute experience. no cavities even though i haven't been to the dentist in 18 months. but it really did feel like a whirlwind of emotions.

growing, growing, growing.

if my hair is soaking wet and i pull it as hard as i can, my hair is long enough to reach my collar bones! woohoo! it only took 16 months!

read this. (depressing)

there is a TEN-YEAR OLD in southern california who was diagnosed with breast cancer last month.
wow.
so messed up.

http://www.sgvtribune.com/ci_12248253?source=email

read this. (inspiring)

a piece about living through three cancer diagnoses before the age of 30. the author is a friend of mine from first descents.

http://www.canceradvocacynow.org/site/TR/Events/General?pxfid=1250&fr_id=1050&pg=fund&et=CJbWfceZTOZud0OBD9J3Fg..&s_tafId=1100

since i had the third procedure...

...i thought i should give an update.

my new boob is now about a C. (one A, one C)

my cousin yelled, from 100ft in a parking lot in golden gate park, that it really was a good size for me. my coworker said that it really was the perfect size for me. it balanced me out. when i had six coworkers all around me inspecting the new size...all of them said it was perfect. except one. she said, "go BIGGER!"

so, i really like it.

but it's one full week after the third pump-up and it's still hurting, aching, stinging. which is totally normal. but just unsettling.

and also, i've been meaning to say how much i love my surgeon.
every time i'm there i have my coffee with me. he comments on it every time. and this time he wanted to know all the details. which just killed me. he wanted to know what kind of coffee. why i was so particular about my coffee. sugar? half and half? organic? he just wanted to know all the details. and WHEN was the last time any doctor cared or even had the time to even wonder about those details?

check my ponytails!!!