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...before i can really start to put this definitely-not-fun year behind me.i cannot wait for 2008.cannot wait.
it's christmas eve and i feel sentimental about our old christmas eve traditions.
we used to all trek 2 blocks to the smiths' house for dinner. for the best years, the kids were banished to the kids' table in the kitchen where everything was much more fun. we had fish chowder then graduated to lasagna. we all opened presents. we sang christmas carols while stanley played the piano. everyone involved remembers it all so fondly that it's kind of heartbreaking that we don't do it anymore. there was an exodus from salem to the west.
those were the days.
and here i am thinking a lot about this past year. god. what is there to say?
the surgery and the chemo are behind me. there are so many changes ahead. so much to think about. so much to reconsider.
what i want to say and what i want to make as clear as i possibly can is that there is no way in hell i could've gotten through this 6-month stretch without all of you. your visits. your advice. your thoughts. your prayers. asking others to pray for me. the most thoughtful packages ever. the flowers. your calls. your messages. your letters. your paintings. the advent calendar. the hair cutting. the gelato. the outpouring, as i've said before, has been completely overwhelming.
and just to know that so many of you read what i write. check all the time. think of me all the time.
i am so used to being a social worker, listening to and helping others for so much of my days. all of this help and caring and thoughtfulness and genuine genuine love just sends me over the edge into puddles of tears. in an amazing way. and as much as i've been able to communicate through this blog...i really don't think i can verbalize how important you all have been for me. for my healing. for my sanity. for everything.
so. thank you.
and merry christmas.
and i cannot wait for 2008.
it's going to be so. much. better. than 2007.
xxoo
well, i'm finally starting to feel better. i'm not too nauseous. not too tired. not too achy. and so far, the potential side effect of the neupogen shots - bone pain, hasn't hit me. so i have two more shots to go and then i'm officially done with everything related to chemo. 2 more!
the other good news is that my disability payments FINALLY went through. i've been waiting since september. and finally, with the help of my dr. and social worker, everything got figured out. even though it's not so much money, it's SUCH a relief. with my insurance payments, my medical bills - nevermind food and mortgage...it was getting pretty ridiculous.
i just did the shot in the stomach.
admittedly it was not as bad as i thought. but the build-up was horrible.
one down. four to go.
somehow it seems that my body has become used to chemo...or else i'm better at taking the meds.
the last two days haven't been as bad as the other rounds...not as nauseous, so far not as tired. however, i did wake up at 4 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep until 6. seems like i could thank the steroids for that.
and it does seem a little harder to down water/liquids today than it did yesterday. but i have to get down 8-10 glasses.
oh...and the shots. i've tried not to think about that part of the day yet.
okay, so i slept about 10 hours last night, i've had my anti-nausea pills, i'm trying to drink apple juice, and i think i'm ready to relate everything that happened yesterday.
so, let's see. my friends anne and moss had a baby 4 days ago. so i scheduled my pre-chemo blood test around them. i went to get the test and was told i could call in an hour for the results - the results that would tell me if my white counts were high enough to get chemo.
so i got pricked. then went over to anne and moss' to see baby tobias...so damn cute and healthy with 10 fingers and 10 toes. and this is where the emotional damn started to break loose. at their house i cried.
at my next stop at the nutritionist, i cried. although, i got some really good information about how i should take care of myself from now on. exercise is HUGE. no drinking is huge. and every day i will take a multi-vitamin, calcium, magnesium, vitamin D, fish oil, and CoQ10. colleen, the nutritionist, said that women taking tamoxifen (the drug i have to take for 5 years to prevent recurrence) are at high risk for osteoporosis - hence the calcium. she said vitamin D is good for everyone but especially good for cancer survivors - something about receptors on the cells, i can't really remember. and one of my chemo drugs, adriamycin, is very hard on the heart...so CoQ10 works to protect it. it felt really good to talk to her and, like i said, start to get back a feeling that i could take care of my body. repair, heal, take control.
after the nutritionist i finally got through to the kaiser nurses for my test results. last week my neutrophil count (part of the white blood cells) had been .9 when they are supposed to be a minimum of 1.5. yesterday the test showed they were all the way up 2.6!! (i actually didn't cry getting the results.)
my next stop was kaiser. and everyone i talked to there made me cry. the first nurse, diane, who administered the adriamycin. then i talked to the social worker, dennis, and he made me cry - telling me he was proud of me, that i was DONE, from that day on i was cancer-free. then i was still crying when the pharmacist came to talk to me about new drugs i have to take - he didn't really deal with the tears that well. and even a second nurse made me cry. then later, when i was officially done with chemo, about 7 nurses came around the chemo-chair, blowing bubbles and singing "hit the road jack and don't you come back no more!" more tears. which made my mom cry. and we made two nurses cry. so they all hugged me.
and that was it. i was done. all i had to do was pick up my prescriptions. and oh...the prescriptions...
because my white blood counts were so low last time and this time... dr. kogel prescribed me neupogen that will work on my bone marrow to help build up my white blood cells. that way i won't be as susceptible to infection. sounds great, right? right. except that neupogen comes as self-injectable SHOTS! i have to inject myself with a one-inch needle into my stomach! once a day for five days. scary, scary, scary. so. those shots are scheduled to start tomorrow. we'll just have to see how brave i can be. i recognize my bravery up until now...but injecting MYSELF with a needle in the stomach?! i don't know about that.
anyway. this morning i think i feel okay. i'm trying to drink a lot of liquid...i'm instructed to drink 8-10 glasses of water in the first two days. so much when the thought of drinking makes me shiver. i'll try to eat. and i'll rest. we'll see how it all goes.
i am officially d-o-n-e done with chemo. i have a lot to say...but i'm exhausted.
the only two goals for tomorrow will be drinking ridiculous amounts of water and writing one blog entry all about my big day today.
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