after ALL that...

...turns out the medical deductions wouldn't even help me.

without other deductions like mortgage payments or something like that, taking the standard deduction is more beneficial than just the medical. i feel like i tricked myself to go into the temple of doom and it wasn't even necessary.

one sure fire way to relive last year's trauma?

prepare taxes.

ug. my stomach has been turning for the last half hour as i organize all my medical receipts for taxes. i'm reliving every appointment since june. the first appt when i felt the lump. the mammogram. the mri and the fainting mri. the surgery. the appt to get the drain out. the oncology appts. all the chemos. and all the prescriptions. my stomach turns every time i see a receipt for a prescription. dexamethasone.? gag. prochlorperazine? gag. aprepitant? gag, gag, gag.

no wonder they say someone else should take care of all your paperwork.

rager with the fam

this weekend was my cousin's bachelorette weekend up in dillon beach, ca. we all rented a house, ate, hottubbed, hiked, beached. it was beautiful...and though this entry won't have anything to do with cancer...it DOES have to do with feeling like - considering the circumstances - i feel like i made the right choice to come to california. being close to friends and family is really, really nice.

more info on moisturizers

8 ingredients to avoid

1. mineral oil, paraffin, and petrolatum,
2. parabens
3. phenol carbolic acid
4. propylene glycol
5. acrylamide
6. sodium laurel or lauryl sulfate (sls) or sodium laureth sulfate (sles)
7. toluene
8. dioxene

check out this link for the details on the ingredients. basically, they clog pores, are connected to cancer, and are found in engine degreasers. not so good for you.
http://products.mercola.com/natural-body-butter/

i should really be working on a cheat sheet to bring to the store, huh? there's SO much to remember.

a mini support group

the other day i finally met my friend lynn!

my brother had put us in touch with each other because we have the unfortunate cancer camaraderie. we've been emailing for the last 8 months but had never met. and this week, lynn came to sf to visit a few friends and ME. it was great, great, great to meet her. we spent all this time walking in the marin headlands. we compared hair growth and our scars, chatted it up about eating and planning our lives after cancer. it was especially nice because we spent a lot of time with lynn's friend willie who, unfortunately, is going through chemo right now. willie joined us at the table for our cancer support group. i really haven't spent that much time with people who've gone through cancer. and it was really nice (as well as a bit depressing) to all have shared experiences - of shivering at the bad taste of water during chemo, of losing our hair identity, of the nausea and the exhaustion, etc.

it was lovely to hang out. and it reinforced my feelings of frustration; why are so many people getting *@!*# cancer????

milestone

tuesday night marked the first time i left the house without my wig on in...something like 4-5 months.

gretchen and i went to crossfit (sanfranciscocrossfit.com) for our scheduled tuesday night workout. i went without a hat. without a wig. no one recognized me, asked me if this was my first class. coach kelly was so excited to see it. asked if he could make a big deal about it to the group. i hesitated...thought about...and said it was okay.

so we had a painful workout of all this running, all these kettleball lifts, and pullups.

and then at the end, kelly had us in a circle. recognizing one person's first crossfit workout. recognizing great workouts of a few people. and then he said..."we have a really big deal tonight, though. one person among us came out in public for the first time in 4 months without a wig on! meghan kearney! " everyone turned towards me and started clapping. i interrupted them, though. i felt this desperate need to explain..."yeah, but kelly, you have to explain why i was wearing a wig. it wasn't just my choice. i just finished chemo." and everyone started clapping again. it was really sweet.

afterwards people came up to me. told me my hair looked cute. that they never would've known. congratulated me on having completed chemo. it was a really nice feeling.

and i feel like it'll really help me to stay motivated at crossfit. i had been feeling a bit like a slacker because i'm so out of shape - thanks to just being lazy and thanks to chemo. but now that everyone knows about the chemo - i feel both like i'm allowed to be a bit of a slacker and like i'm not allowed to be a slacker at all. it'll give me that extra motivation to work my ass off when i feel like i can't anymore.

in the same way my friends helped welcome me into the bald-world, it was a really nice welcome into a wig-free world.

well...

...dream job is off the table.

lame lame.

but what does it say in that poem to the right? "...clearing you out for some new delight..." that's what it is. i just needed some space to go out and find another dream job. probably craigslist will be glad to have me back all day everyday.

it WAS nice, though, that the director called me to tell me they had chosen someone else. it was between me and another social worker with a license. the license beat me. but she knows whoever gets me in the end will be lucky. thanks for second place.

good thing is that today i went on an interview with a residential drug treatment place for teenagers. i really liked the people. and although i've never worked in residential treatment before...maybe it would be a good step in a learning direction. we'll see.