one year

it has taken me a few days to process all of this. one year since i was spending time with kelly and rachel in westchester. one year since the radiologist called at 4:45pm to shock the absolute hell out of me. one year since crying myself to sleep, listening to ratatat.

in some ways it feels like a MILLION years ago. but i can remember so many details. phone calls to set up the surgery. the heat of the boston summer. being on the train, the plane and desperately trying to hold in my tears.

god, it's so weird thinking about it all.

but what i do like to think about is all i'm grateful for now.

-for every single person in my family - my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandmother, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, my second cousins, my second cousin's kids, everyone. i feel so loved.

-for my friends, my friends, my friends. it makes me tear up just thinking about how everyone has helped me through this shitty year. the closeness i have felt. the energy radiating from you to me.

-and for kitty. of course. she probably deserves a medal for all the minutes she's spent cozying up next to me, licking tears off my face, and getting me out of the house when i felt like i couldn't even get off the couch.

this past thursday (the one year anniversary of my diagnosis) i had a job interview. at the very end of the interview, the woman told me that basically, she's really looking for someone with strong, positive energy. that felt like my cue. i told her that i was going to "self-disclose" - the first time i've talked about it in an interview setting. i told her that i had been diagnosed with cancer last year. and that as typical, as cheesy, as boring as it sounds...i came through cancer a stronger, brighter person. not wanting to waste my life. feeling happy and light. wanting to enjoy everyone and everything. and it's all true.

here i am. in sf. spending time at the beach. spending time with all my friends and all my family. making exercise a priority and loving it. making healthy food choices. still watching bad tv like america's next top model and so you think you can dance. (totally fine.)

what do i still need?
a job. health insurance. a new car. and i'm still waiting on the boob.
i think once i get even just the first two, i'm going to feel like i'm really on track to getting my life to where it needs to be.

so. as i continue to start this bright, shiny new year of mine...thank you. thank you. thank you. thank.god.for.ALL.of.you. my chest feels heavy and tight just thinking about how important everyone has been to me this year.


love.
love.
love.