scheduled mammogram

hm. nervewracking. i just scheduled a mammogram for tomorrow. i haven't had one since all my breast cancer was confirmed. it's all just routine. but still. i can definitely feel my increased anxiety.

true love and practice boobs

i was playing around with different bra sizes and decided to ask kitty what she thought. can you tell by her eyes that she loves them?

jeez.

these days, all i do all day is look at pictures of women's breasts.

comparing. contrasting.
it's ridiculous.
is this what it's like to be a guy?

reconstruction consultation

i was really looking forward to my reconstruction appointment on friday morning. but i don't think i like the surgeon. and that bums me out because now the process just became a little harder, needs a little more effort, and it already felt pretty intense.

so. not that a surgeon needs the best bedside manner to be a good surgeon. BUT, in that department, he wasn't good at all. came in. said, so i guess this is an informational session? then asked me what questions i had for him. i knew what questions to ask because i'd already had a consultation with a dr. in denver before my mastectomy...but i still wasn't sure i was asking all the right questions.

anyway, the final thing he did was show me 3 pictures of his "results." and they totally weren't good! i was so disappointed. one of them you could basically SEE the implants. the other ones? they just didn't look right.

so i tried to take a few steps back. wondered if maybe my expectations were too high. so i looked online for pictures of reconstruction surgeries. of course, i found some horribly scary ones. but mostly i just found normal looking ones that looked way better than the ones my dr. showed me. so. i'm disappointed. and now i have to do some research into finding a better doc.

but.
what i did find out is...
1) the entire procedure will take 9-12 months.
2) i will definitely have to get the other boob enlarged.
3) i will probably need to be out of work for 7-10 days for each of the two surgeries.
4) the implants last about 15 years and you can only tell if they are failing through mri's - which i should get once a year.
hm.
all in all, it just doesn't sound that great.

friday's a big day

'big' being the key word.

i have my first breast reconstruction consultation with my new plastic surgeon friday morning at 9:30. can't wait to see how his thoughts compare to those of my guy in denver. remember the whole...can't make it small enough?
:)

*sigh*

i'm not sure that i can do my first descents experience justice. but apparently people like my aunt susan are dying to know the details. :) so i'll try my hardest to put some words to the experience.

first word.
incredible.

second word.
amazing.

third word.
please let me go back!

i drove approximately 7 hours into northern california on windy one-lane roads (yes, in the saturn) to get to otter bar kayaking school located near forks of the salmon, ca. basically where the salmon and the klamath rivers meet. otter bar is beautiful. a bunch of buildings and cabins surrounded by the salmon river, beautiful trees, ponds. a hot tub. an outdoor shower. a sauna with a window looking out over the river.

we ate incredible food every single meal. another participant actually took pictures of each menu because it felt like it was all too good to be true. chocolate molten lava cakes with raspberry sauce and whipped cream. risotto with fresh tomatoes, basil, and corn. fresh asparagus. almond-crusted french toast with real maple syrup. i mean? seriously. it was ridiculous.

i met amazing people. there were 11 participants - 5 guys, 6 women. ranging in age from 18 to 40. people came from all over (miami, vermont, oregon, montana, 3 san franciscans) having had all kinds of cancers (breast, ovarian, brain tumors). every.single.person was SO funny and SO nice and SO interesting. we had such a good time together. participants and the 5 staff and the 6 volunteers.
we played constant bocce.











and laughed all the time.











and kayaking?
it was SO MUCH FUN. i felt comfortable on the river. learned how to turn, go forward, AND how to roll. we spent a few days practicing in the ponds then moved out to the klamath for some rapids. the first day on the rapids none of the ladies flipped. we rocked it. the second day on the same stretch of river? i flipped in the first puny rapid. but was saved within seconds by amazing instructors.

and that was part of the amazingness of it all. we had three otter bar instructors plus brad (founder of first descents) and corey (8-year first descents instructor/counselor veteran). it was practically a one to one ratio of instructors to students. and every person had THE best attitude, the best laugh, the most fun in the water, the sweetest ways of helping.











i don't know what else to say.
basically, i went on this trip because my brother and my friend kelly starrett were pressuring me, begging me to do it, making sure it actually happened. and it turned out to be the most aMAZing experience. i was happy for 7 days straight, smiling, laughing, cracking up as i came up after flipping myself in the water. and i feel stronger. and braver. and understood. and respected. all in 7 days. all with a focus on kayaking.











in.
credible.

who would've thought...

who would've thought that i, sarah meghan kearney, would be driving 6 hours into northern california to spend a week on the salmon river learning how to kayak? for free. with cancer survivors. i never would've thought. but here i am. after a week on the river, i plan to impress the pants off my paddler friends and family who practically spend their lives on the water.

i will be on the river from saturday sept 6th to saturday sept 13th. i will definitely not have cell service. i may have internet. i definitely will have access to a hot tub and a masseuse.

life seems to be pretty good - especially thanks to first descents.
www.firstdescents.org