it's been too long.

do your breast self exam today. it really can make a difference.

and then go out and buy organic spinach, lotion without parabens, and no more plastic water bottles. and then exercise.

do it.

http://www.acog.org/publications/patient_education/bp145.cfm

"i'll try anything these days..."

i'm such a liar. i couldn't do it this morning. i woke up and could not imagine dancing away my cancer issues.

what i might try instead though is fishing away my cancer issues.

our friends tom and marime found out about this organization called casting for recovery (http://www.castingforrecovery.org/) that provides weekend-long fly-fishing lessons for breast cancer survivors. i am hesitant only because there's an on-duty psychotherapist. immediately i was like. ug. gag me. and then i remembered that, uh, my current title is psychotherapist and i'm always trying to convince people of the incredible benefits of therapy.

expressive arts therapy

look what i'm going to do tomorrow!

Tamalpa Life/Art as a Creative Healing Force
This workshop is for people whose life is or has been affected by illness, their caregivers and health care practitioners. We will explore how embodied creativity such as movement/dance, visual art, dialogue and writing is a healing force that nurtures mind, body and spirit, connecting us to our resources within. About the facilitator: Astrid Mackwitz is a graduate from Tamalpa Institute, currently pursuing her MA in Expressive Arts Therapy. She is facilitating expressive arts therapy groups for adults facing cancer at the Marin Cancer Institute through the Foundation for Integrative Oncology.

i found out about it through a friend at work who has her masters in expressive arts therapy. i was asking her about suggestions for helping through my new body issues and she suggested this...and it's free.

it's a little weird...i wouldn't think that i would normally do something like this....but...whatever...i'll try anything these days.

my first physical therapy session...

i feel like i should probably wait a few hours (at least) to comment on my very first physical therapy session...but i'm just so excited that i wanted to just share now...and probably later, too.

so. the samfund is paying for my physical therapy. and instead of going to some random kaiser person. i get to have kelly starrett. so we had our first session at his house today. and actually, now that i'm writing, i'm not even sure what to say about it all.

i can't stop marveling at how similar social work and physical therapy are. kelly asked me what my goals were, what my fears were. i said, as you may guess, getting a pull-up again, feeling balanced, and getting over the fear i feel. the simple THOUGHT of doing a pull-up now just makes my pec crawl deep into my body to never come out again. the strength that would take. the flexibility. ow. ow. ow.

but here's the parallel to social work. kelly was like. okay. hold on. of course, you can't go from stiff, inflexible surgery site to pull-up in a day. so we will take it step by step. imagine yourself just walking your hands against the wall. imagine holding your body in plank position and not going down into a full push-up. imagine all the millions of steps in between complete lack of range of motion on the right side and the pull-up...and we'll take it one by one.

i felt like cracking up. it's exactly what i do with my clients. they are like, i want to pass all my classes. and i'm like, okay, first things first. you have all f's. and it's going to be really hard work getting from f's to all passing. let's imagine the steps that you're going to have to take to get to your goal. and writing out these steps can take a lot of the anxiety away. it can make it less overwhelming.

so here i was. not doing anything (not really moving, not really stretching) because i was too scared to attempt anything out of fear. and now kelly's like...okay, stretch this way. lie this way for 2 minutes. hold your hand out here for 30 seconds. and we'll stretch that muscle and elongate it. and i'll feel more confident and more secure to actually start to get to where i want to go.

*sigh*
it's really nice.
satisfying.
balancing (emotionally and physically) in just one hour.

kelly tells me that we'll start slow. and there will be times when i tell him i hate him and i'm sweating and writhing in pain because of him. but today was a nice, slow start. *sigh*

as reported by the AP:

"The metal underwire in a Detroit woman's bra was credited with deflecting a bullet fired at her during a break-in at a neighbor's home. Detroit police Officer Leon Rahmaan said the 57-year-old woman apparently looked out her window Tuesday when one of three men fired the shot.

He said the slug smashed through her window pane before hitting the bra's underwire. It did not penetrate her skin.

Police said she may have gone to the window after a burglar alarm at the house next door sounded. Her neighbor was not at home at the time.

The suspects drove away after the shooting."

interesting...i wonder how effective the combination of underwire and silicone could be??

*sigh*

i commend myself for continuing to try to find *the* answer to all these cancer woes. but i'm starting to wonder how i continue to have this optimism when i seem to have the same type of experience over and over.

wednesday night i went to the lecture, "the other shoe: coping with uncertainty after cancer treatment." it was put on by the comprehensive cancer center of ucsf. i had these visions that it would solve all my angst. it was *fine* but not great. not all i hoped for. which...i'm realizing i need to pair down my hopes for *the* answer from one single source.

the problem i find is that so many people use these informational events as forums to discuss their own cancer stories. using it like a support group. and i can't handle that. it happens all.the.time. and yet each time it happens i end up being astounded. every.single.time.

so, what did i learn? be pro-active in my care ie. go to my oncologist, get mammograms, be vigilant. AND, at the same time, live in the moment and work to increase positive emotions. seek out opportunities for joy. give yourself a prescription to enjoy lunch with a friend, going to the ocean. notice the beauty. and keep a gratitude journal.

even the psychologist who presented said none of this is stuff your grandmother couldn't tell you.

speaking of whom...my grandmother recently had a medical scare. when i called her in the hospital she said she would be fine but that she was frustrated she had to stay in the hospital for a bit because she had so many plans the upcoming week that she would miss out on. my soon-to-be 89 year grandmother had two birthday parties (one a 90 minute drive from her house), one regular volunteering gig at a local battered women's shelter, and three days she normally goes to the gym. my grandmother is more active than i am. i told her that i actually need to wear a t-shirt to remind myself of "joie de vivre," the joy of living life. and here she is, no t-shirt reminding her...and she just runs around doing a million different things with such a positive attitude.

notice the beauty? my grandmother is amazing. it's beautiful to know she is almost 89 and still tells doctors she feels "ducky."

keep a gratitude journal? i'm grateful to have her blood running through my veins. i would write that in my gratitude journal if i had one.

two MORE big things...

this is what i came home to tonight:

(the note from my roommate reads...

"meghan, don't fret about your boobs! i'm sure, in time, you will make the right decision for you. hey - here are some grapefruit! enjoy!")

this is the fun we had afterwards:

two big things - both good, both hard.

yesterday i got my boob pumped up a ton. 

today i went to a memorial service for a woman from my support group. 

both hard events. both good to be a part of. very different.

so yesterday i went to meet with dr. simonds in south san francisco. (nurse cely was wearing all pink - pink pants, pink vest, pink shirt, pink hair elastic, pink socks.) he checked out how the first pump had gone then started pumping me up again. last time he had pumped in 60ml of saline. this time he pumped in another 80! i keep thinking about the number 80. and the thing that keeps rushing through my head is a part from "the princess bride," when the prince is furious with wesley so he runs into the magic tree/torture machine to "suck years" out of wesley's life. the guy screams, "not to 50!" as the prince turns the torture machine to suck 50 years from wesley's life. it's all that goes through my head when i think about this latest pump-up.

there's a lot of saline in there. 140ml. 140ml is still less than 2/3 cup. but it feels like it's about 10 cups. it's definitely stretching my skin. even stretching the scar open a little...which is disgusting. 

and i'll keep whining a little. it's totally painful this time. it hurts to sneeze again. it hurts to cough. this morning it hurt to get out of bed. and the scar stung this morning in the shower. ow.ow.ow. 

BUT. the good? i'm totally stacked (on one side). i'm definitely a B cup.

__________________________________________________________________

and then today?

today was a very different experience from yesterday. today i went to the memorial service for a woman in my support group. jane bresnick. i had been in just a few groups with her. when she was 40, she was diagnosed with stage 1 invasive duct cancer. (sound familiar?) when she was 41, she was diagnosed with a recurrence. 2 sundays ago she was fine. she was feeling tired. but she was feeling fine. by thursday she was diagnosed with leukemia. and on sunday she died. the likely culprit? the chemo that treated the breast cancer.

it was so crazy. no one expected it, not even jane. and the support group community seems to be very shaken. they have experienced a lot of deaths in the last few months. 

jane's death shook me for a few reasons. 

her first diagnosis was my diagnosis. i never believed i had cancer, right? and i don't think it ever crossed my mind that i would die. i was most scared that i would lose the functioning of my ovaries. and then i was scared to lose my hair. but i don't think my own death ever crossed my mind. with jane's death, it has. which is very scary. i have felt that feeling of helplessness again. what in the world can i do to prevent a recurrence?! exercise. eat well. drink water. take tomoxifen. and that's it? that does not seem like enough. i have this renewed anxiety. 

it has felt like a wake-up call. okay, meghan, get your ass back in gear. take your supplements. drink that green tea you said you would drink in your new year's resolution. live life fully. don't just sit around.

i talked to my oncologist about my fears. what can i DO? he said that i'm doing all i can. (grrr.) he told me about 7 years ago, a coworker of his died. and a friend and minister of his was trying to help him cope with his feelings. she told him about a cartoon she had seen. three men standing around a well. for some reason, all three men fall into the well. you see all three men screaming, freaking, falling down the well. next frame, you see them still freaking and screaming. next frame, 3 months later, they are still falling down the well, but they are having fun doing it, they are calmly falling down the well.

so. that's not actually what i was hoping for, dr. liu. i was hoping, i knew i was hoping for too much, for the thing i could do to prevent a recurrence. i wanted him to say, meghan, if you just do 180 sit-ups a day you'll be okay. meghan, if you stop drinking coffee. meghan, if you just.... 

but no. he said i need to fall gracefully.

i was disappointed. but he is so damn sweet and sincere that i couldn't be mad at him. i couldn't be mad at him for not having the answer to, "how can i prevent cancer?"

so he left the room. and i looked at the wall. and found a pamphlet for "The Cancer Survivorship Program." the lecture on tuesday? "The Other Shoe; Living with Uncertainty." the lecture at the end of april? "The Risk of Recurrence - Boosting the Odds for Breast Cancer Survival through Diet and Exercise." 

just like i did in denver, by going to lectures, workshops, and support groups, i will get through this feeling of powerlessness by learning how to survive and thrive.  both cliche and exhausting. but true.

______________________________________________________________

jane's memorial service sort of helped me to see that, too. 

jane was a kindergarten teacher at an elementary school half a block from my house. learning that made her death feel more real to me. thinking about all the kids i see walking to school. thinking about how they will experience her death.

this afternoon the school had a memorial service for her in the kindergarten playground/garden. staff talked about how important jane was to them. how much she taught them to live in the moment. how one of her favorite phrases was, 'be kind.' the kindergarteners sang a song about love growing. the fifth graders sang, "Lean on Me." and then the principal said that everyone would get to blow some bubbles. we would all think of positive thoughts to send to ms. bresnick or to friends or family. we would think of these thoughts and blow the bubbles up into the air. while we were blowing these bubbles, we would be hearing a special kind of music. a kind of music that ms. bresnick loved. she loved to travel to latin america. she loved to dance. so the music we will listen to is called salsa music. 

so here we are, maybe about 400 kids and adults, blowing bubbles into the air of a windy, sunny day in san francisco, listening to salsa music. all thinking positive thoughts for jane. it was a beautiful way to remember to "live a little bit like jane: be kind. take time. celebrate. smile."

pump, pump, pump it up.

...and he pumped and he pumped and he kept on pumping. and now i'm feeling it. 

wow. 

i'm still trying to figure out how it feels, how i can move, when it hurts, and even how it looks!

i'll do some investigating and come back to write a missive.