*sigh*

i commend myself for continuing to try to find *the* answer to all these cancer woes. but i'm starting to wonder how i continue to have this optimism when i seem to have the same type of experience over and over.

wednesday night i went to the lecture, "the other shoe: coping with uncertainty after cancer treatment." it was put on by the comprehensive cancer center of ucsf. i had these visions that it would solve all my angst. it was *fine* but not great. not all i hoped for. which...i'm realizing i need to pair down my hopes for *the* answer from one single source.

the problem i find is that so many people use these informational events as forums to discuss their own cancer stories. using it like a support group. and i can't handle that. it happens all.the.time. and yet each time it happens i end up being astounded. every.single.time.

so, what did i learn? be pro-active in my care ie. go to my oncologist, get mammograms, be vigilant. AND, at the same time, live in the moment and work to increase positive emotions. seek out opportunities for joy. give yourself a prescription to enjoy lunch with a friend, going to the ocean. notice the beauty. and keep a gratitude journal.

even the psychologist who presented said none of this is stuff your grandmother couldn't tell you.

speaking of whom...my grandmother recently had a medical scare. when i called her in the hospital she said she would be fine but that she was frustrated she had to stay in the hospital for a bit because she had so many plans the upcoming week that she would miss out on. my soon-to-be 89 year grandmother had two birthday parties (one a 90 minute drive from her house), one regular volunteering gig at a local battered women's shelter, and three days she normally goes to the gym. my grandmother is more active than i am. i told her that i actually need to wear a t-shirt to remind myself of "joie de vivre," the joy of living life. and here she is, no t-shirt reminding her...and she just runs around doing a million different things with such a positive attitude.

notice the beauty? my grandmother is amazing. it's beautiful to know she is almost 89 and still tells doctors she feels "ducky."

keep a gratitude journal? i'm grateful to have her blood running through my veins. i would write that in my gratitude journal if i had one.