owwwwwwwwww

first of all, i thought vicodin caused drowsiness NOT insomnia. i'm lying in bed. my boob is killing me. and vicodin, true to our past history together, has done nothing for me.

i got pumped up this morning. and there's so much to say, i'm hoping through writing things will get a little clearer for me.

so today cely (the nurse) was wearing flourescent green pants and a scrub top with zebra print and flourescent green trim. she's about 4'10" at most. and her daughter bought this outfit for her in a size medium. cely was disappointed but knew her daughter meant well. cely also told me that she's most likely going to retire in november of this year. kaiser is asking people to retire and she's been there for 35 years. she's a nurse. her husband was a doctor. two of her daughters are nurses. and one daughter and one son are doctors.

anyway. she was so cute. she said she would miss me if she retired.

so then dr. simonds came in. as usual looking like he's about to crack up at something funny going on in his head. i asked him all these questions about recovery after surgery, cup size advice, saline vs. silicone. he answered 1) same as the february surgery with most of the pain in my left boob, 2) he suggests a C - longer story to follow, and 3) silicone; there is no evidence that silicone implants cause problems.

so we talked long and hard about the size issue. i told him that i was starting to get a little greedy...that maybe a B isn't all that exciting. that maybe i wanted a small C. he thought and thought and looked and looked. and then said that we could do two things. 1) we could do the surgery as scheduled, july 10th. the cup size would be a large B. or 2) we could postpone the surgery (uggggggggg), do another pump up in july, wait the preferred 2 months for the skin and muscle to fully stretch, and THEN have the surgery in september/october. he looked at me dead seriously, the man who never seems to really give his advice or opinion, and said, "you would have GREAT.(pause for emphasis).boobs."

hi-larious. hilarious. my surgeon says he could make me great boobs.

so now i'm stuck with a decision to make. what is more important? what would give me the longer term satisfaction? which do you like bettah?

do i go for the gold, strive for greatness, go big or go home? do i get my life back on track, as expected, in july vs. october? do i really care about the difference between a B and a C? i've gone this far, gone through so much, why not achieve some reconstructive surgeon's version of perfection? will i have men staring first at my chest and never at my face? will i feel disappointed i didn't go one step further?

so.much.to.think.about.

and all of this while my boob is KILLLLLLING me. it's stinging with all the nerve endings that have grown back. VERY stretched. hurts to turn in the car to back up. hurts when kitty pulls on the leash. hurts to get out of bed (aGAIN). my body won't LET me sneeze cause it knows it'll hurt too much - i get to the first part of the sneezing, the inhale...and my body shuts it down. i literally just keep whimpering to myself...whining, whimpering, pouting.