yesterday i almost fainted thanks to surgical tape.
the surgical tape from the february 11th surgery stayed on for over a month. i liked having it there. i felt protected. i didn't really have to look at the new scar. but it finally started to come off yesterday...and i decided to pull it all off. which, of course, lead to light-headedness. i've noticed i do a good job of not breathing when things stress me out. and that's what happened yesterday.
but. in the end. i didn't faint. and my incision doesn't bother me - physically or emotionally.
what IS bothering me, though, is the surgical tape residue. how do i get this stickiness off??
on a scale of 1-47....these 10 foods are the foods with the HIGHEST amount of PESTICIDES on them if bought/eaten non-organic. (therefore...if you can only buy a few things organic....buy these for your health.)
1. peach 2. apple 3. bell pepper 4. celery 5. nectarine 6. strawberries 7. cherries 8. kale 9. lettuce 10. grapes
...and the list continues on: http://www.foodnews.org/fulllist.php
hm...i wonder how appropriate it would be to put a picture of cleavage up on my blog. because. um. i actually HAVE cleavage now. i actually HAVE two boobs...well, sort of.
so...on wednesday morning i went to my appointment with dr. simonds. i was all ready to curse him out for not emailing or calling me back. but then he was so nice and so sweet that i didn't. he asked me what i wanted to do; i had two choices: to pump or not to pump because it was hurting too much. he told me it was up to me. so, i said, pump it up. in response, dr. simonds got ALL excited (smiling, pumping his fist, saying "YES!") and told me he'd be right back with "the gadget."
so cely (you might remember her the nurse who wears all one color...although wednesday she was wearing a black, white, and red ensemble) started to prep everything. then dr. simonds came in to describe everything in detail. he would first find the opening in the empty expander (that is inside of me) by placing a magnet above my surgery site. the magnet would find the opening. he would make pen marks on my chest. he would then insert a needle into the opening. this would probably not hurt. then he would start pumping saline into the expander 10ccs at a time...expecting to put in between 50 and 60ccs...until either he couldn't pump me up anymore or until it felt too uncomfortable/stretched for me to handle. then he would take out the needle, put a bandaid over it, and then, he says, i would get to go to hawaii for 3 weeks. kaiser pays. first class.
and that's exactly how it all happened. except, sadly, for the hawaii part.
i couldn't watch because i thought it would completely creep me out to basically watch a body part growing. but afterwards, i looked up. and i had a boob.
i have a boob. it's very strange.
unfortunately, i had to RUN to work. but whenever i could i just kept checking myself out...looking down my shirt...at my new cleavage. i have two boobs that are basically the same size. only one of them is filled with saline and doesn't have a nipple. otherwise...they are totally the same.
i haven't really had the guts to touch it yet. i can feel the sides of the expander...and it creeps me out for some reason. but, emotionally, it feels really good.
so now the deal is i will go back for pump-up #2 in 3-4 weeks. he will pump me up another 60ish ccs. and we'll just keep going from there. i can go bigger. i can go smaller. it's all up to me.
i have to say. i finally DO understand why they can't make the new boob the same size as the old. the smallest implant size is 100ccs. right now i have 60ccs of saline in my right boob. and it's pretty much the same size as the left. so if he put the 100cc implant in there...it would be about 40ccs bigger than the left...a significant difference.
anyway. little by little things are looking up. 19 months after my mastectomy...i'm starting to look whole again.
i emailed him (like kaiser suggests) on sunday night to ask what are the criteria for me to begin the pumping up process. when i talked with him a few weeks ago about the pain i was still having, he had said that maybe the appointment for the pump up was too soon. since i'm still in pain now...i have a feeling he's not going to be able to pump me up.
so here we are...the night before my 10am appointment and he still hasn't emailed me back. which is frustrating. but it's just more frustrating tonight because if he had emailed me back saying he thought we should postpone it...i could have made an appointment with a mom i work with who's 10-year old daughter was just diagnosed with lymphoma. and i would love to be able to be there for her.
ug, this has been so annoying. do you understand HOW often you use your pectoralmuscle? let me tell you. ALL THE TIME.
i've realized i haven't been extremely clear about the whole procedure of getting a new boob. there are six steps. 1) putting in an empty implant underneath my pec. 2) pumping saline into that empty implant to begin to stretch the skin. 3) pumping it up again. 4) replacing the pumped up implant with a real one, once the skin is sufficiently stretched. then at the same time they will put an implant in the other side. 5) then between 6 and 12 months after that's done, they reconstruct the nipple. 6) then, last step, they tattoo the nipple to match.
so. step 1 has sucked. i think it's been a combination of things. it has been so long since i had that first surgery. the pain of that seems so far away. and this time....all of the talk about reconstruction, fantasizing about size...it all seemed so positive and fun to talk about. the surgeons told me i'd be out of work 7-10 days. easy peasy. it seemed like nothing.
but in reality. dear lord. when someone puts something foreign underneath the pectoral muscle...it really hurts. every move i make. washing a pan. closing an umbrella. sitting up from lying down. sneezing. coughing. yawning. (sneezing killed me this morning.)
and i didn't even realize how helpful it was to have my mom here until she left. she did EVERYTHING. walked kitty. entertained kitty. made breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, coffee. covered me with blankets. arranged pillows. made my bed. did my laundry. cut my eggs and toast for me. helped wrap me up in an ace bandage. bought me a scarf, a shirt, origami paper, and swedish fish. went out to pick up my medication. implored the pharmacist. ever.y.thing.
and now i have to do all of that myself!??
and i'm just so tired of not being able to do things. i want to stretch. i want to wear all my normal clothes instead of shirts that zip or button. i want to pick up things heavier than 5 pounds. i want to sleep on my side. i want to take off this 24/7 ace bandage. i want to drive without wincing. yesterday i couldn't even play scrabble with my right hand.
but, despite feeling at the end of my rope, things do seem to be getting better. i've greatly decreased the amount of vicodin i'm taking. i wish i could keep taking it until i feel 100%. but i guess the benefit to not taking it so much is that i've really been listening to my body. i've been taking it VERY slowly this weekend.
grrr. i'm so ready for this to be over. maybe once i start getting pumped up, and start actually seeing a new boob, things will feel worth it. until then i plan to keep complaining.
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
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