cleavage

hm...i wonder how appropriate it would be to put a picture of cleavage up on my blog. because. um. i actually HAVE cleavage now. i actually HAVE two boobs...well, sort of.

so...on wednesday morning i went to my appointment with dr. simonds. i was all ready to curse him out for not emailing or calling me back. but then he was so nice and so sweet that i didn't. he asked me what i wanted to do; i had two choices: to pump or not to pump because it was hurting too much. he told me it was up to me. so, i said, pump it up. in response, dr. simonds got ALL excited (smiling, pumping his fist, saying "YES!") and told me he'd be right back with "the gadget."

so cely (you might remember her the nurse who wears all one color...although wednesday she was wearing a black, white, and red ensemble) started to prep everything. then dr. simonds came in to describe everything in detail. he would first find the opening in the empty expander (that is inside of me) by placing a magnet above my surgery site. the magnet would find the opening. he would make pen marks on my chest. he would then insert a needle into the opening. this would probably not hurt. then he would start pumping saline into the expander 10ccs at a time...expecting to put in between 50 and 60ccs...until either he couldn't pump me up anymore or until it felt too uncomfortable/stretched for me to handle. then he would take out the needle, put a bandaid over it, and then, he says, i would get to go to hawaii for 3 weeks. kaiser pays. first class.

and that's exactly how it all happened. except, sadly, for the hawaii part.

i couldn't watch because i thought it would completely creep me out to basically watch a body part growing. but afterwards, i looked up. and i had a boob.

i have a boob. it's very strange.

unfortunately, i had to RUN to work. but whenever i could i just kept checking myself out...looking down my shirt...at my new cleavage. i have two boobs that are basically the same size. only one of them is filled with saline and doesn't have a nipple. otherwise...they are totally the same.

i haven't really had the guts to touch it yet. i can feel the sides of the expander...and it creeps me out for some reason. but, emotionally, it feels really good.

so now the deal is i will go back for pump-up #2 in 3-4 weeks. he will pump me up another 60ish ccs. and we'll just keep going from there. i can go bigger. i can go smaller. it's all up to me.

i have to say. i finally DO understand why they can't make the new boob the same size as the old. the smallest implant size is 100ccs. right now i have 60ccs of saline in my right boob. and it's pretty much the same size as the left. so if he put the 100cc implant in there...it would be about 40ccs bigger than the left...a significant difference.

anyway.
little by little things are looking up.
19 months after my mastectomy...i'm starting to look whole again.