the 2 1/2 week update

ug, this has been so annoying. do you understand HOW often you use your pectoralmuscle? let me tell you. ALL THE TIME.

i've realized i haven't been extremely clear about the whole procedure of getting a new boob. there are six steps. 1) putting in an empty implant underneath my pec. 2) pumping saline into that empty implant to begin to stretch the skin. 3) pumping it up again. 4) replacing the pumped up implant with a real one, once the skin is sufficiently stretched. then at the same time they will put an implant in the other side. 5) then between 6 and 12 months after that's done, they reconstruct the nipple. 6) then, last step, they tattoo the nipple to match.

so.
step 1 has sucked.
i think it's been a combination of things.
it has been so long since i had that first surgery. the pain of that seems so far away.
and this time....all of the talk about reconstruction, fantasizing about size...it all seemed so positive and fun to talk about. the surgeons told me i'd be out of work 7-10 days. easy peasy. it seemed like nothing.

but in reality. dear lord. when someone puts something foreign underneath the pectoral muscle...it really hurts. every move i make. washing a pan. closing an umbrella. sitting up from lying down. sneezing. coughing. yawning. (sneezing killed me this morning.)

and i didn't even realize how helpful it was to have my mom here until she left. she did EVERYTHING. walked kitty. entertained kitty. made breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, coffee. covered me with blankets. arranged pillows. made my bed. did my laundry. cut my eggs and toast for me. helped wrap me up in an ace bandage. bought me a scarf, a shirt, origami paper, and swedish fish. went out to pick up my medication. implored the pharmacist. ever.y.thing.

and now i have to do all of that myself!??

and i'm just so tired of not being able to do things. i want to stretch. i want to wear all my normal clothes instead of shirts that zip or button. i want to pick up things heavier than 5 pounds. i want to sleep on my side. i want to take off this 24/7 ace bandage. i want to drive without wincing. yesterday i couldn't even play scrabble with my right hand.

but, despite feeling at the end of my rope, things do seem to be getting better. i've greatly decreased the amount of vicodin i'm taking. i wish i could keep taking it until i feel 100%. but i guess the benefit to not taking it so much is that i've really been listening to my body. i've been taking it VERY slowly this weekend.

grrr. i'm so ready for this to be over.
maybe once i start getting pumped up, and start actually seeing a new boob, things will feel worth it.
until then i plan to keep complaining.