somehow it seems that my body has become used to chemo...or else i'm better at taking the meds.
the last two days haven't been as bad as the other rounds...not as nauseous, so far not as tired. however, i did wake up at 4 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep until 6. seems like i could thank the steroids for that.
and it does seem a little harder to down water/liquids today than it did yesterday. but i have to get down 8-10 glasses.
oh...and the shots. i've tried not to think about that part of the day yet.
okay, so i slept about 10 hours last night, i've had my anti-nausea pills, i'm trying to drink apple juice, and i think i'm ready to relate everything that happened yesterday.
so, let's see. my friends anne and moss had a baby 4 days ago. so i scheduled my pre-chemo blood test around them. i went to get the test and was told i could call in an hour for the results - the results that would tell me if my white counts were high enough to get chemo.
so i got pricked. then went over to anne and moss' to see baby tobias...so damn cute and healthy with 10 fingers and 10 toes. and this is where the emotional damn started to break loose. at their house i cried.
at my next stop at the nutritionist, i cried. although, i got some really good information about how i should take care of myself from now on. exercise is HUGE. no drinking is huge. and every day i will take a multi-vitamin, calcium, magnesium, vitamin D, fish oil, and CoQ10. colleen, the nutritionist, said that women taking tamoxifen (the drug i have to take for 5 years to prevent recurrence) are at high risk for osteoporosis - hence the calcium. she said vitamin D is good for everyone but especially good for cancer survivors - something about receptors on the cells, i can't really remember. and one of my chemo drugs, adriamycin, is very hard on the heart...so CoQ10 works to protect it. it felt really good to talk to her and, like i said, start to get back a feeling that i could take care of my body. repair, heal, take control.
after the nutritionist i finally got through to the kaiser nurses for my test results. last week my neutrophil count (part of the white blood cells) had been .9 when they are supposed to be a minimum of 1.5. yesterday the test showed they were all the way up 2.6!! (i actually didn't cry getting the results.)
my next stop was kaiser. and everyone i talked to there made me cry. the first nurse, diane, who administered the adriamycin. then i talked to the social worker, dennis, and he made me cry - telling me he was proud of me, that i was DONE, from that day on i was cancer-free. then i was still crying when the pharmacist came to talk to me about new drugs i have to take - he didn't really deal with the tears that well. and even a second nurse made me cry. then later, when i was officially done with chemo, about 7 nurses came around the chemo-chair, blowing bubbles and singing "hit the road jack and don't you come back no more!" more tears. which made my mom cry. and we made two nurses cry. so they all hugged me.
and that was it. i was done. all i had to do was pick up my prescriptions. and oh...the prescriptions...
because my white blood counts were so low last time and this time... dr. kogel prescribed me neupogen that will work on my bone marrow to help build up my white blood cells. that way i won't be as susceptible to infection. sounds great, right? right. except that neupogen comes as self-injectable SHOTS! i have to inject myself with a one-inch needle into my stomach! once a day for five days. scary, scary, scary. so. those shots are scheduled to start tomorrow. we'll just have to see how brave i can be. i recognize my bravery up until now...but injecting MYSELF with a needle in the stomach?! i don't know about that.
anyway. this morning i think i feel okay. i'm trying to drink a lot of liquid...i'm instructed to drink 8-10 glasses of water in the first two days. so much when the thought of drinking makes me shiver. i'll try to eat. and i'll rest. we'll see how it all goes.
...i just made an appointment to meet with the nutritionist who ran those nutrition classes. since this diagnosis and especially since i learned my chemo would be delayed, i've been feeling so out of control. i remembered the feeling i had when i went to her classes - as cheesy as it is, empowerment. and i desperately need that feeling again.
so. i'm going to meet with her on wednesday just before my scheduled chemo appointment. i feel a bit of relief.
my white cell count was too low...(.9 instead of the minimum acceptable 1.5)...i'm so so bummed.
i was so ready for this one to be the last. i was so ready to start growing my hair back. i was so ready to be closer to getting back to my normal life. and now? i'm set back by a whole week. it's only a week. but it seems to make such a difference right now.
and what's so frustrating is that there is nothing i can do to improve my white blood cell count. doesn't matter how much i sleep, what i eat, if i exercise, how stressed i am, nothing. it's just my body building them up. way to make me remember that, right now, my body doesn't feel like my own.
so now chemo is set for next wednesday. november 28th. seems like forever from now.
as you can see, kitty and i had a really good weekend with my friend phil.
he came to visit for a nice 4-day weekend from boston and we spent pretty much the entire time lazing around vail watching very bad tv...even daytime tv which is pretty impressive for me. i've been home dealing with all this cancer stuff for 4 months now...and i have never watched daytime tv until now.
the other thing i did while phil was here was watch kitty fall madly in love with him. every day she would lie on top of his chest trying to lick every inch of his face.
so once again, friendships (and kitty's love for these friends) astound me. so many people have come to denver to be with me (and kitty). and it blows me away.
i found out today that kaiser had weirdly scheduled me for my next chemo on two different days. one day to see the dr. - monday. one day to get the chemo - the following friday. which under normal circumstances wouldn't be so bad. but since i'm staying up in vail with my parents...driving almost two hours each way wouldn't be too much fun.
so...after talking to a nurse i finally got both appointments on the same day...wednesday...the day before thanksgiving...the original day i had been scheduled months ago. i had changed it so i could enjoy thanksgiving dinner on thanksgiving. but now patrick has to be in wyoming the day before thanksgiving...so we will have an early thanksgiving dinner anyway.
and i realized a few other things...my last entry said that i was miserable. and i hadn't given an update. now i'm feeling a lot better...it was about about 7-8 days of severe exhaustion, feeling not so great, having a bad taste in my mouth. and now that i'm about to have my very last chemo, i'm feeling more normal.
and the other thing i realized was that i hadn't written a 4 month reminder to do self breast exams! it's beyond that time of month! do those exams. remember...at first everything feels lumpy and bumpy...but, at least in my experience, once you learn how they feel you can tell when something is wrongly different. so...do them. do them. do them. please.
i kept going along this chemo road thinking it was relatively easy. not too nauseous, not too tired, not too bad.
but...wow...this third treatment really has kicked me in the butt. i'm EXHAUSTED. the past few days it's been a struggle to just keep my eyes open. and now the pains are kicking in - along my shoulders, my neck, my head. ug.
an unfortunate change in the last chemo treatment.
because by white blood cells were on the verge of too low this time...at the intructions of my dr., we changed the date of thelast chemo. it will be the day after thanksgiving. that way i will be able to enjoy thanksgiving dinner. and my white blood cell counts should be at a healthy level to receive the very last chemo.
it's a bit of a bummer because i was just hoping for it to be DONE. but...if i had tried to get chemo a few days before thanksgiving, it'd be very possible that i wouldn't be able to get it because of the low counts. and that would probably be more of a downer.
so...it's sort of the same old story. this chemo was sort of traumatizing, sort of normal. my parents flew in yesterday morning to be at the 3rd chemo treatment with me. i met with my dr. who said that everything seemed very good and normal, according to my blood work. the only thing that was a bit low was my white blood cell count. unfortunately there's nothing i can do to help them regenerate faster...and if they are low again, i might have to postpone the last chemo by a few days. but otherwise, she said everything was looking good.
so it took about 2 1/2 hours for the whole ordeal. lots of things to inject in me. but the nurse was super nice. and she explained everything to my parents so they would understand what toxic chemicals were being injected into their daughter.
yesterday i felt okay...a little groggy and weird from the billions of anti-nausea pills they have me take beforehand. and then we drove up to vail to stay here for a while...i hope the freezing cold fresh mountain air will be a relaxing place to rejuvenate...and meditate those white blood cells into rejuventating, too.
today i feel okay...a bit groggy, a bit nauseous, but overall okay.
so, for now, the LAST chemo is scheduled for monday november 19th. that way the nausea might be gone in time for thanksgiving dinner.
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
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