dr. says chemo.
basically she said there's not a chance in hell she'd not do it. for me. regardless of the small tumor. regardless of the clear lymph node. regardless of the good margins or the ER/PR positive-ness of the tumor. it's all about my age. 32. being young gives me so many years for the cancer to possibly come back somewhere else. if i were 50 or 75 it would be a different story. but i'm 32. and that scares everyone.
so.
i'm still processing. but i wanted to be able to let people know as soon as i could wipe the tears from my eyes.
it'd be once every 3 weeks for 12 weeks. i could start as early as next monday. and be done before halloween.
i'm freaking out. but. eric and i have talked a lot in the last 5 hours. and...it'll be a few months of a really shitty time. and then by all accounts, i'll be "cured." basically it's a big huge game of "which do you like better?"
way back in high school, my best friend lia salza was on the T in boston. she heard these kids playing this game basically rating all the cities around boston...which is now called, "which do you like better?" it went like this:
kid 1 (in boston accent): which do you like bettah malden oah melrose?
kid 2 (in boston accent): malden.
kid 1: okay, which do you like bettah malden oah billerica?
kid 2: billerica
kid 1: alright, which do you like bettah billerica oah dorchester?
and on and on and on using different cities and towns around the boston area.
since then it's evolved beyond just cities to include old local favorites like paperama, lechmere, white hen pantry, etc.
the possibilities are really endless.
lately, it's evolved to include...which do you like better...commuting in really bad traffic or breast cancer?
today, it seems to have evolved to...which do you like better...losing your hair or dying of cancer?
maybe this is game that's only fun for people who've lived in the boston area or for people who have a sick sense of humor. but. it's getting me through the day. so that's something.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi 1207-1273, written in 1230
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12 comments:
just for the record, I pick losing you hair. Cause you are still going to be sweet and funny and lovely bald. but not so much if you pick the other alternative.
Dear Meghan,
If you feel you really will lose your hair (it doesn't always happen), then perhaps you could cut it and have a wig made just for you! Start a new hairstyle phenom that will outdo Mrs. Beckham in LA! ...or donate it to a woman with breast cancer who can't afford a wig...
I know this is a very difficult time for you, but it's hair...granted, it's gorgeous hair, but it will grow back! During the process you will continue to turn heads because of your stunning beauty. And you'll come out the other side with a much better chance of "no return"!!
Sending hugs to you from Cape Cod.
This is not the news we were waiting for but we pick go foah it. We're with you all the way.
So much love,
Susan et al
Meg, I was literally just telling my coworker about "which you like bettah" at lunch today... he's from Methuen.
Now it doesn't feel so funny.. but I like bettah keeping you around for a long long time, in a hat, with a tummy ache for a little while. You are beautiful, Ming, and it's not because of your hair.
I LOVE YOU.
hey sweetness. i think i know which i like bettah by a long shot - just having you as safe as possible, as healthy as possible and for as long as any of us can hope for. as for hair - well, shit. yours is gorgeous, baby, but it'll grow back before you know it. and you will still be spell-casting while it's missing.
i love you,
vaidya
In the inimitable words of our precious, no-nonsense guru, Jeff Tucker, when Kenny told him his dilemma, "You mean you have a choice between injecting yourself everyday to probably stop MS or not injecting and taking your chances that it will pop up possibly worse later?! What's to think about?!" Jeff can be sooo clarifying. Kenny started shooting up within days of Elliot's birth (so we'll never forget how long it's been) and although it's like giving himself a bee sting everyday and although he sometimes bruises and develops lumps, he has never second-guessed his decision to be aggressive rather than taking a risk. If someone put a gun to my chest and demanded my hair or he'd shoot, I wouldn't take any chances on surviving with my hair!
I second Linda's suggestion about considering cutting your hair and having a wig made. I also appreciated her thought that maybe you could donate your hair for someone else.
I imagine there's much more ahead to consider than possibly losing your hair. You may be facing some major sacrifices and adjustments in your plans for your future in the course of making your life-affirming choice to do chemo. I sooo desperately wish you were not in this situation, but I am sooo grateful that your outlook and prognosis are so positive.
We love you, Sweetie.
What do you like bettah - Meghan's hair or life itself? This is actually a tough one...but I'm gonna go with life, since we'd lose your hair either way. I bet this is especially hard when your hair is as defining a feature as yours is. But hair is resilient. And so are you.
Oh great, Meg. Now I'm crying at work.
We don't have the space available here for all I'm feeling for you. I've tried to write it out three times and it's too much.
I'm mad about the chemo (after all this good news) and I'm terribly terribly sad that you have to go through this.
I'm not one to appreciate being made to feel better about things until I've had a good hard cry and a good hard yell. So I dont like hearing all these nice positive things you can do in the face of this.
But everyone of these (astonishingly wonderful)people is absolutely right: You don't have cancer and, with chemo, you're not going to.
And that's really good news, dammit.
More love and healing thoughts than you will ever ever need,
- Julie
Ugh, this news weighs heavy Meghan. At the same time, my 40 year old sister who lived through the cancer hell last fall talks like it is a distant memory now. So, we all help you get through to New Years 2008 and make a toast to a new, cancer-free life for you. Think of the possibilities!
hi there shmeeg.
I was thinking alot about losing hair when I first heard the ugly ugly news. I know I think with my hands in my hair, my actors tell me it is how I direct. I have more than once thought of curls as the keeper of my mojo.
And then I was thinking of you just know because young Sox southpaw Jonny Lester is starting his first game back at Fenway since being diagnosed with Lymphoma last year. You, too. I want to see you at Fenway.
Anyway I think you will look fantastic with some killer scarves. And how sweet you will look when those strawberry blonde curls come creeping back to flirt with all of our hearts.
I heard "ooh Child" on the radio this morning and thought of you...there are things that linger in the most surprising ways...those moments that stay with us. And babe, those moments aren't made from hair.
Feeling for you. Sending so much light.
lots of love from the hot sands of Phoenix,
Laur
me and my brothers( especially me) could use a little hair!
if it is inevitable consider locks of love!
i'm with julie
i can't really write what is going through my mind but know we are thinking of you out hear in wista county
xox..
p.s best to eric, mom, dad, patrick and all who are supporting you
Dear Megs,
Just want you to know I am still thinking of you everyday. Keep holding on to the light at the end of the tunnel and know you are doing everything you must do. Your attitude is amazing. You are making your whole extended family proud. We are all here for you! Great big cyberhugs from me to you!!!
XOXOXOXOXO
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