it's true that a score of 17 still puts me in the low-risk category.
the problem is that i'm 32. (here we go again...it's as if being 32 and having small boobs is the worst thing in the world.)
the test was developed using people who typically have breast cancer. less than 10% of the people in the original research were under 40. therefore, people/oncologists are very scared about putting all their eggs into the oncotype dx basket for me. so two of the three oncologists who consulted about my case said they would feel comfortable not giving me chemo if my score was significantly less than 10. 17 is definitely not significantly less than 10.
the good news...as if there feels like there can be good news...is that i am still technically in the low-risk group. so, as my cousin steve says, that meas 17 is a pretty good number in terms of my overall outlook whichever treatment i elect.
but it's still completely traumatizing. to lose my hair. to be nauseous. to have low energy. to feel unsure about going out in public. to feel neurotic about taking my temperature - always needing it to be less than 100. to worry about chemo's effect on my heart, my lungs, my ovaries.
talk about being 32. this is too much for a 32 year old to handle.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi 1207-1273, written in 1230
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5 comments:
Ugh, ugh, ugh, megolas. I know this is so traumatic for you, but at least things are moving along, right? Let's get this ridiculous cancer out of here!!!!
Thinking of you lots, lots, lots--
xoxoxoxoxo
miller
Meg -- I know the 17 isn't what you wanted to hear, but please do keep in mind (1) they caught this really early; (2) that you're still in the low-risk category overall, which is the most important thing; and (3) for what it's worth, I've (unfortunately) known a good number of people who've gone thru chemo and not even a majority had all those side-effects occur. Yes, you MAY lose your hair, MAY feel horribly nauseous, etc.... but maybe not, really. And, even if those things do happen, it's all for the greater good of making you better.
Love,
Jamie
Dearest Meggie,
As one SW to another, it sure sounds like you could benefit from getting and giving support with other young women. I am particularly struck by your anticipated uncertain feelings about going out in public. Do you know of a vivacious role model who could set an example for how to present yourself with comfort and confidence? And think of how YOU, then, could be an encouraging role model for someone else simply by being visible! You know there are LOTS of sources of support in your area and online and I urge you to turn to them. I want to see you have all your questions anwered, all your needs anticipated, and all your knowledge and caring shared with others.
Hugs and smiles,
sandy :-)
Dear Meghan,
This is a site that is part of a compendium of chemo info, including the ability nowadays to seriously diminish side effects. This particular page helps with the tools to research and track your particular case.
I found it really helpful to have an overload of info to deal with mine. Hope this might help alleviate some of your doubts and fears.
http://www.chemotherapy.com/organizing_info/tools.jsp?printVersion=yes
As for hesitancy in going out in public - read Maya Angelou's "Phenomenal Woman" - that's you!!
Hugs,
Linda
Oh, Meghan...if only I could, I would, you know. Continually horrible stuff for you and I'm so sorry. I must join the others and say I feel relief with this little bit of knowing what comes next and that it will be OVER! I wish wish wish that you could feel that too just a little bit. You're a smarty-pants and will sort out all of this, especially with all the good words that come your way.
Huge love,
Susan
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