has anyone ever heard of a dog trimming a human's finger nails?
well. kitty is the best.
eric was cutting his finger nails the other night and kitty seemed very interested in the process. so eric, half way done, let her check it out. and she started, very gently, to pull on a piece of his finger nail with her teeth...until a sliver of his nail came off. then she waited for him to start to cut another nail and then, again very gently, started to pull on the piece of nail with her little front teeth until the sliver of his nail came off. all proud of herself for grooming her owner.
i know many people would keep this piece of information private...but...i just think kitty is the cutest and smartest dog i've ever seen in my life.
i don't think anyone would ever think to define a good friend as someone who would travel two thirds of the way across the country with a ceramic 10x18 inch pan as carry-on. but i think you all might change your mind when you hear this story.
i lived at 1050 oak st in san francisco with hardy and emily for about 3 years. we established this tradition of family dinner. family dinner was always the same. homemade mac and cheese made with real vermont cheddar. i can't really describe how important family dinner was for us. it just tastes so good. it was our little tradition. hardy was always in charge of making the cheese mixture. i was always in charge of grating the cheese. somehow emily got out of most of the preparation. and we always had awesome leftovers to bring to work the next day. ti was just so good that i can't put it into words. (maybe hardy, emily, gretchen, or the miller can.)
so. fast forward 6 years.
hardy buys a ticket to come to denver from nyc to visit her friend who has cancer. she offers to make me family dinner. i cry reading her email. emily cries when hardy tells her i cried.
then hardy comes to denver. and she brings a block of vermont cheddar - because she couldn't be sure that denver would have vermont cheddar and it has to be from vermont. and she brings her own box of medium pasta shells. AND she brings her own ceramic pan...that i swear weighed 20 pounds...picture her on the subway, on the train, on the shuttle to newark, on the plane. for family dinner. for me. it's killer.
eric took the day off to come with me. i really wasn't looking forward to the 2nd chemo. i'd heard people say the 2nd is the worst because you already know what you're up against. and it was definitely different to know where to do, to know the set up, to recognize the nurses...but also to know what they were going to put in me and how i was going to feel...not so cool. but it was nice to have eric there.
after all of the injections we left to go pick up eric's mom, sandy, at the airport. she had planned to come stay with us for 6 days of "chemo camp." we had all this stuff planned - learning how to use the sewing machine, starting cool projects, etc. and in the end, we didn't do any of them! i don't even know how it happened. somehow we stayed busy. (i think kitty, the red sox, and football were probably the culprits.)
but the sweetest thing during sandy's visit was on monday she took me to get my very first facial at this fancy spa in cherry creek. it was 90 minutes of heaven. the woman who did the facial was so sweet. she came into the room and said she was so glad we met. her mother had breast cancer 5 years ago and her friend was diagnosed 8 months ago...she was very excited to be helping me through chemo. (it didn't hurt that she thought i was 27.)
so i lay on a comfortable massage-like table for 90 minutes while she massaged my face, my shoulders, my neck, my arms, my feet. beautifully smelling oils, calming hot towels. it was beautiful.
and the next day sandy left! i had thought 6 days would be enough time...but it turns out we didn't have any time to do all the things we'd planned for chemo camp. :(
after the last chemo i just felt pretty tired. and since then, i haven't really been able to motivate myself to put in a new entry. so. here goes. i'll go start from 2 weeks ago and go forward.
with kaiser i can look at all of my test results online.
all of my blood work from the day before chemo - white blood cells, red blood cells, calcium, everything - is absolutely normal. even for a normal person! turns out my body does know how to heal itself.
hi everyone. thank you for all your emails, your calls, your comments in the last few days.
i am doing FINE.
yesterday was a lot less traumatizing than the first round. no tears this time. eric was with me. we had a nice nurse. it lasted about 2 and half hours. we met with the dr. who said that things, from my blood work, seem great. it seem very healthy and seem to be dealing with the chemo very well.
so. in all. it's good news.
and today i'm feeling fine. i didn't sleep as well as normal last night. and i felt a bit of weird nausea. but this morning i'm feeling good. eating. drinking tea. hanging out. i have energy. and things are good. we'll see as time progresses. but i'm really feeling pretty good.
but...i don't want to have my second round of chemo!
i feel so good right now. and i don't want to be nauseous. i don't want to be tired. i don't want to have a weird taste in my mouth. isn't having only one boob and no hair enough for you people?
i'm having the hardest time writing this next entry.
i've been thinking about it since saturday when everyone was at my house. but it's too hard. i truly don't feel that i have words to describe saturday.
i wrote a thank you to everyone that was there with me. and i said that the hair chopping experience could have been extremely messy. i have had long hair since i was...6? since then, it hasn't been shorter than my shoulders. and now? it hasn't been this short in thirty-two years. since 1975.
and...as you all know...my hair was my thing. i never dressed fancy. i never had any fancy earrings. barely makeup. my hair was enough to make me feel pretty.
so...it could've been a very traumatic, scary experience. but it wasn't. and the ONLY reason it wasn't was because my friends were there. we had so much fun. and the fact that eric, jay, and taylor all chopped their hair off, too? i mean. i just really can't even talk about it.
i was talking to taylor yesterday about our new hairdos. and i tried to thank her. she was like (all calmly), "of course...i knew it would hard for you. and i knew it would be easier if someone else was doing it with you." point blank. as if it was the easiest thought process ever.
three other people chopped off their hair in solidarity - eric, taylor, and jay. moss and dave would have...but they are already bald. julie desperately wanted to...but she has a cd release party for her new album tonight! and anne's body has changed enough in the last 7 months!
this morning my friend susie and i went to the american cancer society wig room. there cancer patients can get wigs for free. and...how to describe it?
well. it was the size of a cubicle. i had pictured this beautifully big room with thousands of wigs to choose from. instead there were about 10 feet of mannequin heads covered with not the cutest wigs ever. so. we tried on a few. then we tried on a few that were stored in crates - stored by color.
and this is what we found... don't worry...we only took the straight one home.
and of course, it's the hardest to describe correctly.
so, i drove up to meriku's house. she has a beautiful little house south of boulder. a nice big backyard with a small pond with a little waterfall. it just felt like a really nice place to be.
first, meriku described reiki and what she would be doing. then i lay down on her chaise lounge, semi-seated. she started at my head and just lay her hands on the top of my head for at least a minute. then moved down to my neck, my chest, my stomach, my hips, my legs, my feet. only placing her hands...sort of like the way a masseuse would start but without the motion. just healing touch.
it was totally different than anything else i've done. and a few times i felt a sensation sort of spread through my body. once from the bottom of my spine to the top of it. another time from my hips arcing out to my shoulders. not strong sensations. but energy. or a rush. or something. obviously hard to explain.
then at the end, meriku told me her impressions of my body. she again said it felt like my body has a strong constitution. that i heal myself fast and well. she also said that she didn't feel anything bad in my body. i had told her it was hard for me to do some of the visualizations i'd tried. they tell you to visualize the cancer cells and visualize your body strongly fighting them off. i told her it was hard for me to do because i'd never truly believed that i had cancer. and now i don't believe there are any cancer cells left hiding in my body. she said that was fine...that it felt, to her, that my body was going to do okay. that i would get through this and i would be okay.
then she offered to do reiki sessions on me as often as i'd like. she said once a week, twice a week, every day if i wanted her to. and then, of course, i started crying. all this outpouring of support slays me, sends me into tears in seconds. but it's so nice. and so amazing.
well. it was insane. i have not laughed that much in months.
so. melissa and i went to this high-end wig ship in cherry creek. i sat in a salon-like chair facing a salon-like mirror while the saleswoman presented me with wigs she thought would look good. i can't even really describe it. and i'm really sorry we didn't bring a camera.
the idea of a wig was really hard to get used to in the first place. so having a strange thing like that on my head was totally weird. but then...it wasn't the hair part of the wig. the hair - both fake and real - was fine looking. the problem i had was the style of the wig. every single wig she put on me made me feel like i got a new job as a news anchorwoman. every single hair style. it actually made me question my own choice of "hair style." because i think that was the problem with these. if i was the type of woman who actually styled her hair...i would've been fine with these wig choices. but because i let my hair air dry and it goes whatever way it wants...
it was sort of like when i went to the junior prom with gabriel frasca. my mom thought it would be a nice idea for me to have my hair done, it being my first-ever prom. so the hairdresser set about putting curlers in my hair. and ended up boofing it up a few inches into a barrette. being the dramatic 14 year old that i was...i left the salon in tears. leaving my mom to deal with the hairdresser. so...anyway...any normal person who styled their hair would've loved the boof. but me? in tears.
luckily yesterday there were no tears. only complete laughter. to the point that i think it might have been inappropriate. but. whatever. instead i bought 2 scarves...that are totally fine.
i sort of look like milli vanilli. either that or that i'm about to clean the house. but. that's fine, too. i probably should clean the house more often.
there's so much to talk about from yesterday that i had to break it down into manageable sections.
free iyengar yoga class for cancer patients. about 10 students. about half the class was made up of women currently in treatment - recent surgery, chemo, radiation. the other half the class? the other half of the class was made up of women who have been cancer free for 3 years, 5 years, 7 years. and i'm struggling with that. the class description clearly states patients not survivors. maybe it is up to the individual to label themselves. but it was definitely a little surprising.
and beyond that. all of the yoga classes i have been to have been very quiet. this one? very loud. a few women were making fun of the instructor's word choices. the same women were groaning loudly when we did a pose that was difficult for them. laughing. etc. which...is fine. but...so not a normal yoga class. and the women that were doing all of that were the ones who i would label survivors not patients. i feel weird complaining...but...it was definitely different than i expected. it was bordering on social time for cancer survivors...or almost a support group.
so. i will try it again. maybe i just got the one joking class. it's free. and i did feel better after the class. but i haven't fallen in love which is too bad.
oh! but the really good news is that, at the end of the class, the instructor told everyone that there had been an anonymous donation to the studio for all the people participating in the class to have free massages!
so physically...i have a feeling my white blood cell count is relatively low.
i have a swollen gland in my throat. and a cut on my finger is taking a long time to heal up. and...the hair keeps coming. luckily i had SO much hair before that a normal person couldn't tell. but. it's definitely getting thinner up there.
i think today will exhaust me. but all in good ways.
at 1:00 i am going to try out a free yoga class for cancer patients at a yoga studio near my house.
then at 3:30 i'm going to go wig and scarf shopping with my friend melissa.
then at 6:00 i'm going to have my first ever reiki session. one of eric's coworkers is trained in reiki (pronouced RAY-key, also known as healing touch) and she wants to help me heal my body. reiki has been described to me as having the same goals as acupuncture. both believe in the chi as the life force moving through your body. what happens when someone is sick or needs healing is that something is messed up in the way the life force is traveling through their body. so the healing touch can feel this energy, assess it, and try to help it move in the right way. at least that's as far as i understand it now.
so, today, meriku (eric's coworker) is going to try it on me for the first time. she told me that she's been doing long distance reiki on me for a while now. apparently with long distance reiki, you can focus on a specific someone and send them healing energy. meriku said from what she's done so far, she feels that i have a strong constitution. that my body is very good at healing. she also said that on monday she was doing a long distance reiki session with me about my hair...telling me that hair has karmic energy in it and sometimes it's good to get rid of it all to start fresh. she had this session with me the morning my hair started falling out. apparently a lot of people who do reiki tend to be extremely intuitive.
anyway. i'm very excited for today. should be a healing, informative, good day.
(and yes, my hair continues to fall out in the shower. and i continue to freak out. and i continue to be in a bit of denial even though i'm going wig shopping.)
my friend melissa, who had to have chemo 7 years ago, described the hair loss to me. she said that there's always a normal level of hair that comes out in the shower. but with chemo hair loss...you know...there's a lot more hair in the shower. and today...i think today's the day. there was a LOT of hair in the shower. :(
what do i do about work while going through chemo treatments?
well. many people maintain a job through chemo. they often have take off a few days around their treatments. they often are pretty exhausted at work. but many people do it.
i was supposed to have started at a new elementary school on august 20th. when i talked to my doctor about working...she was worried about working at a school that was new to me. often starting at a new school, new staff (with normal immune systems) are sick on and off for the entire year...getting used to the new strains and germs in the environment. my doctor was particularly concerned about me starting at a new elementary school with germy little 5 year olds crawling all over me.
when you do chemo it kills all cells that are rapidly dividing in your body...the cancer cells, your hair, and it messes with the red and white blood cells. that's why people on chemo are so susceptible to getting sick because the white blood cells are often super super low. so my doctor recommended not working for the three months that i'm going through my chemo treatments. she also recommended trying to avoid places with a lot of people where i could potentially catch something. if your white or red blood cell counts are too low you often have to postpone your chemo treatment until your counts are back up to a healthier level. so...in a protective attempt to avoid all of that...my dr. recommended not working.
so. it's weird. in one way it's definitely a relief. i can't imagine going through all of this at the same time i was learning the ropes of a new school, new kids, new families, new coworkers, new schedules. starting at a new school with hair. then losing my hair. and being so nervous about my immune system. but it's also very weird not working at all. i guess everything that's happened since july has required a lot of adjustments.
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
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