i never thought of this connection...

"A global shortage of a radioactive drug crucial to tests for cardiac disease, cancer and kidney function in children is emerging because two aging nuclear reactors that provide most of the world’s supply are shut for repairs...

In breast cancer surgery, the radioisotope is injected to find the lymph node nearest the tumor, so it can be biopsied for signs of cancer, to determine whether more extensive surgery is needed. The alternative is to inject a dye, which sometimes does not let the surgeon find the node. Without the tool, Dr. Graham said, the quality of medical care is “dropping back into the 1960s.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/24/science/24isotope.html?_r=1&ref=us

sleepless...

...anxious about my new car.
...anxious about what comes next once i've accomplished all the goals i've set for myself.

san francisco? check.
job that i love? check.
pull-up? check.
TWO boobs? check.
new car? in about 18 hours, i will be able to say, check.

NOW what the hell do i do?

well, instead of sleeping, i wrote a letter of intent for the SAMFund grant. they were the ones that granted me money for a year of yoga, physical therapy, and car insurance. grantees can re-apply for 3 years. and all grantees have to be between 17 and 35. (i'm almost too old.) so i decided to take a sleepless night and turn it into a strong letter of intent.

i'll have the answer (if i can continue with the application process) by august 7th.

well......

...it's been a while. it's taken me a while to get used to everything. to figure out my new body.

the reveal?
last thursday i went to my post-op appt with dr. simonds. he unwrapped all the bandages. said everything looked fine. said i could really do whatever i wanted except put my arms above my head. he suggested alternating percocet with extra strength tylenol. and said he'd set another appointment in 6-8 weeks. and in about 6-12 months - once the implants "fall" and once we know i'm satisfied, we will start talking about the nipple. which...i actually don't want to talk about because he said, most commonly, he cuts half of the other nipple off and uses it on the new boob. AH!

anyway. so. i had a hard time with the reveal. i had been spending months and months looking at every woman's boobs that i passed on the street. researching online. bad celebrity boob jobs. etc. it was an obsession...and so when dr. simonds took off all the bandages i was seriously expecting for some beautiful boobalicious boobs to pop out. but...i had forgotten a lot of things. i had forgotten about scars, surgical tape, pain, AND that everyone has told me not to judge the new boobs for 4-6 months until they have properly "fallen" into place.

so i'm waiting for that to happen.

i still have the ace bandage on to help the implants fall downward. i'll have the bandage on for another 3 weeks to encourage the implants down. odd that most women want their boobs to stay up and never fall.

otherwise, i'm doing fine. not too much pain as long as i keep things minimal and slow. SO much better than february's surgery. and i'm SO grateful for that. i'm also grateful for my mom. she's been cooking, cleaning, walking kitty, cleaning out closets, scrubbing the bathtub, offering me coffee in bed, and keeping me company. she leaves within the next few days. ... how boring. what will i do then?

well...maybe what i'll do is drive around the state of california.
i'm in the process of getting a new car. to go with my new boobs.
finally, finally, finally my shitty road is coming to a real end.

tomorrow, the reveal!

i have been ace-bandaged up since surgery. and it's all surreal. maybe the surgery didn't really happen.

tomorrow i meet with the nurse to make sure everything is healing well. i'm excited for the reveal. but really, really nervous. i keep thinking about the last surgery. last time i felt f-i-n-e fine until i took the ace bandage off. and then my body just started to KILL. i'm so nervous that's what's going to happen to me this time. so far...i feel good. not too much pain. i can sleep. i can move slowly. and i'm just so nervous it'll take a turn for the worse. (!!)

we'll see. tomorrow. 10:30.

another favorite comment about this whole procedure:

"i hope you're enjoying your new breast friends."

and this is who greeted me at the admitting office

home again home again

arrived at the hospital at 1. left around 830. home now. in bed. eating a bit. drinking a lot. feeling okay. thanks to percocet. tight. and sore. but okay. i can now really start to put all this BEHIND me.

my favorite thing anyone has said about this debacle:

"your monday boobs will be way better than friday boobs."

now i don't even dare saying t minus anything

...and actually, even i were brave enough and even if i were not-superstitious enough...i still don't even KNOW what time my surgery is scheduled for!

i have to call kaiser surgery department first thing in the morning to find out when they want me there. i feel like whatever they say i will not believe them. i should do the exact opposite of what they tell me. they tell me to get there as soon as i can. oh yeah? i'll mosey on in at 5. god, so frustrating. i have no confidence in them.

now...my *surgeon* i still love and adore and trust. it's just all the other people there.

...

shoot.

...

shouldn't i be thinking positively?
grrrrrr.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

you might think that i'm in surgery right now. but we're back to t minus 3 days. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

my surgery got canceled.

we got all ready. got to kaiser. put on the gown. got an iv. answered a billion questions, including: when was the last time you ate solid foods? i answered: this morning at 730. they FREAKED out. WHAT? WHEN? SERIOUSLY? 730AM?

a nurse called me last night to give me my surgery time. she said to be at kaiser at 2. she said i could eat until 730am, drink clear liquids until 11am. so i did. and then she totally was wrong. and because she told me that, they weren't able to do the surgery. grrrrrrrrrrr. they said that when you get anesthesia, all your muscles relax. it's possible food can come and you can choke and die.

so. i mean. i guess i don't want that to happen. but i'm still mad at that dumb nurse.

so, dr simonds said, we rescheduled for july 24th. i literally jumped out of the bed. SO MAD. MY MOM FLEW OUT HERE FOR THIS! I TOOK TWO WEEKS OFF! #@!!*!@!#!! THE 24TH?!?!?!?!

so dr simonds went to figure out the situation. and he came back and said, what about monday? monday afternoon.

i can do monday. i can handle monday.
but i'm still mad.

t minus 2 1/2 hours

i haven't been able to eat since 7:30 this morning...and i'm huuuuuuungry.

t minus...

t minus 15 1/2 hours. i finally found out that i have to show up for my surgery at 2pm tomorrow. which, at first, i almost had a heart attack that it was so late. i was thinking about how i might die of starvation because i wasn't allowed to eat or drink past midnight tonight. then the nurse told me i could eat a light breakfast until 7:30am and i could drink clear liquids until 11am. so...nutrition-wise, i think i'll be fine. i just wonder if the more awake time i have before surgery, the more awake time i have to start stressing.

we'll see.

right now i just feel exhausted. i've been running around like a lunatic for the last week trying to make sure i got everything done before my surgery. side-mirror fixed, car checked out. car and dog washed. all heavy things lifted - like a 40lb bag of dog food. grocery shopped. bought 6 bottles of kombucha to aid in digestion and healing. laundry. vacuumed. air mattress bought. disability insurance figured out. work finished. teenagers know i'll be out for two weeks. bosses know i'll be out for two weeks. etc etc etc. i even remembered to put an "out of office" message on my email and on my voicemail. *that* is impressive.

so anyway, because i've been running around like a lunatic doing all that. i actually haven't been thinking about the surgery. and now i'm so tired from all the running, that i'm still not really thinking about the surgery.

my mom flew in this afternoon. kitty had a heart attack of love and excitement when she walked in the door. we went to dinner tonight - probably my last meal out for a WHILE. and we're all prepared to hang out tomorrow until 1ish and then spend the afternoon at the kaiser hospital in sf.

at least i love my surgeon.

july 3rd, 2009

...my diagnosis was two years ago tomorrow. weird. a lot to think about.