please watch this...

this is a testimonial by a participant on a first descents kayaking trip. please watch it. it's 9 minutes. and is so powerful. he really puts into words how important my own first descents trip was for me.

http://www.firstdescents.org/cms/Programs/Testimonials/tabid/71/Default.aspx

third (and final?) reconstruction consultation

so, friday morning i met with dr. r.j. simonds in south san francisco. he was recommended to me by my own oncologist and the head oncologist of kaiser ssf. in anticipation of my appointment (remembering the two other not so great recon appointments), i was hoping to be able to say something like..."3 times a charm." but instead i would like to say, "i love dr. roderick j. simonds."


in contrast to the other recon surgeons i met, dr. simonds seemed easy-going, relaxed, concerned about me, interested in making me feel comfortable, and caring. i have thought a lot about the importance of this because, really, someone could be a great surgeon without having the best bed-side manner. but it felt so important to me yesterday because i got the sense that he would really try his hardest to get me the best possible outcome...and he would do that because he was a good surgeon AND because he was thinking about me as an individual, not just a patient.

so, we talked about my options. he's 50/50 on saline vs. silicone implants. he said the first surgery could be about a 2 week recovery time. the second recovery probably shorter - 7-10 days. i asked him about driving stick, he recommended not driving stick post-surgery...unless i was driving a lamborghini.

he was very honest about the possibilities. in his practice in south san francisco, he deals with a lot of people coming in to deal with their problematic implants. he sees a lot of horror stories. and so to be sure he presents all the possibilities to his new patients, he paints a "bleak picture" of reconstruction. he said that breast recon is hard for a few reasons...it's hard to match the other breast perfectly. in order to do the recon, he has to take into consideration the size and shape of the person's pectoral muscles, the shape of the rib cage, etc. the goal is to get me to feel comfortable in a bra - not, as he put it, in my "birthday suit."

so...i just felt really good about talking with him. he seemed honest. legit. smart. and caring. so. if i decide to go with him...i could start this process february 11, 2009. wow. still a lot to think about...but nice to think that i could get this final process started.

i still want to talk to my friend vaidya's cousin who is a breast recon specialist in the east bay. it'd be good to talk to someone who's xtremely smart and could tell m everything i need to know. but...we'll see...roderick simonds may be the man.

not strictly breast cancer related...

but there's an article in the nytimes about the environmental effects of all the meat we eat.

"Producing a pound of beef creates 11 times as much greenhouse gas emission as a pound of chicken and 100 times more than a pound of carrots, according to Lantmannen, the Swedish group."

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/04/science/earth/04meat.html?_r=1&hp

check out the video!

kelly posted a video of me doing my pullup. :)

http://www.sanfranciscocrossfit.blogspot.com/

i did it!

today, at approximately 10:15, surrounded by juliet, kelly, adrian, angel, corrinne, michael, lucas, and definitely a few others, i finally did a pull up!

everyone was incredible. pushing me. encouraging me. teaching me. coaching me. and then cheering loudly when i finally got it. it was awesome.

so aside from the actual awesome experience, i can also feel so proud that everything that's happened in the last year and a half, i can finally feel like i have control of my body.

so.awesome.

chart on what fish to eat and what fish to avoid

	Maximum servings that can be safely eaten each month
Fish Name	WOMEN	MEN	OLDER KIDS	YOUNG KIDS	Health Risk
Alewife	0	0	0	0	PCBs
Bass, striped (wild)	0	0	0	0	mercury, PCBs
Bluefish	0	0	0	0	mercury, PCBs
Croaker, white	0	0	0	0	PCBs
Eel, American	0	0	0	0	mercury, PCBs
Eel, European	0	0	0	0	PCBs
Shad	0	0	0	0	PCBs
Sturgeon, wild (imported)	0	0	0	0	mercury, PCBs
Tuna, bluefin	0	0	0	0	mercury, PCBs
Weakfish	0	0	0	0	mercury, PCBs
Mackerel, king	0	½	0	0	mercury
Marlin	0	1	0	0	mercury
Shark	0	1	0	0	mercury
Swordfish	0	1	0	0	mercury
Croaker, Atlantic	1	1	½	½	PCBs
Flounder, summer	1	1	½	½	PCBs
Flounder, winter	1	1	1	½	PCBs
Opah	1	1	1	½	mercury
Salmon, farmed/Atlantic	1	1	1	½	PCBs
Orange roughy	2	1	1	½	mercury
Chilean sea bass	2	2	1	1	mercury
Crab, blue	2	2	1	1	mercury, PCBs
Lingcod	2	2	1	1	mercury
Mackerel, Spanish	2	2	1	1	mercury
Seatrout, spotted	2	2	1	1	mercury, PCBs
Wahoo	2	2	1	1	mercury
Grouper	3	2	2	1	mercury
Snapper, mutton	3	2	2	1	mercury
Sturgeon, Atlantic	3	2	2	1	mercury
Tuna, bigeye/yellowfin (imported longline)	3	2	2	1	mercury
Eel, American conger	3	3	2	1	mercury
Eel, European conger	3	3	2	1	mercury
Oysters (wild)	3	3	2	1	PCBs
Tuna, canned white/albacore	3	3	2	1	mercury
Salmon (wild CA, OR, WA)	4+	3	2	1	PCBs
Tilefish	4+	4	3	2	mercury
Halibut	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Mahimahi	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Rockfish	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Sablefish	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Sea bass, black	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Snapper (imported)	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Snapper, red	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Snapper, silk	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Snapper, vermilion	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Snapper, yellowtail	4+	4+	3	2	mercury
Sole, English	4+	4+	3	2	PCBs
Monkfish	4+	4+	4+	3	mercury
Pollock, Alaskan/Pacific	4+	4+	4+	3	PCBs
Pompano, Florida	4+	4+	4+	3	mercury
Skate	4+	4+	4+	3	mercury
Tuna, albacore (U.S., Canada)	4+	4+	4+	3	mercury
Tuna, canned light	4+	4+	4+	3	mercury
It's safe to eat 4 or more meals per month of the following: Anchovies, Clams, Crab, king (U.S.), Crab, snow/tanner, Crawfish (U.S.), Haddock (trawl), Herring, Atlantic , Lobster, American/Maine, Mackerel, Atlantic, Mussel, blue , Oysters (farmed), Salmon, wild (Alaska), Sardines, Scallops, bay (farmed), Shrimp, pink (Oregon), Squid, Tilapia (Latin America), Tilapia (U.S.), Trout, rainbow (farmed)

http://www.edf.org/page.cfm?tagID=17694

in preparation for friday

this friday, november 28th, marks one year from my very last chemo - one year since i've been able to say i'm cancer-free.

it feels like a really big day to me. and i've been trying to think about all the things i want to do before that day and all the things i want to re-focus on after that day. new goals.

i've made the goal for myself of doing that one damn pull-up by friday.
as of this morning...i'm still not there. saturday i was 99% there. but it's so hard to get up that last piece.

the re-focusing i'm thinking of...like a renewal of new years resolutions that i've forgotten about. taking my vitamins every day. going to yoga twice a week. eating more vegetables. i'm trying to think of more.

!!!!!!!

i got the grant!!!

i spoke with the executive director of the samfund this morning. and she was happy to tell me that i was chosen as one of the grantees for this year! she said there were so many applications that they had to turn down 75% of the applicants. but that my story was so compelling they wanted to reward me with a grant!!

so, they will pay for a year's worth of yoga, as much physical therapy as i need post-mastectomy, and a year's worth of car insurance!
so.awesome.

check out the samfund's website and pass the word on about how GREAT they are.
http://www.thesamfund.org/pages/about.html

grrr

a nurse from the plastic surgery dept just called to reschedule my appointment for th 19th. grrrrrr. cause the dr. has an emergency that day. ? grrrr. doesn't he realize it's also an emergency for me, too? :)

so now i have to wait until dec 5th. boo.

a little closer to goal #1

after a little advocacy, i was finally able to get an appointment for my 3rd reconstructive surgery consultation.

wednesday november 19th at 9:30am.

according to my oncologist and the head oncologist in south san francisco, dr. simon is great. after doc #1 in denver with the "your boobs are too small for modern science to replicate" and doc #2 in sf with the bad looking pictures and the poor bedside manner...i'm thinking dr. simon has a real chance to win me over.

historic

barack obama will be our president. incredible. the surge of optimism that is sweeping the country is such an incredible feeling.

today also marks, for me, another huge accomplishment - slightly less of an accomplishment than our country electing our first african american president, but still...

today was the very first day - after 8 months of trying - i was able to do a "double-under."

here's the story...at crossfit we do hundreds of different things to train our bodies and minds. one of these things is the double-under. a double-under is jumping rope but instead of passing the rope just once, you pass it twice under you as you jump. they are so hard to get. i have been trying for 8 months without one success. it's all about coordination. and today i learned that it's also all about belief and intention and practice.

the goal for the day was to do 125 double-unders. i know it's hard to understand how hard that could be. but swear it felt like it was impossible this morning. i think adrian could see the lack of hope in my eyes and said that attempts at a double-under also counted towards the 125...otherwise i would still be there tomorrow afternoon trying to finish. so the big deal is that i just kept trying. and then adrian gave me a tip...intend to pass the rope three times...because when i was trying to do a regular double-under, he could see in my body that i just knew it was impossible for me...and i would fail. if my intention was three, maybe it would help me actually get to two passes.

and it did!

i successfully completed 10 double-unders today. 10!?! until today, i had attempted for 8 months and came up with a whopping zero!

so today i learned that so much is in my mind and that so much is possible....both in the world of jump-roping and in the world-at-large. things are looking good. which is good because my next three goals are big: new boob, new car, and ONE pull-up.

i can't believe this poll is anonymous

i'm desperate to know who and how people voted.

50/50?

seriously, you guys? 50% for long, 50% for short? i need HELP making the decision, not just reinforcement that it's hard decision!

since i can never make decisions without consulting everyone i know...

i thought i'd put up a new poll.
which do you like bettah my long hair or short hair? i'm at a hair-period that it either needs to get trimmed or i need to wear a hat. seems like a good time to make a decision.

the pictures are all kind of ridiculous...but...i think you get the idea.
and listen. i want the full, full truth.

wow.

check out these pictures...all amazing pictures of women's breast cancer scars.

http://www.thescarproject.org/index.html

if you still think i may be going overboard worrying about all these chemicals...

watch this.

it's a video of a presentation by the president of the environmental working group.
it's a 22 minute video but if you just watch the first five minutes, i think it'll really make a difference.

around the 13 minute mark, he talks about all the increases in childhood diseases in the last 20-30 years.
minute 15, change in age of breast development in white and black females.
minute 16, risk of americans getting cancer under age 65 is greater than in any other country in the world.
minute 18, quick changes you can make to reduce your risk.
minute 19, do.not.use.teflon.

i'm convinced.

watch it.
http://www.ewg.org/kidsafe

15 months later...

"we are pleased to inform you that your mammogram showed no evidence of breast cancer."

an article on thinking before you "pink"

with october being "breast cancer awareness month" it seems a good time for a little more information on all this pink everywhere.

an article in a minneapolis paper on which pink products really help fight breast cancer:
http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/30002944.html?page=1&c=y

be careful with this bpa stuff...

remember bpa? it's the "chemical used to make the hard, clear and nearly unbreakable plastic called polycarbonate. The plastic is also found in the lining of nearly every soft drink and canned food product."

"They found that BPA acts on cancer cells similar to the way estrogen does — by inducing proteins that protect the cells from chemotherapy agents. “It’s actually acting by protecting existing cancer cells from dying in response to anti-cancer drugs, making chemotherapy significantly less effective,” said Nira Ben-Jonathan, a professor of cancer and cell biology who has studied BPA for more than 10 years."

and i would say, if BPA works to protect cancer cells from chemo...it cannot be a good thing for anyone's body in general.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/10/09/plastic-chemical-may-interfere-with-chemotherapy/#more-555

kaiser california kind of rocks

i just went to get my mammogram at the marin kaiser offices. and much like my experience with my new oncologist, i walked out of the appointment all bubbly. i guess compliments will do that to you.

the mammogram was easy. and the technician was really nice and fast. i mean...with only one breast to mammogram...it goes twice as fast.

then as i left, i checked in with the receptionist about some billing stuff...there were two women there...one complimented me on my cute hair and i said thank you. after i finished with them and walked away, i heard the woman say to the other..."she really has such cute hair! " so i turned right around and went back to the desk. i said, "you know what, i have to tell you, it means so much to me that you would say that." i told them i went through chemo. they asked all about my hair before. one woman said, "you know, there really is something sexy about short hair." the other woman said, "i think you were meant to have short hair." and they just kept going and going with the compliments. not a bad way to start the day.

they both asked a bit about my cancer...one woman pointed dramatically to her breast and whispered, "was it breast?" i reminded them to do their self-breast exams. (and i should remind all of you, too. it has been almost 15 months since my diagnosis...have you done 15 self breast exams?) and we talked a bit more about it and i left.

they were so sweet. so bright. so smiley. so complimentary. and it was just so nice...i was definitely feeling anxious about getting back into that boob-squishing machine. and it was nice to be treated so well.

scheduled mammogram

hm. nervewracking. i just scheduled a mammogram for tomorrow. i haven't had one since all my breast cancer was confirmed. it's all just routine. but still. i can definitely feel my increased anxiety.

true love and practice boobs

i was playing around with different bra sizes and decided to ask kitty what she thought. can you tell by her eyes that she loves them?

jeez.

these days, all i do all day is look at pictures of women's breasts.

comparing. contrasting.
it's ridiculous.
is this what it's like to be a guy?

reconstruction consultation

i was really looking forward to my reconstruction appointment on friday morning. but i don't think i like the surgeon. and that bums me out because now the process just became a little harder, needs a little more effort, and it already felt pretty intense.

so. not that a surgeon needs the best bedside manner to be a good surgeon. BUT, in that department, he wasn't good at all. came in. said, so i guess this is an informational session? then asked me what questions i had for him. i knew what questions to ask because i'd already had a consultation with a dr. in denver before my mastectomy...but i still wasn't sure i was asking all the right questions.

anyway, the final thing he did was show me 3 pictures of his "results." and they totally weren't good! i was so disappointed. one of them you could basically SEE the implants. the other ones? they just didn't look right.

so i tried to take a few steps back. wondered if maybe my expectations were too high. so i looked online for pictures of reconstruction surgeries. of course, i found some horribly scary ones. but mostly i just found normal looking ones that looked way better than the ones my dr. showed me. so. i'm disappointed. and now i have to do some research into finding a better doc.

but.
what i did find out is...
1) the entire procedure will take 9-12 months.
2) i will definitely have to get the other boob enlarged.
3) i will probably need to be out of work for 7-10 days for each of the two surgeries.
4) the implants last about 15 years and you can only tell if they are failing through mri's - which i should get once a year.
hm.
all in all, it just doesn't sound that great.

friday's a big day

'big' being the key word.

i have my first breast reconstruction consultation with my new plastic surgeon friday morning at 9:30. can't wait to see how his thoughts compare to those of my guy in denver. remember the whole...can't make it small enough?
:)

*sigh*

i'm not sure that i can do my first descents experience justice. but apparently people like my aunt susan are dying to know the details. :) so i'll try my hardest to put some words to the experience.

first word.
incredible.

second word.
amazing.

third word.
please let me go back!

i drove approximately 7 hours into northern california on windy one-lane roads (yes, in the saturn) to get to otter bar kayaking school located near forks of the salmon, ca. basically where the salmon and the klamath rivers meet. otter bar is beautiful. a bunch of buildings and cabins surrounded by the salmon river, beautiful trees, ponds. a hot tub. an outdoor shower. a sauna with a window looking out over the river.

we ate incredible food every single meal. another participant actually took pictures of each menu because it felt like it was all too good to be true. chocolate molten lava cakes with raspberry sauce and whipped cream. risotto with fresh tomatoes, basil, and corn. fresh asparagus. almond-crusted french toast with real maple syrup. i mean? seriously. it was ridiculous.

i met amazing people. there were 11 participants - 5 guys, 6 women. ranging in age from 18 to 40. people came from all over (miami, vermont, oregon, montana, 3 san franciscans) having had all kinds of cancers (breast, ovarian, brain tumors). every.single.person was SO funny and SO nice and SO interesting. we had such a good time together. participants and the 5 staff and the 6 volunteers.
we played constant bocce.











and laughed all the time.











and kayaking?
it was SO MUCH FUN. i felt comfortable on the river. learned how to turn, go forward, AND how to roll. we spent a few days practicing in the ponds then moved out to the klamath for some rapids. the first day on the rapids none of the ladies flipped. we rocked it. the second day on the same stretch of river? i flipped in the first puny rapid. but was saved within seconds by amazing instructors.

and that was part of the amazingness of it all. we had three otter bar instructors plus brad (founder of first descents) and corey (8-year first descents instructor/counselor veteran). it was practically a one to one ratio of instructors to students. and every person had THE best attitude, the best laugh, the most fun in the water, the sweetest ways of helping.











i don't know what else to say.
basically, i went on this trip because my brother and my friend kelly starrett were pressuring me, begging me to do it, making sure it actually happened. and it turned out to be the most aMAZing experience. i was happy for 7 days straight, smiling, laughing, cracking up as i came up after flipping myself in the water. and i feel stronger. and braver. and understood. and respected. all in 7 days. all with a focus on kayaking.











in.
credible.

who would've thought...

who would've thought that i, sarah meghan kearney, would be driving 6 hours into northern california to spend a week on the salmon river learning how to kayak? for free. with cancer survivors. i never would've thought. but here i am. after a week on the river, i plan to impress the pants off my paddler friends and family who practically spend their lives on the water.

i will be on the river from saturday sept 6th to saturday sept 13th. i will definitely not have cell service. i may have internet. i definitely will have access to a hot tub and a masseuse.

life seems to be pretty good - especially thanks to first descents.
www.firstdescents.org

for the spanish exam

for the county job.

i literally had to prove my ability to do therapy in spanish by saying the numbers 4, 7, 9 in spanish. saying the months august, march, september, and october in spanish. saying "good morning," "good afternoon," "hello," and "goodbye," "street," "welcome," "north," "letter," and "please" in spanish. and then telling her how i learned my spanish.

literally rachel mcgovern, who is three and who learned spanish from sesame street and her babysitter, could've passed the test.

apparently good things come in fours

after a 6 month hiatus from dr. appointments, i finally had my first oncology appointment in sf. i had to wait so long because of insurance. kaiser colorado and kaiser california are different entities and don't exactly make it easy for patients to pass back and forth between the two. so i had to be sure that i had insurance lined up in california before transferring my kaiser colorado here as a "visiting member." long story. but 6 months later, i finally got to see an oncologist. and i fell in love.

dr. raymond liu is one of the nicest doctors i have ever met.

he spent an hour and 15 minutes with me. talking about my history. ensuring i understood all the reasons everything had been done up to now. talking me through everything. discussing future plans. he told me he was born in the bronx, raised in NJ, went to harvard, went to uchicago med school. SUCH a NICE person. so patient. made me feel like his priority.

and he set me up with a reconstruction referral, genetics testing referral, and a referral for a mammogram. the plan is to see him in another three to four months to continue to check in and make sure things are fine.

then as i walked out of my appt, i got a callback for an interview for a position as a therapist as part of the san mateo county mental health services. (a bit of a long story...i still plan to start work on sept 2nd at huckleberry youth programs...which is another long story...but this county position is just something good to have as a possibility in the future.)

then i went to have a great dinner with molly, corby, juliet, and gretchen (and georgia and caroline). corby and molly made homemade guacamole, salsa, AND CHIPS. so. so. good.

THEN i got home to an email from my parents' friends who've agreed to dog sit kitty while i'm learning to kayak in northern california for a week! i am so so so relieved. and so happy for kitty. marime and tom LOVE kitty. and i think she's going to have a very fun week in dixon.

what.a.good.day.

my new job? origins marketer

i recently went to the origins store to check out their skin care products. the woman who worked there told me that, due to customer demand, origins has been changing ALL of its products so they no longer include any of the cancer causing ingredients that we're all worried about. since july 2007, they have been phasing out all parabens, propylene glycol, and dea.

in the stores, these changes are more obvious. right on the box, they have the list of all the ingredients that are NOT in their products anymore. but they aren't really doing anything to advertise it on their website. i had to dig through it - eventually finding the information in "about origins" and "product purity."

from their website:
Our products have always been formulated without Phthalates, Petroleum, Paraffin, dyes, mineral oil, the chemical sunscreen PABA and Animal Ingredients (except cruelty-free honey and beeswax.) And Origins tests its products on volunteer panels*.

Recently certain ingredients with previous long histories of safe use in the cosmetic industry have become the focus of attention. In response to consumer desires, Origins initiated a voluntary reformulation program to free our formulas of Parabens, Propylene Glycol and DEA. All existing Origins products have been reformulated and will begin to phase in as they become available through our standard manufacturing process.

Furthermore we use no synthetic fragrances (which are often made from petroleum or its by-products) or synthetic colors in our Skin and Body care products.

your personal pound of chemicals?

i just had the opportunity browse through a 1968 version of newsweek while i was eating breakfast this weekend. this is from an ad for celanese chemicals:

"celanese makes about one pound of chemicals a year for every person on earth. and production is growing faster than the "population explosion,"...not everyone yet enjoys his personal pound of celanese chemicals but, as we open new markets everywhere, we're getting closer."

!!!!!!!!!!!!

A LOT to share!

#1 - i finally got (and accepted) a JOB!!! i will be working through the ymca youth services bureau as a crisis counselor at an alternative high school in san bruno, ca (about 20 minutes from my house). i'm going to sign papers tomorrow and school starts on the 18th! my life of leisure is coming to an end BUT my life of health insurance in california is beginning!!!

#2 - i was accepted into an amazing program for young cancer survivors called first descents. they take cancer survivors on week-long kayaking trips. and i'll be doing one in the northern, northern tip of california on the salmon river in september!! firstdescents.org

#3 - my letter of intent was accepted for this incredible grant program called the SAMFund. they provide young cancer patients with money for all kinds of things...car insurance, health insurance, yoga, physical therapy, rent...so now i just have to write a full proposal by november. thesamfund.org

#4 - and...what else? my friend juliet just had a baby! i have a cousins' double date tonight with my cousin julie, her friend piper, and her cousin spencer. in a few weeks i get to see all my eastman cousins again for ashley's birthday. some denver friends (taylor and jay) will be here this weekend...you might remember them from the haircutting pictures last fall. and i'll get to see my lovely friend riki the weekend after that in sacramento... :)

so...all in all...one year post surgery...things seem to be working themselves back into place...*sigh*

call for suggestions...

i am applying for this grant from the SAMFund - an organization helping young cancer survivors to move forward from their diagnosis and treatment. i can apply for funds to help pay rent, car insurance, student loans, physical therapy, lots of things.

for the application, i have to write an essay on my cancer experience and what is unique about it. any suggestions? my experience is so much my day to day...that it's hard to piece out what is unique. any suggestions?

i think i should rename my blog...

these days i relate more to something like "ihatecancer." or "cancerisbullshit.com."
















do you remember this picture of me, lynn, and willie on the beach in the marin headlands (back in march)? all of us had cancer. all of us are positive thinkers, active, smart. and i just found out that willie passed away yesterday. his cancer had started in his heart and traveled to his lungs. despite all different treatments, the cancer took control.

willie was a NOLS instructor for years. he lived in the marin headlands with his wife. i only met him once. but he was so interesting, so nice, so thoughtful, so good to talk to.

i'm so sick of hearing about cancer taking pieces of people's lives away.

next saturday

next saturday i can start to attend yoga every saturday morning. for free. indefinitely. 17 blocks from my house.

www.yogabear.org rocks.

avon

i know i have a different reaction than many to the sight of a pink ribbon - or to the sight of billions of pink ribbons getting ready for the avon walk for breast cancer in sf this weekend. there are definitely emotional reasons...not ready to fully associate myself with the disease. but there are other reasons:

"...the Avon Company has chemicals linked to breast cancer in their products! Yet Avon, “the company for women,” has refused to talk to the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics or even admit they have possible carcinogens in their products.

Currently there are 392 Avon products listed in Skin Deep, a personal care product safety guide with in-depth information on 14,406 products. Of the Avon products:

• 65 are listed in the Highest Concern category
• 291 are listed in the Moderate Concern category
• 36 are listed in the Lowest Concern category

Avon products contain eight different parabens which have been linked to breast cancer. Other chemicals of concern include endocrine disruptors, neurotoxins and possible other carcinogens." (http://www.mbcc.org/content.php?id=169)

according to breast cancer action: "Avon will be removing dibutyl phthalates from its product lines. This is a small but important step by a corporate giant. It's important for the people Avon markets to, many of who are women of childbearing age, and it's important for future generations." (http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org/Pages/CosmeticCompanies.html)

i know, in part, it's because i'm paying so much attention...

but good LORD, cancer is freaking everywhere. WHAT is happening out there???

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/washington/13snow.html?hp

it sure does pay to be a cancer survivor

i'm practically bubbling over with excitement.

through the young survivors group that i'm a part of here in sf, i found an all-day yoga retreat in golden gate park - free to cancer survivors. AND i found an organization that sets up cancer survivors with free yoga classes in your neighborhood. !!!! it is SO what i need.

yogapalooza08.org
yogabear.org

check this out...

it's called seventyk because 70,000 young people 15-39 are diagnosed with cancer every year. take a look at the charts on the website, there's been little to negative improvement in survival rates.

http://www.seventyk.org/learn/

one year

it has taken me a few days to process all of this. one year since i was spending time with kelly and rachel in westchester. one year since the radiologist called at 4:45pm to shock the absolute hell out of me. one year since crying myself to sleep, listening to ratatat.

in some ways it feels like a MILLION years ago. but i can remember so many details. phone calls to set up the surgery. the heat of the boston summer. being on the train, the plane and desperately trying to hold in my tears.

god, it's so weird thinking about it all.

but what i do like to think about is all i'm grateful for now.

-for every single person in my family - my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandmother, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, my second cousins, my second cousin's kids, everyone. i feel so loved.

-for my friends, my friends, my friends. it makes me tear up just thinking about how everyone has helped me through this shitty year. the closeness i have felt. the energy radiating from you to me.

-and for kitty. of course. she probably deserves a medal for all the minutes she's spent cozying up next to me, licking tears off my face, and getting me out of the house when i felt like i couldn't even get off the couch.

this past thursday (the one year anniversary of my diagnosis) i had a job interview. at the very end of the interview, the woman told me that basically, she's really looking for someone with strong, positive energy. that felt like my cue. i told her that i was going to "self-disclose" - the first time i've talked about it in an interview setting. i told her that i had been diagnosed with cancer last year. and that as typical, as cheesy, as boring as it sounds...i came through cancer a stronger, brighter person. not wanting to waste my life. feeling happy and light. wanting to enjoy everyone and everything. and it's all true.

here i am. in sf. spending time at the beach. spending time with all my friends and all my family. making exercise a priority and loving it. making healthy food choices. still watching bad tv like america's next top model and so you think you can dance. (totally fine.)

what do i still need?
a job. health insurance. a new car. and i'm still waiting on the boob.
i think once i get even just the first two, i'm going to feel like i'm really on track to getting my life to where it needs to be.

so. as i continue to start this bright, shiny new year of mine...thank you. thank you. thank you. thank.god.for.ALL.of.you. my chest feels heavy and tight just thinking about how important everyone has been to me this year.


love.
love.
love.

safer sunscreens

the cosmetics safety database just updated their website and it's WAY easier to find sunscreens that are safe.

check it out. there are cheaper recommendations like CVS and walgreens...
http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/special/sunscreens2008/

my technologically savvy brother...

...suggested that i add an area to my blog that would include links to important articles, websites, etc.

so, i did.

please look to the right and let me know if there are links that should be included.

bright shiny new year

i was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks into my 32nd year. 32 proved to completely suck.

i am so, so happy to have another marker to put this year behind me. 33, like my old friend laura dougherty said, will be a bright shiny new year. i wonder when the last time i was so happy to welcome a birthday...1983? 1991?

so far it's starting off wonderfully. beautiful sunny warmish day in sf. already opening presents. quiet breakfast and coffee. multiple notes and messages from everyone i love. and a poker night tonight with a few of the most important people in my life?! priceless. :)

july 3rd - june 3rd

wow. i got my diagnosis 11 months ago today.

i haven't written many reminders for everyone to do their self breast exams lately, huh? do them, ladies, do them.

today was another big day

brake light fixed? check.
smog check? check.
california license plates? check.
california drivers license? check.
a guy at the dmv who's going to help me find a state or county job? check.
a guy at trader joe's who told me he thinks i'm going to have a good year? check.

still waiting on? a job with health insurance and one new boob.

today was a very big day

i have reached the sixth month (minus one week) post chemo.

and i got my FIRST haircut!

i found a place in downtown san francisco that offers a "welcome back" program for people who have gone through chemo - 3 free services post chemo. i had the sweetest 23-year old hairstylist. she complimented me on my hair. asked me about my cancer story then paused part way through the cut...and said..."hey, how are you feeling? this cut is a really big deal." she planned out my whole "grow back" strategy. then at the end she asked for a hug.

THEN i went to my three-times weekly crossfit class. had a good workout. and then coach kelly told everyone to get together for a picture, "with meghan kearney in the front!" the reason for our photo?: my very first haircut since finishing chemo...can you see the tears welling up in my eyes? something about the announcement hit me hard.

(and check out the perfect posing by corrine and catherine to my left.)

in today's nytimes...

no one's recommending anything yet but...interesting...

"Among the other studies to be presented at the conference is one that found that patients with newly diagnosed breast cancer who had low levels of vitamin D had a much greater probability of dying or experiencing a spread of the cancer than patients with sufficient levels of the vitamin.

But the research was not designed to establish that vitamin D deficiency was the cause of the worse prognosis. So Dr. Pamela J. Goodwin of the University of Toronto, an author of the study, said it would be premature to recommend that breast cancer patients take megadoses of vitamin D.

Dr. Julie R. Gralow, a breast cancer specialist at the University of Washington and the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, concurred.

“We have no idea whether correcting a vitamin D deficiency will alter these outcomes,” said Dr. Gralow, chairwoman of the oncology society’s communications committee.

The study followed 512 women treated for early-stage breast cancer in Toronto from 1989 to 1995, and tracked them through 2007. Those with vitamin D levels so low at the time of diagnosis as to be deemed deficient had nearly twice the risk of the cancer’s recurring or spreading as those with sufficient levels, and a 73 percent greater risk of dying. Only 24 percent of the women had sufficient levels at the time of diagnosis."

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/16/health/research/16cancer.html?ref=us

23 weeks post chemo...

my friend of 15 years, jessica arnold, came to sf this weekend for a wedding. an added bonus of our trip to the marin headlands is that i finally have some pictures of my hair from the front!

or this?

summertime...

with two water-related long weekends planned and the summer quickly approaching...i decided to start looking for an appropriate bathing suit. i thought it would be somewhat easy. i thought i could find something. but no. instead it sends me spiraling towards depression.

this particular comment from a dr. on breastcancer.org was especially unhelpful:
"Finding a flattering bathing suit is a challenge for just about any woman! "

what i tend to forget is that breast cancer related things tend to be designed for older women. apparently older women who have had mastectomies like bathing suits with little skirts or low-rise legs. and ridiculous patterns. i have found SOME bathing suits that i MIGHT actually be caught dead in...but then i see that they are best for size B/C cup or they start at size 10 or 12. or they are $140.

can you imagine me lounging around the pool in vegas in THESE?














...or imagine if this could work???!!!

farmed fish...ick...

as a result of my food obsession, my friend, emily leary, suggested i read marion nestle's book called, "what to eat: an aisle-by-aisle guide to savvy food choices and good eating."

this is what i found on page 208:

"farmed salmon...are raised like cattle in feedlots. they are confined in pools of antibiotics, pesticides, chemicals, and wastes, which then spill the equivalent of raw sewage into local waters. if the fish escape - which millions invariably do every year - they can end up in the wrong ocean (atlantic salmon in the pacific northwest, for example), compete for resources, and spread diseases like sea lice to wild fish, and when the mate with wild fish, change the genetic basis of the population..."

yuck.yuck.yuck.

there is a lot more information in the fish chapters of her book. big fish eating littler fish and all about PCBs (polychlorinated biphenyls).

the most important stuff, though, seems to be:
avoid eating shark, swordfish, king mackeral, and tilefish - to avoid all the mercury they have in them. the fda suggests pregnant women should NEVER eat these fish. and they suggest only eating albacore tuna once a week...but if pregnant women shouldn't eat them, should the rest of rest assured that we'll be just fine?

marion nestle suggests "you can safely eat farmed salmon from chile and washington state, but you should avoid farmed salmon if it comes from more polluted places like scotland and the faroe islands. you can get rid of about half the PCBs in farmed salmon by following these steps: score the flesh; grill or broil the salmon until it reaches an internal temperature of 175 degrees and the juices run off; and remove the skin before eating."

or just always try to make sure your fish is wild caught.

for more information on which fish are safe to eat (both for yourself and the environment) check here:
http://www.seafoodchoices.com/smartchoices/findseafood.php

another good resource is thefishlist.org that gives you a very simple list of fish to "enjoy" and fish to "avoid."
(but right now it seems like the site is having some problems...)

and for a pocket-sized guide...
http://www.edf.org/documents/1980_pocket_seafood_selector.pdf

5 months post chemo...

check out the blond!

9 months

i was diagnosed 9 months and 1 week ago.

have you done 9 months and 1 week's worth of self beast exams?
9 months and 1 week's worth of changing your eating or buying habits?
9 months and 1 week's worth of opening your windows to let in the breeze as often as you can?

these are the changes i have made:
i always buy organic apples and spinach.
i always buy organic dairy - milk, cream, yogurt, cheese, and cottage cheese.
i look at all beauty products to avoid parabens and my lotion is fragrance free.
i have an aluminum water bottle that i use all the time.
and yesterday i bought seventh generation glass cleaner and bathtub cleaner for the same price as the walgreens brand.

see? it's really not that hard.

i am not my hair

i used to use the india.arie song, "i am not my hair," with the middle school girls i worked with. trying to help them see there was more to them than their appearance.

well, it turns out i never really registered the entire song.
i heard it the other day and just sat there with my jaw on the floor...
here's the part that stopped me dead in my track:s

"...i am not my hair
i am not this skin
i am not your expectations no
i am not my hair
i am not this skin
i am a soul that lives within

does the way i wear my hair make me a better person?
does the way i wear my hair make me a better friend?
does the way i wear my hair determine my integrity?
i am expressing my creativity

breast cancer and chemotherapy
took away her crown and glory
she promised god if she was to survive
she would enjoy everyday of her life
her diamond eyes are sparkling
bald headed like a full moon shining
singing out to the whole wide world like hey...

i am not my hair
i am not this skin
i am not your expectations no
i am not my hair
i am not this skin
i am a soul that lives within..."

supposedly, india.arie wrote the last part of the song after watching the grammys in 2005. there she watched melissa etheridge perform bald after going through a lumpectomy and chemo for breast cancer. india.arie said, "her performance brought tears to my eyes. at that moment in time, her performance was a juxtaposition of pain and beauty. it symbolized the beauty of strength."


grammys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_j3TDhc8vY
india.arie's video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZd1KeZhjfU

after ALL that...

...turns out the medical deductions wouldn't even help me.

without other deductions like mortgage payments or something like that, taking the standard deduction is more beneficial than just the medical. i feel like i tricked myself to go into the temple of doom and it wasn't even necessary.

one sure fire way to relive last year's trauma?

prepare taxes.

ug. my stomach has been turning for the last half hour as i organize all my medical receipts for taxes. i'm reliving every appointment since june. the first appt when i felt the lump. the mammogram. the mri and the fainting mri. the surgery. the appt to get the drain out. the oncology appts. all the chemos. and all the prescriptions. my stomach turns every time i see a receipt for a prescription. dexamethasone.? gag. prochlorperazine? gag. aprepitant? gag, gag, gag.

no wonder they say someone else should take care of all your paperwork.

rager with the fam

this weekend was my cousin's bachelorette weekend up in dillon beach, ca. we all rented a house, ate, hottubbed, hiked, beached. it was beautiful...and though this entry won't have anything to do with cancer...it DOES have to do with feeling like - considering the circumstances - i feel like i made the right choice to come to california. being close to friends and family is really, really nice.

more info on moisturizers

8 ingredients to avoid

1. mineral oil, paraffin, and petrolatum,
2. parabens
3. phenol carbolic acid
4. propylene glycol
5. acrylamide
6. sodium laurel or lauryl sulfate (sls) or sodium laureth sulfate (sles)
7. toluene
8. dioxene

check out this link for the details on the ingredients. basically, they clog pores, are connected to cancer, and are found in engine degreasers. not so good for you.
http://products.mercola.com/natural-body-butter/

i should really be working on a cheat sheet to bring to the store, huh? there's SO much to remember.

a mini support group

the other day i finally met my friend lynn!

my brother had put us in touch with each other because we have the unfortunate cancer camaraderie. we've been emailing for the last 8 months but had never met. and this week, lynn came to sf to visit a few friends and ME. it was great, great, great to meet her. we spent all this time walking in the marin headlands. we compared hair growth and our scars, chatted it up about eating and planning our lives after cancer. it was especially nice because we spent a lot of time with lynn's friend willie who, unfortunately, is going through chemo right now. willie joined us at the table for our cancer support group. i really haven't spent that much time with people who've gone through cancer. and it was really nice (as well as a bit depressing) to all have shared experiences - of shivering at the bad taste of water during chemo, of losing our hair identity, of the nausea and the exhaustion, etc.

it was lovely to hang out. and it reinforced my feelings of frustration; why are so many people getting *@!*# cancer????

milestone

tuesday night marked the first time i left the house without my wig on in...something like 4-5 months.

gretchen and i went to crossfit (sanfranciscocrossfit.com) for our scheduled tuesday night workout. i went without a hat. without a wig. no one recognized me, asked me if this was my first class. coach kelly was so excited to see it. asked if he could make a big deal about it to the group. i hesitated...thought about...and said it was okay.

so we had a painful workout of all this running, all these kettleball lifts, and pullups.

and then at the end, kelly had us in a circle. recognizing one person's first crossfit workout. recognizing great workouts of a few people. and then he said..."we have a really big deal tonight, though. one person among us came out in public for the first time in 4 months without a wig on! meghan kearney! " everyone turned towards me and started clapping. i interrupted them, though. i felt this desperate need to explain..."yeah, but kelly, you have to explain why i was wearing a wig. it wasn't just my choice. i just finished chemo." and everyone started clapping again. it was really sweet.

afterwards people came up to me. told me my hair looked cute. that they never would've known. congratulated me on having completed chemo. it was a really nice feeling.

and i feel like it'll really help me to stay motivated at crossfit. i had been feeling a bit like a slacker because i'm so out of shape - thanks to just being lazy and thanks to chemo. but now that everyone knows about the chemo - i feel both like i'm allowed to be a bit of a slacker and like i'm not allowed to be a slacker at all. it'll give me that extra motivation to work my ass off when i feel like i can't anymore.

in the same way my friends helped welcome me into the bald-world, it was a really nice welcome into a wig-free world.

well...

...dream job is off the table.

lame lame.

but what does it say in that poem to the right? "...clearing you out for some new delight..." that's what it is. i just needed some space to go out and find another dream job. probably craigslist will be glad to have me back all day everyday.

it WAS nice, though, that the director called me to tell me they had chosen someone else. it was between me and another social worker with a license. the license beat me. but she knows whoever gets me in the end will be lucky. thanks for second place.

good thing is that today i went on an interview with a residential drug treatment place for teenagers. i really liked the people. and although i've never worked in residential treatment before...maybe it would be a good step in a learning direction. we'll see.

new experiences just keep on coming...

i never thought i would grow a beard.

well, these days i can thank chemo for a lot of things. including helping me grow a beard. according to my doctor, chemo basically resets all the hair follicles to fall out at once. which means they are also reset to grow IN all at once. normally hairs fall out, hairs grow a bit, all hairs are in different stages. but, as my face clearly showed, all of my hairs were growing in all at once. luckily i have light hair...but still.

so.
my sweet mom and her sweet friend, marime, went into the neighborhood to do some research and came back with a gift certificate for a facial waxing. so i went today to become a beardless woman again. and it feels SO nice.