am i in a really bad episode of punk'd?

Ug. Where to start?

Yesterday was the worst day yet.

I had a physical. We met with the surgeon. We met with the Nurse Manager for education on what to expect. I watched a video on breast reconstruction. I had a chest X-ray. And I had blood taken. 10:30am-4:30pm. I have never felt so worn out and overwhelmed.

Armed with Eric, my mom, and my dad, I went into the meeting with the surgeon. And it scared me to death. She is the nicest woman on the planet and super competent. But no matter all her qualifications and bedside manner, she was still saying horrible things I didn't want to hear like mastectomy, reconstruction, radiation, and chemo. She talked about chemo being an almost definite possibility. She said I should probably talk to my gynecologist to save some of my eggs because chemo basically would kill them all. I lost it. Completely lost it. Nevermind that months ago Eric and I had entertained the idea of not having kids. I just lost it. And from that point in the conversation, I couldn't follow a single thing she was saying, not a single diagram she was drawing. I'd hold it together in the waiting room with Eric. And then when I was by myself waiting for the X-ray, I couldn't stop crying - sitting in the hallway in a blue gown.

I want kids. I want our kids. I want to have them when we want them. I don't want to have to harvest eggs and talk about a possible surrogate. I mean...someone has GOT to be kidding me.

How did this happen? I'm 32! I'm a social worker. I help people through bad things. I don't smoke. I barely drink. I'm a vegetarian and I try to eat organic as much as financially possible. I don't even HAVE boobs!! This is freakin insane. In-sane.

I felt like I was going in and out of consciousness almost. I was lying on the couch watching the movie "Cars" and I sort of woke up and wondered why my parents were at my house. Then remembered. I was sitting at Chipotle with Eric. I didn't want to eat. All I wanted to do was drink that beer that he so perfectly thought to buy. Remembered the situation and started to cry in Chipotle.

Last night I felt like I was going crazy. It was ALL I could do to keep from exploding in tears. I felt like a pressure cooker with my wobbly top about to pop off. But what was freaking me out was that I couldn't label my emotions. I wasn't thinking about things. Words weren't popping into my head. Images of the videos or my imagination weren't running through my brain. Nothing. My head felt empty. But my heart and my chest felt like I was going to explode. The only thing that released that pressure was when Eric labeled it for me, for us. He said he feels this pre-grief, this impending awfulness. As soon as he labeled it, I felt lighter. I didn't feel like crying. It was almost like a feeling of peace for some creepy reason. But I think that's exactly what is happening for both of us right now...the feeling of impending awfulness.