my adorable brother.

even though i'm taking some time away from the blog, i thought this recent event warranted a posting.

my adorable younger brother is raising money for first descents - the organization that took me on a free week-long kayaking expedition. patrick is participating in a triathlon in vegas on november 8th. and he hopes to raise at least $4,000 to help 4 cancer survivors participate in camps next year. so far, he has had an incredible response and he's very close to achieving his goal.

so...just in case you haven't heard...or if you know someone who'd be interested...

http://www.active.com/donate/firstdescents/4meggy

wild ride?

well. 2 years and 11 days after i started getoutofmyboob, 226 posts later, i think i'm ready to take a break. (although a friend said i should just change the name to checkoutmynewrack.)

i've been pretty quiet ever since my almost final reconstruction surgery. for some reason, all of a sudden, this whole process feels more private than public now. it's been 2+ years since my diagnosis. 2+ years since my mastectomy. 1 year 11 months since chemo started. 1 year 8 months since chemo ended. 1 year 6 months since my hair started growing back. and it's been pretty f-ing intense. let me tell you.

now i just feel like...i need to take a break. i need to take some time to really process all that has happened in the last two years. take some time to think about what i want to do next. and somehow that process doesn't feel possible in the public arena of getoutofmyboob.

HOWEVER. i may change my mind. i know i'll have to have some updates when all is DONE...probably about 6 more months from now.

i'm eternally grateful for what this blog helped me do: connect with people, simultaneously process and share my story, and get ridiculous amounts of support.

love, love, and love,
meghan and kitty.
and the new cancer-free boobs.
and the awesome new car.

i never thought of this connection...

"A global shortage of a radioactive drug crucial to tests for cardiac disease, cancer and kidney function in children is emerging because two aging nuclear reactors that provide most of the world’s supply are shut for repairs...

In breast cancer surgery, the radioisotope is injected to find the lymph node nearest the tumor, so it can be biopsied for signs of cancer, to determine whether more extensive surgery is needed. The alternative is to inject a dye, which sometimes does not let the surgeon find the node. Without the tool, Dr. Graham said, the quality of medical care is “dropping back into the 1960s.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/24/science/24isotope.html?_r=1&ref=us

sleepless...

...anxious about my new car.
...anxious about what comes next once i've accomplished all the goals i've set for myself.

san francisco? check.
job that i love? check.
pull-up? check.
TWO boobs? check.
new car? in about 18 hours, i will be able to say, check.

NOW what the hell do i do?

well, instead of sleeping, i wrote a letter of intent for the SAMFund grant. they were the ones that granted me money for a year of yoga, physical therapy, and car insurance. grantees can re-apply for 3 years. and all grantees have to be between 17 and 35. (i'm almost too old.) so i decided to take a sleepless night and turn it into a strong letter of intent.

i'll have the answer (if i can continue with the application process) by august 7th.

well......

...it's been a while. it's taken me a while to get used to everything. to figure out my new body.

the reveal?
last thursday i went to my post-op appt with dr. simonds. he unwrapped all the bandages. said everything looked fine. said i could really do whatever i wanted except put my arms above my head. he suggested alternating percocet with extra strength tylenol. and said he'd set another appointment in 6-8 weeks. and in about 6-12 months - once the implants "fall" and once we know i'm satisfied, we will start talking about the nipple. which...i actually don't want to talk about because he said, most commonly, he cuts half of the other nipple off and uses it on the new boob. AH!

anyway. so. i had a hard time with the reveal. i had been spending months and months looking at every woman's boobs that i passed on the street. researching online. bad celebrity boob jobs. etc. it was an obsession...and so when dr. simonds took off all the bandages i was seriously expecting for some beautiful boobalicious boobs to pop out. but...i had forgotten a lot of things. i had forgotten about scars, surgical tape, pain, AND that everyone has told me not to judge the new boobs for 4-6 months until they have properly "fallen" into place.

so i'm waiting for that to happen.

i still have the ace bandage on to help the implants fall downward. i'll have the bandage on for another 3 weeks to encourage the implants down. odd that most women want their boobs to stay up and never fall.

otherwise, i'm doing fine. not too much pain as long as i keep things minimal and slow. SO much better than february's surgery. and i'm SO grateful for that. i'm also grateful for my mom. she's been cooking, cleaning, walking kitty, cleaning out closets, scrubbing the bathtub, offering me coffee in bed, and keeping me company. she leaves within the next few days. ... how boring. what will i do then?

well...maybe what i'll do is drive around the state of california.
i'm in the process of getting a new car. to go with my new boobs.
finally, finally, finally my shitty road is coming to a real end.

tomorrow, the reveal!

i have been ace-bandaged up since surgery. and it's all surreal. maybe the surgery didn't really happen.

tomorrow i meet with the nurse to make sure everything is healing well. i'm excited for the reveal. but really, really nervous. i keep thinking about the last surgery. last time i felt f-i-n-e fine until i took the ace bandage off. and then my body just started to KILL. i'm so nervous that's what's going to happen to me this time. so far...i feel good. not too much pain. i can sleep. i can move slowly. and i'm just so nervous it'll take a turn for the worse. (!!)

we'll see. tomorrow. 10:30.

another favorite comment about this whole procedure:

"i hope you're enjoying your new breast friends."

and this is who greeted me at the admitting office

home again home again

arrived at the hospital at 1. left around 830. home now. in bed. eating a bit. drinking a lot. feeling okay. thanks to percocet. tight. and sore. but okay. i can now really start to put all this BEHIND me.

my favorite thing anyone has said about this debacle:

"your monday boobs will be way better than friday boobs."

now i don't even dare saying t minus anything

...and actually, even i were brave enough and even if i were not-superstitious enough...i still don't even KNOW what time my surgery is scheduled for!

i have to call kaiser surgery department first thing in the morning to find out when they want me there. i feel like whatever they say i will not believe them. i should do the exact opposite of what they tell me. they tell me to get there as soon as i can. oh yeah? i'll mosey on in at 5. god, so frustrating. i have no confidence in them.

now...my *surgeon* i still love and adore and trust. it's just all the other people there.

...

shoot.

...

shouldn't i be thinking positively?
grrrrrr.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

you might think that i'm in surgery right now. but we're back to t minus 3 days. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

my surgery got canceled.

we got all ready. got to kaiser. put on the gown. got an iv. answered a billion questions, including: when was the last time you ate solid foods? i answered: this morning at 730. they FREAKED out. WHAT? WHEN? SERIOUSLY? 730AM?

a nurse called me last night to give me my surgery time. she said to be at kaiser at 2. she said i could eat until 730am, drink clear liquids until 11am. so i did. and then she totally was wrong. and because she told me that, they weren't able to do the surgery. grrrrrrrrrrr. they said that when you get anesthesia, all your muscles relax. it's possible food can come and you can choke and die.

so. i mean. i guess i don't want that to happen. but i'm still mad at that dumb nurse.

so, dr simonds said, we rescheduled for july 24th. i literally jumped out of the bed. SO MAD. MY MOM FLEW OUT HERE FOR THIS! I TOOK TWO WEEKS OFF! #@!!*!@!#!! THE 24TH?!?!?!?!

so dr simonds went to figure out the situation. and he came back and said, what about monday? monday afternoon.

i can do monday. i can handle monday.
but i'm still mad.

t minus 2 1/2 hours

i haven't been able to eat since 7:30 this morning...and i'm huuuuuuungry.

t minus...

t minus 15 1/2 hours. i finally found out that i have to show up for my surgery at 2pm tomorrow. which, at first, i almost had a heart attack that it was so late. i was thinking about how i might die of starvation because i wasn't allowed to eat or drink past midnight tonight. then the nurse told me i could eat a light breakfast until 7:30am and i could drink clear liquids until 11am. so...nutrition-wise, i think i'll be fine. i just wonder if the more awake time i have before surgery, the more awake time i have to start stressing.

we'll see.

right now i just feel exhausted. i've been running around like a lunatic for the last week trying to make sure i got everything done before my surgery. side-mirror fixed, car checked out. car and dog washed. all heavy things lifted - like a 40lb bag of dog food. grocery shopped. bought 6 bottles of kombucha to aid in digestion and healing. laundry. vacuumed. air mattress bought. disability insurance figured out. work finished. teenagers know i'll be out for two weeks. bosses know i'll be out for two weeks. etc etc etc. i even remembered to put an "out of office" message on my email and on my voicemail. *that* is impressive.

so anyway, because i've been running around like a lunatic doing all that. i actually haven't been thinking about the surgery. and now i'm so tired from all the running, that i'm still not really thinking about the surgery.

my mom flew in this afternoon. kitty had a heart attack of love and excitement when she walked in the door. we went to dinner tonight - probably my last meal out for a WHILE. and we're all prepared to hang out tomorrow until 1ish and then spend the afternoon at the kaiser hospital in sf.

at least i love my surgeon.

july 3rd, 2009

...my diagnosis was two years ago tomorrow. weird. a lot to think about.

movies

a friend of mine suggested, in honor of my soon-to-be new rack, that i watch movies that celebrate the buxom woman. for example, anything starring dolly parton.

more suggestions? (and, uh, keep it clean. i'm going to be watching these movies with my mom during my recovery.)

my cute brother

remember when patrick shaved his head when i had to? well, a year and a half later he still comes through.

i got an envelope in the mail on my birthday from the kabuki spa in san francisco. with a gift certificate for an incredible massage. a birthday present from my brother. i was so excited about it that the happiness the IDEA of it gave me was almost enough.

so i made an appointment for this past friday. with brian. a shiatsu masseuse who'd recently been to some orthopedic training so they thought he'd be a good match for me and my boob-related issues.

he was soooooooo good. and so interesting.
he did the whole massage while i was lying on my side - because i can't lie on my stomach without feeling very uncomfortable. he kneaded the hell out of my shoulders and neck and back. and he told me a few interesting things. that, surprise surprise, i'm super tight. that my right (my surgery side) is way tighter than my left. that i am so tight that he's surprised my nerves haven't been affected - which would've been eveidenced by my feeling some numbeness or tingling in my arm. that, despite all this, my joints, muscles, and tissue all seem to be in good form - which he would call a strong chi. which i liked to hear.

and now i just wish i could go back every week.
i DO have the chance to apply for that grant funding again...maybe i could ask for a new car and weekly massages. ah, that would be the life.

new boobs just 17 days away

turns out anxiety dreams about surgery can start as early as 19 days before surgery. uggggggggggg. it kills me that i talk with my kids about meditating anxiety away, just imagine colors, just breathe and count. guess what, meghan? that DOESN'T.WORK.

wow

i guess people's opinions didn't change since the last b/c poll. :)

who knew?

dancing at weddings is painful 4 days post-pump-up. worth it. but who knew?

owwwwwwwwww

first of all, i thought vicodin caused drowsiness NOT insomnia. i'm lying in bed. my boob is killing me. and vicodin, true to our past history together, has done nothing for me.

i got pumped up this morning. and there's so much to say, i'm hoping through writing things will get a little clearer for me.

so today cely (the nurse) was wearing flourescent green pants and a scrub top with zebra print and flourescent green trim. she's about 4'10" at most. and her daughter bought this outfit for her in a size medium. cely was disappointed but knew her daughter meant well. cely also told me that she's most likely going to retire in november of this year. kaiser is asking people to retire and she's been there for 35 years. she's a nurse. her husband was a doctor. two of her daughters are nurses. and one daughter and one son are doctors.

anyway. she was so cute. she said she would miss me if she retired.

so then dr. simonds came in. as usual looking like he's about to crack up at something funny going on in his head. i asked him all these questions about recovery after surgery, cup size advice, saline vs. silicone. he answered 1) same as the february surgery with most of the pain in my left boob, 2) he suggests a C - longer story to follow, and 3) silicone; there is no evidence that silicone implants cause problems.

so we talked long and hard about the size issue. i told him that i was starting to get a little greedy...that maybe a B isn't all that exciting. that maybe i wanted a small C. he thought and thought and looked and looked. and then said that we could do two things. 1) we could do the surgery as scheduled, july 10th. the cup size would be a large B. or 2) we could postpone the surgery (uggggggggg), do another pump up in july, wait the preferred 2 months for the skin and muscle to fully stretch, and THEN have the surgery in september/october. he looked at me dead seriously, the man who never seems to really give his advice or opinion, and said, "you would have GREAT.(pause for emphasis).boobs."

hi-larious. hilarious. my surgeon says he could make me great boobs.

so now i'm stuck with a decision to make. what is more important? what would give me the longer term satisfaction? which do you like bettah?

do i go for the gold, strive for greatness, go big or go home? do i get my life back on track, as expected, in july vs. october? do i really care about the difference between a B and a C? i've gone this far, gone through so much, why not achieve some reconstructive surgeon's version of perfection? will i have men staring first at my chest and never at my face? will i feel disappointed i didn't go one step further?

so.much.to.think.about.

and all of this while my boob is KILLLLLLING me. it's stinging with all the nerve endings that have grown back. VERY stretched. hurts to turn in the car to back up. hurts when kitty pulls on the leash. hurts to get out of bed (aGAIN). my body won't LET me sneeze cause it knows it'll hurt too much - i get to the first part of the sneezing, the inhale...and my body shuts it down. i literally just keep whimpering to myself...whining, whimpering, pouting.

another mary oliver...

this one was sent to me by my friend vaidya.
again, calming. again, inspiring.

The Summer Day by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

i've never been one to say i love poetry

but a friend (going through A LOT) recently sent this to me and i'm in love.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver

first time at the dentist since right before chemo.

last week i finally did all these things i've been meaning to do for months. like i finally made a dentist appointment for the first time since august 2007.

i really don't like the dentist. and so i was complaining about it before i went. but then as i left the house and started walking to the dentist...i felt like i was having a panic attack. but it actually wasn't about going to the dentist...i just started having the clearest memories of the LAST time i went to the dentist. i thought about how i had to call my dentist to request the quickest appointment possible so that i could get a cleaning before my chemo started. i thought about how that was one of the first times i had to tell someone random about my situation. and i remember almost crying on the phone while i made the appointment. and do you remember the woman who cleaned my teeth? was her name mary? she was the one who told me all about her own crazy cancer history...and all the incredible things she did for herself to try to get through it. all these art projects. creating a concrete area where she could throw and break glass.

anyway. so i could feel my heart beating faster and faster as i thought more and more about what was happening in my life the last time i went to the dentist. and i hadn't even stepped into the dentist office.

so i actually step into the dentist office...and walk into an entirely different experience.

i meet with the dentist. she sits across from me at a round dinner table. she went over all the paperwork i had filled out. i had had to check "yes" to surgery, cancer, chemo, serious illness. (that in itself was difficult enough.) then she starts telling me about all of her friends who've had breast cancer. a total of 6. one of her best friends had bc 10 years ago. lots of side effects from the chemo. 4 of her high school friends who live back in china. she talked on and on and on. which turned my emotions from completely anxious to completely annoyed...honestly. i didn't feel empathy or sympathy or anything like that from her. i felt this incessant need to tell her own stories.

and then she got up from the dinner table. and i noticed this sitting next to me on the table:















so THEN i sat down in the dentist chair and started talking to the dentist that was going to clean my teeth. this cute kid in his 20s who was frustrated because he had originally asked for the day off to attend a secret wedding. a secret wedding? his girlfriend's friends were eloping and they needed a witness.

THEN he asked me all about my job. what i do. who i work with. why i like it. what do i talk with them about. how long i've been in the field. when i knew i wanted to be a social worker. (all extremely cute questions if my mouth hadn't been full of dental equipment.) i told him i knew i wanted to be a social worker since i was 15. he said he knew he wanted to be a dentist since he was 16. and he told me why. you get to talk to people all day. and you don't really have to do much. and he told me his favorite thing is extractions. yuccccccccccccccck.

so. in the end, it was a cute experience. no cavities even though i haven't been to the dentist in 18 months. but it really did feel like a whirlwind of emotions.

growing, growing, growing.

if my hair is soaking wet and i pull it as hard as i can, my hair is long enough to reach my collar bones! woohoo! it only took 16 months!

read this. (depressing)

there is a TEN-YEAR OLD in southern california who was diagnosed with breast cancer last month.
wow.
so messed up.

http://www.sgvtribune.com/ci_12248253?source=email

read this. (inspiring)

a piece about living through three cancer diagnoses before the age of 30. the author is a friend of mine from first descents.

http://www.canceradvocacynow.org/site/TR/Events/General?pxfid=1250&fr_id=1050&pg=fund&et=CJbWfceZTOZud0OBD9J3Fg..&s_tafId=1100

since i had the third procedure...

...i thought i should give an update.

my new boob is now about a C. (one A, one C)

my cousin yelled, from 100ft in a parking lot in golden gate park, that it really was a good size for me. my coworker said that it really was the perfect size for me. it balanced me out. when i had six coworkers all around me inspecting the new size...all of them said it was perfect. except one. she said, "go BIGGER!"

so, i really like it.

but it's one full week after the third pump-up and it's still hurting, aching, stinging. which is totally normal. but just unsettling.

and also, i've been meaning to say how much i love my surgeon.
every time i'm there i have my coffee with me. he comments on it every time. and this time he wanted to know all the details. which just killed me. he wanted to know what kind of coffee. why i was so particular about my coffee. sugar? half and half? organic? he just wanted to know all the details. and WHEN was the last time any doctor cared or even had the time to even wonder about those details?

check my ponytails!!!

it's been too long.

do your breast self exam today. it really can make a difference.

and then go out and buy organic spinach, lotion without parabens, and no more plastic water bottles. and then exercise.

do it.

http://www.acog.org/publications/patient_education/bp145.cfm

"i'll try anything these days..."

i'm such a liar. i couldn't do it this morning. i woke up and could not imagine dancing away my cancer issues.

what i might try instead though is fishing away my cancer issues.

our friends tom and marime found out about this organization called casting for recovery (http://www.castingforrecovery.org/) that provides weekend-long fly-fishing lessons for breast cancer survivors. i am hesitant only because there's an on-duty psychotherapist. immediately i was like. ug. gag me. and then i remembered that, uh, my current title is psychotherapist and i'm always trying to convince people of the incredible benefits of therapy.

expressive arts therapy

look what i'm going to do tomorrow!

Tamalpa Life/Art as a Creative Healing Force
This workshop is for people whose life is or has been affected by illness, their caregivers and health care practitioners. We will explore how embodied creativity such as movement/dance, visual art, dialogue and writing is a healing force that nurtures mind, body and spirit, connecting us to our resources within. About the facilitator: Astrid Mackwitz is a graduate from Tamalpa Institute, currently pursuing her MA in Expressive Arts Therapy. She is facilitating expressive arts therapy groups for adults facing cancer at the Marin Cancer Institute through the Foundation for Integrative Oncology.

i found out about it through a friend at work who has her masters in expressive arts therapy. i was asking her about suggestions for helping through my new body issues and she suggested this...and it's free.

it's a little weird...i wouldn't think that i would normally do something like this....but...whatever...i'll try anything these days.

my first physical therapy session...

i feel like i should probably wait a few hours (at least) to comment on my very first physical therapy session...but i'm just so excited that i wanted to just share now...and probably later, too.

so. the samfund is paying for my physical therapy. and instead of going to some random kaiser person. i get to have kelly starrett. so we had our first session at his house today. and actually, now that i'm writing, i'm not even sure what to say about it all.

i can't stop marveling at how similar social work and physical therapy are. kelly asked me what my goals were, what my fears were. i said, as you may guess, getting a pull-up again, feeling balanced, and getting over the fear i feel. the simple THOUGHT of doing a pull-up now just makes my pec crawl deep into my body to never come out again. the strength that would take. the flexibility. ow. ow. ow.

but here's the parallel to social work. kelly was like. okay. hold on. of course, you can't go from stiff, inflexible surgery site to pull-up in a day. so we will take it step by step. imagine yourself just walking your hands against the wall. imagine holding your body in plank position and not going down into a full push-up. imagine all the millions of steps in between complete lack of range of motion on the right side and the pull-up...and we'll take it one by one.

i felt like cracking up. it's exactly what i do with my clients. they are like, i want to pass all my classes. and i'm like, okay, first things first. you have all f's. and it's going to be really hard work getting from f's to all passing. let's imagine the steps that you're going to have to take to get to your goal. and writing out these steps can take a lot of the anxiety away. it can make it less overwhelming.

so here i was. not doing anything (not really moving, not really stretching) because i was too scared to attempt anything out of fear. and now kelly's like...okay, stretch this way. lie this way for 2 minutes. hold your hand out here for 30 seconds. and we'll stretch that muscle and elongate it. and i'll feel more confident and more secure to actually start to get to where i want to go.

*sigh*
it's really nice.
satisfying.
balancing (emotionally and physically) in just one hour.

kelly tells me that we'll start slow. and there will be times when i tell him i hate him and i'm sweating and writhing in pain because of him. but today was a nice, slow start. *sigh*

as reported by the AP:

"The metal underwire in a Detroit woman's bra was credited with deflecting a bullet fired at her during a break-in at a neighbor's home. Detroit police Officer Leon Rahmaan said the 57-year-old woman apparently looked out her window Tuesday when one of three men fired the shot.

He said the slug smashed through her window pane before hitting the bra's underwire. It did not penetrate her skin.

Police said she may have gone to the window after a burglar alarm at the house next door sounded. Her neighbor was not at home at the time.

The suspects drove away after the shooting."

interesting...i wonder how effective the combination of underwire and silicone could be??

*sigh*

i commend myself for continuing to try to find *the* answer to all these cancer woes. but i'm starting to wonder how i continue to have this optimism when i seem to have the same type of experience over and over.

wednesday night i went to the lecture, "the other shoe: coping with uncertainty after cancer treatment." it was put on by the comprehensive cancer center of ucsf. i had these visions that it would solve all my angst. it was *fine* but not great. not all i hoped for. which...i'm realizing i need to pair down my hopes for *the* answer from one single source.

the problem i find is that so many people use these informational events as forums to discuss their own cancer stories. using it like a support group. and i can't handle that. it happens all.the.time. and yet each time it happens i end up being astounded. every.single.time.

so, what did i learn? be pro-active in my care ie. go to my oncologist, get mammograms, be vigilant. AND, at the same time, live in the moment and work to increase positive emotions. seek out opportunities for joy. give yourself a prescription to enjoy lunch with a friend, going to the ocean. notice the beauty. and keep a gratitude journal.

even the psychologist who presented said none of this is stuff your grandmother couldn't tell you.

speaking of whom...my grandmother recently had a medical scare. when i called her in the hospital she said she would be fine but that she was frustrated she had to stay in the hospital for a bit because she had so many plans the upcoming week that she would miss out on. my soon-to-be 89 year grandmother had two birthday parties (one a 90 minute drive from her house), one regular volunteering gig at a local battered women's shelter, and three days she normally goes to the gym. my grandmother is more active than i am. i told her that i actually need to wear a t-shirt to remind myself of "joie de vivre," the joy of living life. and here she is, no t-shirt reminding her...and she just runs around doing a million different things with such a positive attitude.

notice the beauty? my grandmother is amazing. it's beautiful to know she is almost 89 and still tells doctors she feels "ducky."

keep a gratitude journal? i'm grateful to have her blood running through my veins. i would write that in my gratitude journal if i had one.

two MORE big things...

this is what i came home to tonight:

(the note from my roommate reads...

"meghan, don't fret about your boobs! i'm sure, in time, you will make the right decision for you. hey - here are some grapefruit! enjoy!")

this is the fun we had afterwards:

two big things - both good, both hard.

yesterday i got my boob pumped up a ton. 

today i went to a memorial service for a woman from my support group. 

both hard events. both good to be a part of. very different.

so yesterday i went to meet with dr. simonds in south san francisco. (nurse cely was wearing all pink - pink pants, pink vest, pink shirt, pink hair elastic, pink socks.) he checked out how the first pump had gone then started pumping me up again. last time he had pumped in 60ml of saline. this time he pumped in another 80! i keep thinking about the number 80. and the thing that keeps rushing through my head is a part from "the princess bride," when the prince is furious with wesley so he runs into the magic tree/torture machine to "suck years" out of wesley's life. the guy screams, "not to 50!" as the prince turns the torture machine to suck 50 years from wesley's life. it's all that goes through my head when i think about this latest pump-up.

there's a lot of saline in there. 140ml. 140ml is still less than 2/3 cup. but it feels like it's about 10 cups. it's definitely stretching my skin. even stretching the scar open a little...which is disgusting. 

and i'll keep whining a little. it's totally painful this time. it hurts to sneeze again. it hurts to cough. this morning it hurt to get out of bed. and the scar stung this morning in the shower. ow.ow.ow. 

BUT. the good? i'm totally stacked (on one side). i'm definitely a B cup.

__________________________________________________________________

and then today?

today was a very different experience from yesterday. today i went to the memorial service for a woman in my support group. jane bresnick. i had been in just a few groups with her. when she was 40, she was diagnosed with stage 1 invasive duct cancer. (sound familiar?) when she was 41, she was diagnosed with a recurrence. 2 sundays ago she was fine. she was feeling tired. but she was feeling fine. by thursday she was diagnosed with leukemia. and on sunday she died. the likely culprit? the chemo that treated the breast cancer.

it was so crazy. no one expected it, not even jane. and the support group community seems to be very shaken. they have experienced a lot of deaths in the last few months. 

jane's death shook me for a few reasons. 

her first diagnosis was my diagnosis. i never believed i had cancer, right? and i don't think it ever crossed my mind that i would die. i was most scared that i would lose the functioning of my ovaries. and then i was scared to lose my hair. but i don't think my own death ever crossed my mind. with jane's death, it has. which is very scary. i have felt that feeling of helplessness again. what in the world can i do to prevent a recurrence?! exercise. eat well. drink water. take tomoxifen. and that's it? that does not seem like enough. i have this renewed anxiety. 

it has felt like a wake-up call. okay, meghan, get your ass back in gear. take your supplements. drink that green tea you said you would drink in your new year's resolution. live life fully. don't just sit around.

i talked to my oncologist about my fears. what can i DO? he said that i'm doing all i can. (grrr.) he told me about 7 years ago, a coworker of his died. and a friend and minister of his was trying to help him cope with his feelings. she told him about a cartoon she had seen. three men standing around a well. for some reason, all three men fall into the well. you see all three men screaming, freaking, falling down the well. next frame, you see them still freaking and screaming. next frame, 3 months later, they are still falling down the well, but they are having fun doing it, they are calmly falling down the well.

so. that's not actually what i was hoping for, dr. liu. i was hoping, i knew i was hoping for too much, for the thing i could do to prevent a recurrence. i wanted him to say, meghan, if you just do 180 sit-ups a day you'll be okay. meghan, if you stop drinking coffee. meghan, if you just.... 

but no. he said i need to fall gracefully.

i was disappointed. but he is so damn sweet and sincere that i couldn't be mad at him. i couldn't be mad at him for not having the answer to, "how can i prevent cancer?"

so he left the room. and i looked at the wall. and found a pamphlet for "The Cancer Survivorship Program." the lecture on tuesday? "The Other Shoe; Living with Uncertainty." the lecture at the end of april? "The Risk of Recurrence - Boosting the Odds for Breast Cancer Survival through Diet and Exercise." 

just like i did in denver, by going to lectures, workshops, and support groups, i will get through this feeling of powerlessness by learning how to survive and thrive.  both cliche and exhausting. but true.

______________________________________________________________

jane's memorial service sort of helped me to see that, too. 

jane was a kindergarten teacher at an elementary school half a block from my house. learning that made her death feel more real to me. thinking about all the kids i see walking to school. thinking about how they will experience her death.

this afternoon the school had a memorial service for her in the kindergarten playground/garden. staff talked about how important jane was to them. how much she taught them to live in the moment. how one of her favorite phrases was, 'be kind.' the kindergarteners sang a song about love growing. the fifth graders sang, "Lean on Me." and then the principal said that everyone would get to blow some bubbles. we would all think of positive thoughts to send to ms. bresnick or to friends or family. we would think of these thoughts and blow the bubbles up into the air. while we were blowing these bubbles, we would be hearing a special kind of music. a kind of music that ms. bresnick loved. she loved to travel to latin america. she loved to dance. so the music we will listen to is called salsa music. 

so here we are, maybe about 400 kids and adults, blowing bubbles into the air of a windy, sunny day in san francisco, listening to salsa music. all thinking positive thoughts for jane. it was a beautiful way to remember to "live a little bit like jane: be kind. take time. celebrate. smile."

pump, pump, pump it up.

...and he pumped and he pumped and he kept on pumping. and now i'm feeling it. 

wow. 

i'm still trying to figure out how it feels, how i can move, when it hurts, and even how it looks!

i'll do some investigating and come back to write a missive.

14 1/2 months...

...and look at my pony tail!!

even 6 weeks later...

i can still overextend myself. by walking around stow lake, doing laundry, and putting new sheets on my bed.

a date for the B

april 2nd. 11:30am.

seems VERY far away.

almost fainted again

yesterday i almost fainted thanks to surgical tape.

the surgical tape from the february 11th surgery stayed on for over a month. i liked having it there. i felt protected. i didn't really have to look at the new scar. but it finally started to come off yesterday...and i decided to pull it all off. which, of course, lead to light-headedness. i've noticed i do a good job of not breathing when things stress me out. and that's what happened yesterday.

but. in the end. i didn't faint. and my incision doesn't bother me - physically or emotionally.

what IS bothering me, though, is the surgical tape residue. how do i get this stickiness off??

AND...

in your comments, please let everyone know when the last time you did a self breast exam. it's been a loooong time since i reminded everyone.

updated list of foods to definitely buy organic

on a scale of 1-47....these 10 foods are the foods with the HIGHEST amount of PESTICIDES on them if bought/eaten non-organic.
(therefore...if you can only buy a few things organic....buy these for your health.)

1. peach
2. apple
3. bell pepper
4. celery
5. nectarine
6. strawberries
7. cherries
8. kale
9. lettuce
10. grapes

...and the list continues on:
http://www.foodnews.org/fulllist.php

addictive behaviors

i don't know...i can sort of start to relate to miss 38kkk. i can't wait for another pump up!

cleavage

hm...i wonder how appropriate it would be to put a picture of cleavage up on my blog. because. um. i actually HAVE cleavage now. i actually HAVE two boobs...well, sort of.

so...on wednesday morning i went to my appointment with dr. simonds. i was all ready to curse him out for not emailing or calling me back. but then he was so nice and so sweet that i didn't. he asked me what i wanted to do; i had two choices: to pump or not to pump because it was hurting too much. he told me it was up to me. so, i said, pump it up. in response, dr. simonds got ALL excited (smiling, pumping his fist, saying "YES!") and told me he'd be right back with "the gadget."

so cely (you might remember her the nurse who wears all one color...although wednesday she was wearing a black, white, and red ensemble) started to prep everything. then dr. simonds came in to describe everything in detail. he would first find the opening in the empty expander (that is inside of me) by placing a magnet above my surgery site. the magnet would find the opening. he would make pen marks on my chest. he would then insert a needle into the opening. this would probably not hurt. then he would start pumping saline into the expander 10ccs at a time...expecting to put in between 50 and 60ccs...until either he couldn't pump me up anymore or until it felt too uncomfortable/stretched for me to handle. then he would take out the needle, put a bandaid over it, and then, he says, i would get to go to hawaii for 3 weeks. kaiser pays. first class.

and that's exactly how it all happened. except, sadly, for the hawaii part.

i couldn't watch because i thought it would completely creep me out to basically watch a body part growing. but afterwards, i looked up. and i had a boob.

i have a boob. it's very strange.

unfortunately, i had to RUN to work. but whenever i could i just kept checking myself out...looking down my shirt...at my new cleavage. i have two boobs that are basically the same size. only one of them is filled with saline and doesn't have a nipple. otherwise...they are totally the same.

i haven't really had the guts to touch it yet. i can feel the sides of the expander...and it creeps me out for some reason. but, emotionally, it feels really good.

so now the deal is i will go back for pump-up #2 in 3-4 weeks. he will pump me up another 60ish ccs. and we'll just keep going from there. i can go bigger. i can go smaller. it's all up to me.

i have to say. i finally DO understand why they can't make the new boob the same size as the old. the smallest implant size is 100ccs. right now i have 60ccs of saline in my right boob. and it's pretty much the same size as the left. so if he put the 100cc implant in there...it would be about 40ccs bigger than the left...a significant difference.

anyway.
little by little things are looking up.
19 months after my mastectomy...i'm starting to look whole again.

grrr, dr. simonds...

he and i are in a fight.

i emailed him (like kaiser suggests) on sunday night to ask what are the criteria for me to begin the pumping up process. when i talked with him a few weeks ago about the pain i was still having, he had said that maybe the appointment for the pump up was too soon. since i'm still in pain now...i have a feeling he's not going to be able to pump me up.

so here we are...the night before my 10am appointment and he still hasn't emailed me back. which is frustrating. but it's just more frustrating tonight because if he had emailed me back saying he thought we should postpone it...i could have made an appointment with a mom i work with who's 10-year old daughter was just diagnosed with lymphoma. and i would love to be able to be there for her.

come ON, dr. simonds...

the 2 1/2 week update

ug, this has been so annoying. do you understand HOW often you use your pectoralmuscle? let me tell you. ALL THE TIME.

i've realized i haven't been extremely clear about the whole procedure of getting a new boob. there are six steps. 1) putting in an empty implant underneath my pec. 2) pumping saline into that empty implant to begin to stretch the skin. 3) pumping it up again. 4) replacing the pumped up implant with a real one, once the skin is sufficiently stretched. then at the same time they will put an implant in the other side. 5) then between 6 and 12 months after that's done, they reconstruct the nipple. 6) then, last step, they tattoo the nipple to match.

so.
step 1 has sucked.
i think it's been a combination of things.
it has been so long since i had that first surgery. the pain of that seems so far away.
and this time....all of the talk about reconstruction, fantasizing about size...it all seemed so positive and fun to talk about. the surgeons told me i'd be out of work 7-10 days. easy peasy. it seemed like nothing.

but in reality. dear lord. when someone puts something foreign underneath the pectoral muscle...it really hurts. every move i make. washing a pan. closing an umbrella. sitting up from lying down. sneezing. coughing. yawning. (sneezing killed me this morning.)

and i didn't even realize how helpful it was to have my mom here until she left. she did EVERYTHING. walked kitty. entertained kitty. made breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, coffee. covered me with blankets. arranged pillows. made my bed. did my laundry. cut my eggs and toast for me. helped wrap me up in an ace bandage. bought me a scarf, a shirt, origami paper, and swedish fish. went out to pick up my medication. implored the pharmacist. ever.y.thing.

and now i have to do all of that myself!??

and i'm just so tired of not being able to do things. i want to stretch. i want to wear all my normal clothes instead of shirts that zip or button. i want to pick up things heavier than 5 pounds. i want to sleep on my side. i want to take off this 24/7 ace bandage. i want to drive without wincing. yesterday i couldn't even play scrabble with my right hand.

but, despite feeling at the end of my rope, things do seem to be getting better. i've greatly decreased the amount of vicodin i'm taking. i wish i could keep taking it until i feel 100%. but i guess the benefit to not taking it so much is that i've really been listening to my body. i've been taking it VERY slowly this weekend.

grrr. i'm so ready for this to be over.
maybe once i start getting pumped up, and start actually seeing a new boob, things will feel worth it.
until then i plan to keep complaining.

so.so.tired

do you think my mom will come back to take care of me again?

good and bad

well. it's GOOD that i decided to take another day off from work to continue to recover.

but it's BAD that physically i felt i HAD to. :(

boo hoo.

both vaidya's cousin and dr. simonds told me the majority of people are totally fine after 7-10 days. no problem. i was thinking because i'm relatively, because i'm active and strong that i would make a miraculous recovery. 7 days. NO problem.

boo hoo.

here i am day 12. still on the couch in pain.

i had thought i'd be able to go back to work. i thought it might be a little difficult. but i thought i could do it. but today? yuck. no way. it hurts to IMAGINE riding the bus? sitting in meetings for hours? riding another bus to the other office? sitting with clients and fully paying attention to them instead of my own stinging pain? oy. i'm ready to be done with this.

ouch.

hiccups really hurt after reconstruction surgery.

i've had them off and on for 2 days.

i think i can i think i can

well, yesterday was the biggest day yet.

as a valentines day sweet treat for my mom and me, my dad gave us pedicures. so yesterday my mom and i went to the nail salon in downtown los gatos to get manicures and pedicures. it was so nice and relaxing. so nice to be pampered. and now i feel extra cute...with my "fishnet stockings red" toes.

it was a bit of a wake-up call, though. turns out i can walk about as fast as a turtle. i felt a little silly among the hustle and bustle of downtown los gatos...and here i am creeping along...barely crossing the street in enough time.

we were out for a total of 2 1/2 hours and i came home and could not keep my eyes open. i wasn't really in too much pain. but i was exhausted.

but then we were both cheered up by a visit from cassie green. cassie green who grew up on cambridge street with us. cassie green who i haven't seen in probably 20 years. cassie green who now has a beautiful 10-month old ava.

it was so nice to see her. and to find out that we're in the same profession.
it's nice to have those connections that, no matter how long you go without seeing someone, you still feel connected just cause you grew up on the same street.


and so far today?...i haven't felt any serious pain...10 days a charm?

one step forward

*breath*

okay. i actually slept through the night last night. no serious pain. and my doctor finally called me back this morning and told me that all of this is normal. he suggested a change in the way i take my meds. and it just felt so soothing to talk to him. he's such a nice guy.

so.

now that i have a new meds plan, i'm feeling much better. more relaxed. and in way less pain. i had been up to about a 7 1/2 on the pain scale. right now it feels about a 2.

and it's a beautiful day. so, day nine, things are looking up.

boring

god, it's so boring to write about pain and to be in pain. it was much more fun to write about all the good stuff. wah.

well, yesterday i spoke to an on-call surgery doc about my pain. he was dismissive. which felt really nice.
he finally listened to me and agreed to prescribe me something more powerful. so my nice mom drove to kaiser to pick up my new prescription. i took my first dose at 3:30pm. and from about 8:30-10:30pm, i was in tons of pain again. after taking my second dose at 9:30pm, i was in serious pain from 3:30-5:30am. uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

so now i'm waiting for my favorite dr. simonds to call me back. to tell me what to do. cause i'm SO.SICK. of feeling like this.

ug

i've spent the last 20 hours trying to both be able to describe my pain and will it away.
if i just don't move, don't breathe, will it go away? no.
if i take the vicodin a little before hour 4 will it go away? no.
i can't do any of my normal things to make my body feel better. no stretching. no working out. no curling up in a ball on the couch. it suckssss.

i've been in so much pain for the last 24 hours and i can't figure out why. i was finally able to take my first shower on sunday afternoon. and i'm worried that might have done me in...the rule is that i wear the tightest of tight ace bandages for 4-6 weeks. i can only take it off when i shower. and, at least to me right now, the new moral of the story is: no showers for 4-6 weeks.

ever since that shower, ever since i took off the ace bandage, i've felt this searing pain. it's not the incision site. it's the empty implant. i feel stinging all around it. and every once in a while, i feel this searing pain like a combination of hydrogen peroxide on a cut and a burning metal dowel stuck into my new breast mound. it hurts to breathe. and because it hurts to breathe, i'm all light-headed cause i'm trying not to breathe. it hurts to move. and i'm really upset about it. :(

the good news, though, is that i slept for 14 hours last night, interrupted only every 4 hours to take my vicodin.

will somebody just come deal with this for me? :)

18 hours later...

i feel like i have so much to share. where to start?

well.

i ran around like a lunatic on monday and tuesday. trying to get everything done before surgery and before taking a week and a half from work. there was so much to do. which, in a way, was good because i didn't have any time to start worrying. so tuesday night my mom flew in from colorado. we went to get thai food in the rain. and then completely passed out. although, it took me a while to pass out, actually. the anxiety did start to kick in right before bed.

then my mom and i drove to kaiser in south san francisco. got there at 930. everything was on schedule for 1130 surgery. and then...dear lord...i lay waiting in the pre-op room for FIVE HOURS. no one gave us any updates. no one really paid attention to us. i just lay there with an IV, alternately whining and complaining to my mom about how bored and starving i was - i wasn't allowed to eat anything aftermidnight the night before...so it was going on 15 hours without food or water. whining. whining. whining.

the nice part of it was that i fell in love with three anesthesiologists and, again, my surgeon. the anesthesiologist who lives two doors down from me came to introduce me to another anesthesiologist who lives across the street from us. they were so nice and entertaining. and suggested we should've just done this in our neighborhood. the surgeon commented that it might be better to have lunch in our neighborhood instead.

then about 4 hours later i met dr. kong, my own anesthesiologist who i promptly fell in love with. he was so nice and so sweet. and he totally tricked me. he was all talking to me about what kind of music i'd like to listen to in the surgery room. offered anything but rap or country. suggested they were most recently playing talking heads. i told him i thought that was great. and after that i don't remember a single thing. he totally tricked me. i had no idea he was putting me to sleep.

then i woke up to dr. simonds, my surgeon, asking me if i had read a textbook before the surgery because it was a completely textbook surgery. good line, dr. simonds.

it took me a while to wake up fully. a lot of bells and beeps telling the nurses that i wasn't breathing deep enough. vicodin for the pain. cranberry juice for the sore throat. and finally i felt well enough, alert enough to start the process of getting out of the hospital.

long story, huh?

anyway, we got home around 7pm. a full, full day. i was groggy. not in too much pain. i have a "pain booster" attached to my stomach that's regularly putting something like novocaine into the surgery site. and i'm taking vicodin every 4 hours. and antibiotics 4x a day.

it's hard to describe how i feel. weird. still sort of surreal. i am totally wrapped up in an ace bandage so i really don't know how much body looks right now. and the pain booster is doing a pretty good job. and my mom is doing a pretty good job of bringing me coffee and oatmeal and water and walking kitty and keeping me company. (i'm sure you can all imagine that as soon as i'm feeling up to it, the scrabble games will begin.)

so. that's it, i guess. we are at my apartment in sf. friday morning i have an appointment to take out the pain booster. then we'll drive down to los gatos to spend a week at my aunt and uncle's house. and my sweet, sweet friends have all made plans to come hang out with me to keep me from going out of my mind while i sit around.

so, that's it.
the next step is that in about 3 weeks the surgeon will start pumping me up. he'll pump me up every 2-3 weeks until i've reached size kkk. and then i'll be scheduled to get the final implants...probably in about...3-4 months.

so, there you go.
thank you for all your emails and calls and notes. so far, my favorite card has been from my aunt, susan: (front) "i've found a great new diet: the grapefruit diet..." (inside) "you put a couple of grapefruits in your sweater and everything seems a lot more proportional."

xoxo

love these ladies...and a hair update.

my hair has now been growing for 13 months.

size 38kkk!!!!!

28-year-old Sheyla Hershey of Brazil is the proud owner of the world's largest breasts -- with a staggering, life-threatening, and unfortunately-named bra size of 38KKK.

In May, ABC News reported that Hershey's breasts were 34 FFF after eight surgeries and one gallon of silicone. But she wasn't done yet. On her way to achieving her dream, she encountered certain roadblocks, like Texas law. The state limits the amount of silicone that one person put in their body because the implants could kill her. So she headed to Brazil, which has no such restrictions, and walked away with the breasts of her dreams.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/04/worlds-biggest-breasts-sh_n_163992.html

pre-op

today i had three appointments. with a nurse practicitioner. with an anesthesioloist. and with my surgeon. everyone's into getting me ready for wednesday.

two interesting things happened.

1) i walked into my anesthesiologist's office and the first thing she said was, "i think we live on the same block!" turns out she lives two houses down from me. and i see her and her kids and her beagle named barney all the time.

2) did i write about how my surgeon's nurse scheduled a post-surgery appointment for me on friday the 13th to take out my drain?
a drain?!?!

well. cely (pronounced see-lee) is the sweetest woman ever. she's about 4'5" and her outfits are all one color. the first time i met her everything she wore was purple...including her socks and her hair tie. today everything she wore was pink. including her socks, her hair tie, her ring, and her bracelet.

anyway.

she's so sweet. but with that one word, "drain," she incited 5 days of panic. i thought i would have another one of those horrible tube drains that i had from the mastectomy. the one that made me cry. the one that got clogged with blood and gunk. it was so gross. i seriously had 5 nights of sleeplessness thanks to one word.

so. what happened today felt like hearts and rainbows and unicorns compared to that. dr. simonds told me that i actually wouldn't have a drain. that what she'd meant was a small, small tube the size of spaghetti. this is inserted into the surgery area to supply direct pain killers...almost like novacain. and it's this little tiny noodley thing that they will take out on friday the 13th NOT some crazy gross drain filled with pus.

thank.
GOD.

i told dr. simonds that by telling me that, he'd just melted away all anxiety that i had about the surgery. he kind of looked at me like i was crazy. but he was definitely amused.

anyway, i'm all scheduled. wednesday february 11th. i already have my prescriptions of vicodin and antibiotics. all i have left to do is call the surgery-line on tuesday afternoon to find out the exact time of my surgery.

so now? now it's time for me to start packing for tahoe.
who better to hang out with the weekend before surgery than all of 1050 oak?










actually, all of 1050 minus steve slattery and the ghost.

almost there...

well, i've started to have anxiety dreams about it so i thought maybe it'd be time to put it out there on the blog.

i am officially set for the first stage of my reconstruction on wednesday february 11th. eeeeeeeek.

i have three appointments with a nurse, an anesthesiologist, and the surgeon on february 5th. to be sure that i'm prepped. then tuesday the 10th my mom will fly in from colorado. she's offered to come help me during the recovery...walking kitty, feeding me, putting puzzles together with me, driving me places...i'm sure there will be some scrabble, too...all in between house-sitting for my aunt and uncle and taking care of their dog, their cat, and my cousin's two cats. *phew* seems like a lot of work for someone who's retired!

anyway, my recovery period should be about a week to ten days. so my mom and i will stay down in los gatos for about that much time. relaxing in a beautiful house with beautiful views. trying not to move.

i still have a few questions lurking around.
last wednesday i met with my friend vaidya's cousin - who, turns out, is a breat reconstruction specialist in the east bay. i emailed with him and then he suggested i come meet with him for a consultation. he was SO sweet and spent over an hour explaining all my options.

i came away feeling, honestly, a little overwhelmed. mostly because he told me that actually he COULD probably make my new right boob as "small" as my current left. EVERYONE else has said they couldn't. so it really threw me...i had it so set in my head that the sweet boob job i was going to get was mandatory. which made it okay. but now that it doesn't seem completely mandatory...it makes the entire procedure feel more elective. i've spent a lot of time talking to friends and family about this new dilemma...but i just can't get the feeling out of my head. i KNOW i want this surgery. it just seems to bring up so many more thoughts and feelings now that i might have the option to only have surgery on one side.

*sigh*

now to try to get these thoughts out of my head so that i'll be able to sleep tonight.

another milestone

this is a totally gross sounding milestone but bear with me.

my hair started growing back about 51 weeks ago. that's not the milestone but...what has finally started happening is that i finally have long enough hair to get caught in the hair-trap in the shower. so weird but seeing that hair at the end of my shower has made me smile everyday for the last week.

it's totally the little things.

2009

i am sitting in the sun with kitty at my feet after a morning crossfit workout and breakfast with gretchen. and i am so satisfied. so satisfied with my life right now.

i've been talking a lot about the changes since last year. and i remember the one thing i was feeling last year on december 31st, 2007 was this desperation. a desperate desperation to have the year change from 2007 to 2008. i needed a new year. and this year, december 31st, 2008...i felt calm and satisfied and happy. gretchen and i broke into 2009 on the #38 bus, the driver saying something about new years with no one else really reacting. but it didn't matter to me because i just felt happy.

work is great. great kids, great families.
i love my apartment and my neighborhood and my roommates.
i love going to crossfit in the mornings - except this morning i had to use my ice scraper on the windshield.
i love being so close to some great people in my family.
and seeing great friends all the time.

it's all so.much.better.
let me repeat.
so.much.better.

:)

and i have a new boob to look forward to. it looks like february 11th might be the day.