just a few more hours...

...before i can really start to put this definitely-not-fun year behind me.
i cannot wait for 2008.
cannot wait.

it's christmas eve

it's christmas eve and i feel sentimental about our old christmas eve traditions.

we used to all trek 2 blocks to the smiths' house for dinner. for the best years, the kids were banished to the kids' table in the kitchen where everything was much more fun. we had fish chowder then graduated to lasagna. we all opened presents. we sang christmas carols while stanley played the piano. everyone involved remembers it all so fondly that it's kind of heartbreaking that we don't do it anymore. there was an exodus from salem to the west.

those were the days.

and here i am thinking a lot about this past year. god. what is there to say?

the surgery and the chemo are behind me. there are so many changes ahead. so much to think about. so much to reconsider.

what i want to say and what i want to make as clear as i possibly can is that there is no way in hell i could've gotten through this 6-month stretch without all of you. your visits. your advice. your thoughts. your prayers. asking others to pray for me. the most thoughtful packages ever. the flowers. your calls. your messages. your letters. your paintings. the advent calendar. the hair cutting. the gelato. the outpouring, as i've said before, has been completely overwhelming.

and just to know that so many of you read what i write. check all the time. think of me all the time.

i am so used to being a social worker, listening to and helping others for so much of my days. all of this help and caring and thoughtfulness and genuine genuine love just sends me over the edge into puddles of tears. in an amazing way. and as much as i've been able to communicate through this blog...i really don't think i can verbalize how important you all have been for me. for my healing. for my sanity. for everything.

so. thank you.
and merry christmas.
and i cannot wait for 2008.
it's going to be so. much. better. than 2007.

xxoo

day 6

well, i'm finally starting to feel better. i'm not too nauseous. not too tired. not too achy. and so far, the potential side effect of the neupogen shots - bone pain, hasn't hit me. so i have two more shots to go and then i'm officially done with everything related to chemo. 2 more!

the other good news is that my disability payments FINALLY went through. i've been waiting since september. and finally, with the help of my dr. and social worker, everything got figured out. even though it's not so much money, it's SUCH a relief. with my insurance payments, my medical bills - nevermind food and mortgage...it was getting pretty ridiculous.

ug.

i just did the shot in the stomach.
admittedly it was not as bad as i thought. but the build-up was horrible.

one down. four to go.

an update...day three

somehow it seems that my body has become used to chemo...or else i'm better at taking the meds.

the last two days haven't been as bad as the other rounds...not as nauseous, so far not as tired. however, i did wake up at 4 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep until 6. seems like i could thank the steroids for that.

and it does seem a little harder to down water/liquids today than it did yesterday. but i have to get down 8-10 glasses.

oh...and the shots. i've tried not to think about that part of the day yet.

hit the road jack...

okay, so i slept about 10 hours last night, i've had my anti-nausea pills, i'm trying to drink apple juice, and i think i'm ready to relate everything that happened yesterday.

so, let's see. my friends anne and moss had a baby 4 days ago. so i scheduled my pre-chemo blood test around them. i went to get the test and was told i could call in an hour for the results - the results that would tell me if my white counts were high enough to get chemo.

so i got pricked. then went over to anne and moss' to see baby tobias...so damn cute and healthy with 10 fingers and 10 toes. and this is where the emotional damn started to break loose. at their house i cried.

at my next stop at the nutritionist, i cried. although, i got some really good information about how i should take care of myself from now on. exercise is HUGE. no drinking is huge. and every day i will take a multi-vitamin, calcium, magnesium, vitamin D, fish oil, and CoQ10. colleen, the nutritionist, said that women taking tamoxifen (the drug i have to take for 5 years to prevent recurrence) are at high risk for osteoporosis - hence the calcium. she said vitamin D is good for everyone but especially good for cancer survivors - something about receptors on the cells, i can't really remember. and one of my chemo drugs, adriamycin, is very hard on the heart...so CoQ10 works to protect it. it felt really good to talk to her and, like i said, start to get back a feeling that i could take care of my body. repair, heal, take control.

after the nutritionist i finally got through to the kaiser nurses for my test results. last week my neutrophil count (part of the white blood cells) had been .9 when they are supposed to be a minimum of 1.5. yesterday the test showed they were all the way up 2.6!! (i actually didn't cry getting the results.)

my next stop was kaiser. and everyone i talked to there made me cry. the first nurse, diane, who administered the adriamycin. then i talked to the social worker, dennis, and he made me cry - telling me he was proud of me, that i was DONE, from that day on i was cancer-free. then i was still crying when the pharmacist came to talk to me about new drugs i have to take - he didn't really deal with the tears that well. and even a second nurse made me cry. then later, when i was officially done with chemo, about 7 nurses came around the chemo-chair, blowing bubbles and singing "hit the road jack and don't you come back no more!" more tears. which made my mom cry. and we made two nurses cry. so they all hugged me.

and that was it. i was done. all i had to do was pick up my prescriptions. and oh...the prescriptions...

because my white blood counts were so low last time and this time... dr. kogel prescribed me neupogen that will work on my bone marrow to help build up my white blood cells. that way i won't be as susceptible to infection. sounds great, right? right. except that neupogen comes as self-injectable SHOTS! i have to inject myself with a one-inch needle into my stomach! once a day for five days. scary, scary, scary. so. those shots are scheduled to start tomorrow. we'll just have to see how brave i can be. i recognize my bravery up until now...but injecting MYSELF with a needle in the stomach?! i don't know about that.

anyway. this morning i think i feel okay. i'm trying to drink a lot of liquid...i'm instructed to drink 8-10 glasses of water in the first two days. so much when the thought of drinking makes me shiver. i'll try to eat. and i'll rest. we'll see how it all goes.

all. done.

i am officially d-o-n-e done with chemo. i have a lot to say...but i'm exhausted.

the only two goals for tomorrow will be drinking ridiculous amounts of water and writing one blog entry all about my big day today.

to feel back in control...

...i just made an appointment to meet with the nutritionist who ran those nutrition classes. since this diagnosis and especially since i learned my chemo would be delayed, i've been feeling so out of control. i remembered the feeling i had when i went to her classes - as cheesy as it is, empowerment. and i desperately need that feeling again.

so. i'm going to meet with her on wednesday just before my scheduled chemo appointment. i feel a bit of relief.

no chemo

:(

my white cell count was too low...(.9 instead of the minimum acceptable 1.5)...i'm so so bummed.

i was so ready for this one to be the last. i was so ready to start growing my hair back. i was so ready to be closer to getting back to my normal life. and now? i'm set back by a whole week. it's only a week. but it seems to make such a difference right now.

and what's so frustrating is that there is nothing i can do to improve my white blood cell count. doesn't matter how much i sleep, what i eat, if i exercise, how stressed i am, nothing. it's just my body building them up. way to make me remember that, right now, my body doesn't feel like my own.

so now chemo is set for next wednesday. november 28th. seems like forever from now.

a kitty-focused weekend

as you can see, kitty and i had a really good weekend with my friend phil.

he came to visit for a nice 4-day weekend from boston and we spent pretty much the entire time lazing around vail watching very bad tv...even daytime tv which is pretty impressive for me. i've been home dealing with all this cancer stuff for 4 months now...and i have never watched daytime tv until now.

the other thing i did while phil was here was watch kitty fall madly in love with him. every day she would lie on top of his chest trying to lick every inch of his face.

so once again, friendships (and kitty's love for these friends) astound me. so many people have come to denver to be with me (and kitty). and it blows me away.

another change

i found out today that kaiser had weirdly scheduled me for my next chemo on two different days. one day to see the dr. - monday. one day to get the chemo - the following friday. which under normal circumstances wouldn't be so bad. but since i'm staying up in vail with my parents...driving almost two hours each way wouldn't be too much fun.

so...after talking to a nurse i finally got both appointments on the same day...wednesday...the day before thanksgiving...the original day i had been scheduled months ago. i had changed it so i could enjoy thanksgiving dinner on thanksgiving. but now patrick has to be in wyoming the day before thanksgiving...so we will have an early thanksgiving dinner anyway.

and i realized a few other things...my last entry said that i was miserable. and i hadn't given an update. now i'm feeling a lot better...it was about about 7-8 days of severe exhaustion, feeling not so great, having a bad taste in my mouth. and now that i'm about to have my very last chemo, i'm feeling more normal.

and the other thing i realized was that i hadn't written a 4 month reminder to do self breast exams! it's beyond that time of month! do those exams. remember...at first everything feels lumpy and bumpy...but, at least in my experience, once you learn how they feel you can tell when something is wrongly different. so...do them. do them. do them. please.

3 times a charm

ug.

i kept going along this chemo road thinking it was relatively easy. not too nauseous, not too tired, not too bad.

but...wow...this third treatment really has kicked me in the butt. i'm EXHAUSTED. the past few days it's been a struggle to just keep my eyes open. and now the pains are kicking in - along my shoulders, my neck, my head. ug.

this is not fun.

change of date

an unfortunate change in the last chemo treatment.

because by white blood cells were on the verge of too low this time...at the intructions of my dr., we changed the date of thelast chemo. it will be the day after thanksgiving. that way i will be able to enjoy thanksgiving dinner. and my white blood cell counts should be at a healthy level to receive the very last chemo.

it's a bit of a bummer because i was just hoping for it to be DONE. but...if i had tried to get chemo a few days before thanksgiving, it'd be very possible that i wouldn't be able to get it because of the low counts. and that would probably be more of a downer.

so. november 23rd. LAST CHEMO!

3rd one down...

only one more to go!

so...it's sort of the same old story. this chemo was sort of traumatizing, sort of normal. my parents flew in yesterday morning to be at the 3rd chemo treatment with me. i met with my dr. who said that everything seemed very good and normal, according to my blood work. the only thing that was a bit low was my white blood cell count. unfortunately there's nothing i can do to help them regenerate faster...and if they are low again, i might have to postpone the last chemo by a few days. but otherwise, she said everything was looking good.

so it took about 2 1/2 hours for the whole ordeal. lots of things to inject in me. but the nurse was super nice. and she explained everything to my parents so they would understand what toxic chemicals were being injected into their daughter.

yesterday i felt okay...a little groggy and weird from the billions of anti-nausea pills they have me take beforehand. and then we drove up to vail to stay here for a while...i hope the freezing cold fresh mountain air will be a relaxing place to rejuvenate...and meditate those white blood cells into rejuventating, too.

today i feel okay...a bit groggy, a bit nauseous, but overall okay.

so, for now, the LAST chemo is scheduled for monday november 19th. that way the nausea might be gone in time for thanksgiving dinner.

and can we talk about how cute kitty is?

has anyone ever heard of a dog trimming a human's finger nails?

well. kitty is the best.

eric was cutting his finger nails the other night and kitty seemed very interested in the process. so eric, half way done, let her check it out. and she started, very gently, to pull on a piece of his finger nail with her teeth...until a sliver of his nail came off. then she waited for him to start to cut another nail and then, again very gently, started to pull on the piece of nail with her little front teeth until the sliver of his nail came off. all proud of herself for grooming her owner.

i know many people would keep this piece of information private...but...i just think kitty is the cutest and smartest dog i've ever seen in my life.

let's talk about friendship...

i don't think anyone would ever think to define a good friend as someone who would travel two thirds of the way across the country with a ceramic 10x18 inch pan as carry-on. but i think you all might change your mind when you hear this story.

i lived at 1050 oak st in san francisco with hardy and emily for about 3 years. we established this tradition of family dinner. family dinner was always the same. homemade mac and cheese made with real vermont cheddar. i can't really describe how important family dinner was for us. it just tastes so good. it was our little tradition. hardy was always in charge of making the cheese mixture. i was always in charge of grating the cheese. somehow emily got out of most of the preparation. and we always had awesome leftovers to bring to work the next day. ti was just so good that i can't put it into words. (maybe hardy, emily, gretchen, or the miller can.)

so. fast forward 6 years.

hardy buys a ticket to come to denver from nyc to visit her friend who has cancer. she offers to make me family dinner. i cry reading her email. emily cries when hardy tells her i cried.

then hardy comes to denver. and she brings a block of vermont cheddar - because she couldn't be sure that denver would have vermont cheddar and it has to be from vermont. and she brings her own box of medium pasta shells. AND she brings her own ceramic pan...that i swear weighed 20 pounds...picture her on the subway, on the train, on the shuttle to newark, on the plane. for family dinner. for me. it's killer.

oh. and. she brought a dozen brooklyn bagels.

chemo camp

thursday october 11th was my 2nd chemo.

eric took the day off to come with me. i really wasn't looking forward to the 2nd chemo. i'd heard people say the 2nd is the worst because you already know what you're up against. and it was definitely different to know where to do, to know the set up, to recognize the nurses...but also to know what they were going to put in me and how i was going to feel...not so cool. but it was nice to have eric there.

after all of the injections we left to go pick up eric's mom, sandy, at the airport. she had planned to come stay with us for 6 days of "chemo camp." we had all this stuff planned - learning how to use the sewing machine, starting cool projects, etc. and in the end, we didn't do any of them! i don't even know how it happened. somehow we stayed busy. (i think kitty, the red sox, and football were probably the culprits.)

but the sweetest thing during sandy's visit was on monday she took me to get my very first facial at this fancy spa in cherry creek. it was 90 minutes of heaven. the woman who did the facial was so sweet. she came into the room and said she was so glad we met. her mother had breast cancer 5 years ago and her friend was diagnosed 8 months ago...she was very excited to be helping me through chemo. (it didn't hurt that she thought i was 27.)

so i lay on a comfortable massage-like table for 90 minutes while she massaged my face, my shoulders, my neck, my arms, my feet. beautifully smelling oils, calming hot towels. it was beautiful.

and the next day sandy left! i had thought 6 days would be enough time...but it turns out we didn't have any time to do all the things we'd planned for chemo camp. :(

bad blogger

i know i know.

after the last chemo i just felt pretty tired. and since then, i haven't really been able to motivate myself to put in a new entry. so. here goes. i'll go start from 2 weeks ago and go forward.

i've been remiss

another month has passed and i didn't put out a reminder to do your self breast exams.

DO THEM!

it's been 3 1/2 months since my diagnosis. you should've done 3 already!! i know it's not prevention...but it could really make a difference.

AND...

with kaiser i can look at all of my test results online.

all of my blood work from the day before chemo - white blood cells, red blood cells, calcium, everything - is absolutely normal. even for a normal person! turns out my body does know how to heal itself.

round 2

hi everyone.
thank you for all your emails, your calls, your comments in the last few days.

i am doing FINE.

yesterday was a lot less traumatizing than the first round. no tears this time. eric was with me. we had a nice nurse. it lasted about 2 and half hours. we met with the dr. who said that things, from my blood work, seem great. it seem very healthy and seem to be dealing with the chemo very well.

so. in all. it's good news.

and today i'm feeling fine. i didn't sleep as well as normal last night. and i felt a bit of weird nausea. but this morning i'm feeling good. eating. drinking tea. hanging out. i have energy. and things are good. we'll see as time progresses. but i'm really feeling pretty good.

xoxo

dread, dread, dread

but...i don't want to have my second round of chemo!

i feel so good right now. and i don't want to be nauseous. i don't want to be tired. i don't want to have a weird taste in my mouth. isn't having only one boob and no hair enough for you people?

*sigh*

i'm having the hardest time writing this next entry.

i've been thinking about it since saturday when everyone was at my house. but it's too hard. i truly don't feel that i have words to describe saturday.

i wrote a thank you to everyone that was there with me. and i said that the hair chopping experience could have been extremely messy. i have had long hair since i was...6? since then, it hasn't been shorter than my shoulders. and now? it hasn't been this short in thirty-two years. since 1975.

and...as you all know...my hair was my thing. i never dressed fancy. i never had any fancy earrings. barely makeup. my hair was enough to make me feel pretty.

so...it could've been a very traumatic, scary experience. but it wasn't. and the ONLY reason it wasn't was because my friends were there. we had so much fun. and the fact that eric, jay, and taylor all chopped their hair off, too? i mean. i just really can't even talk about it.

i was talking to taylor yesterday about our new hairdos. and i tried to thank her. she was like (all calmly), "of course...i knew it would hard for you. and i knew it would be easier if someone else was doing it with you." point blank. as if it was the easiest thought process ever.

speechless.

today was the day.

three other people chopped off their hair in solidarity - eric, taylor, and jay. moss and dave would have...but they are already bald. julie desperately wanted to...but she has a cd release party for her new album tonight! and anne's body has changed enough in the last 7 months!

as usual, the support brought me to tears.

best to use pictures...as i am completely beyond words.
there are some amazing ones on kodak gallery, click here:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=81m1vcp.cq8ial9l&x=0&y=-oh8d7v

wig store #2

this morning my friend susie and i went to the american cancer society wig room. there cancer patients can get wigs for free. and...how to describe it?

well. it was the size of a cubicle. i had pictured this beautifully big room with thousands of wigs to choose from. instead there were about 10 feet of mannequin heads covered with not the cutest wigs ever. so. we tried on a few. then we tried on a few that were stored in crates - stored by color.

and this is what we found...
don't worry...we only took the straight one home.

and what i was really waiting for...

...was the reiki.

and of course, it's the hardest to describe correctly.

so, i drove up to meriku's house. she has a beautiful little house south of boulder. a nice big backyard with a small pond with a little waterfall. it just felt like a really nice place to be.

first, meriku described reiki and what she would be doing. then i lay down on her chaise lounge, semi-seated. she started at my head and just lay her hands on the top of my head for at least a minute. then moved down to my neck, my chest, my stomach, my hips, my legs, my feet. only placing her hands...sort of like the way a masseuse would start but without the motion. just healing touch.

it was totally different than anything else i've done. and a few times i felt a sensation sort of spread through my body. once from the bottom of my spine to the top of it. another time from my hips arcing out to my shoulders. not strong sensations. but energy. or a rush. or something. obviously hard to explain.

then at the end, meriku told me her impressions of my body. she again said it felt like my body has a strong constitution. that i heal myself fast and well. she also said that she didn't feel anything bad in my body. i had told her it was hard for me to do some of the visualizations i'd tried. they tell you to visualize the cancer cells and visualize your body strongly fighting them off. i told her it was hard for me to do because i'd never truly believed that i had cancer. and now i don't believe there are any cancer cells left hiding in my body. she said that was fine...that it felt, to her, that my body was going to do okay. that i would get through this and i would be okay.

then she offered to do reiki sessions on me as often as i'd like. she said once a week, twice a week, every day if i wanted her to. and then, of course, i started crying. all this outpouring of support slays me, sends me into tears in seconds. but it's so nice. and so amazing.

wig shopping

is this the one you've all been waiting for?

well. it was insane. i have not laughed that much in months.

so. melissa and i went to this high-end wig ship in cherry creek. i sat in a salon-like chair facing a salon-like mirror while the saleswoman presented me with wigs she thought would look good. i can't even really describe it. and i'm really sorry we didn't bring a camera.

the idea of a wig was really hard to get used to in the first place. so having a strange thing like that on my head was totally weird. but then...it wasn't the hair part of the wig. the hair - both fake and real - was fine looking. the problem i had was the style of the wig. every single wig she put on me made me feel like i got a new job as a news anchorwoman. every single hair style. it actually made me question my own choice of "hair style." because i think that was the problem with these. if i was the type of woman who actually styled her hair...i would've been fine with these wig choices. but because i let my hair air dry and it goes whatever way it wants...

it was sort of like when i went to the junior prom with gabriel frasca. my mom thought it would be a nice idea for me to have my hair done, it being my first-ever prom. so the hairdresser set about putting curlers in my hair. and ended up boofing it up a few inches into a barrette. being the dramatic 14 year old that i was...i left the salon in tears. leaving my mom to deal with the hairdresser. so...anyway...any normal person who styled their hair would've loved the boof. but me? in tears.

luckily yesterday there were no tears. only complete laughter. to the point that i think it might have been inappropriate. but. whatever. instead i bought 2 scarves...that are totally fine.

i sort of look like milli vanilli.

either that or that i'm about to clean the house. but. that's fine, too. i probably should clean the house more often.

yoga for cancer patients

there's so much to talk about from yesterday that i had to break it down into manageable sections.

free iyengar yoga class for cancer patients.
about 10 students. about half the class was made up of women currently in treatment - recent surgery, chemo, radiation. the other half the class? the other half of the class was made up of women who have been cancer free for 3 years, 5 years, 7 years. and i'm struggling with that. the class description clearly states patients not survivors. maybe it is up to the individual to label themselves. but it was definitely a little surprising.

and beyond that. all of the yoga classes i have been to have been very quiet. this one? very loud. a few women were making fun of the instructor's word choices. the same women were groaning loudly when we did a pose that was difficult for them. laughing. etc. which...is fine. but...so not a normal yoga class. and the women that were doing all of that were the ones who i would label survivors not patients. i feel weird complaining...but...it was definitely different than i expected. it was bordering on social time for cancer survivors...or almost a support group.

so. i will try it again. maybe i just got the one joking class.
it's free.
and i did feel better after the class.
but i haven't fallen in love which is too bad.

oh! but the really good news is that, at the end of the class, the instructor told everyone that there had been an anonymous donation to the studio for all the people participating in the class to have free massages!

physically

so physically...i have a feeling my white blood cell count is relatively low.

i have a swollen gland in my throat. and a cut on my finger is taking a long time to heal up. and...the hair keeps coming. luckily i had SO much hair before that a normal person couldn't tell. but. it's definitely getting thinner up there.

today is going to be big

i think today will exhaust me. but all in good ways.

at 1:00 i am going to try out a free yoga class for cancer patients at a yoga studio near my house.

then at 3:30 i'm going to go wig and scarf shopping with my friend melissa.

then at 6:00 i'm going to have my first ever reiki session. one of eric's coworkers is trained in reiki (pronouced RAY-key, also known as healing touch) and she wants to help me heal my body. reiki has been described to me as having the same goals as acupuncture. both believe in the chi as the life force moving through your body. what happens when someone is sick or needs healing is that something is messed up in the way the life force is traveling through their body. so the healing touch can feel this energy, assess it, and try to help it move in the right way. at least that's as far as i understand it now.

so, today, meriku (eric's coworker) is going to try it on me for the first time. she told me that she's been doing long distance reiki on me for a while now. apparently with long distance reiki, you can focus on a specific someone and send them healing energy. meriku said from what she's done so far, she feels that i have a strong constitution. that my body is very good at healing. she also said that on monday she was doing a long distance reiki session with me about my hair...telling me that hair has karmic energy in it and sometimes it's good to get rid of it all to start fresh. she had this session with me the morning my hair started falling out. apparently a lot of people who do reiki tend to be extremely intuitive.

anyway. i'm very excited for today. should be a healing, informative, good day.

(and yes, my hair continues to fall out in the shower. and i continue to freak out. and i continue to be in a bit of denial even though i'm going wig shopping.)

shit, shit, shit

i think the hair loss is starting to happen.

my friend melissa, who had to have chemo 7 years ago, described the hair loss to me. she said that there's always a normal level of hair that comes out in the shower. but with chemo hair loss...you know...there's a lot more hair in the shower. and today...i think today's the day. there was a LOT of hair in the shower. :(

a lot of people have been asking...

what do i do about work while going through chemo treatments?

well. many people maintain a job through chemo. they often have take off a few days around their treatments. they often are pretty exhausted at work. but many people do it.

i was supposed to have started at a new elementary school on august 20th. when i talked to my doctor about working...she was worried about working at a school that was new to me. often starting at a new school, new staff (with normal immune systems) are sick on and off for the entire year...getting used to the new strains and germs in the environment. my doctor was particularly concerned about me starting at a new elementary school with germy little 5 year olds crawling all over me.

when you do chemo it kills all cells that are rapidly dividing in your body...the cancer cells, your hair, and it messes with the red and white blood cells. that's why people on chemo are so susceptible to getting sick because the white blood cells are often super super low. so my doctor recommended not working for the three months that i'm going through my chemo treatments. she also recommended trying to avoid places with a lot of people where i could potentially catch something. if your white or red blood cell counts are too low you often have to postpone your chemo treatment until your counts are back up to a healthier level. so...in a protective attempt to avoid all of that...my dr. recommended not working.

so. it's weird. in one way it's definitely a relief. i can't imagine going through all of this at the same time i was learning the ropes of a new school, new kids, new families, new coworkers, new schedules. starting at a new school with hair. then losing my hair. and being so nervous about my immune system. but it's also very weird not working at all. i guess everything that's happened since july has required a lot of adjustments.

nutrition

so...on tuesday i went to a nutrition class through the university of colorado. and i am pumped.

for the last 2-3 months i've been feeling like this life is not my own. my body is not my own. doctors tell me what i need to do. chop something off. put chemicals in. and each of those solutions have their effects on my body...good but also bad. permanent scars. temporary side effects.

so when my neighbor told me he'd found a free nutrition class for breast cancer patients? i literally can't even tell you. i felt like i'd won the lottery. i'm not kidding.

so i went to the class. there were about 8-10 other people there. the woman leading the class was a nutritionist who specializes in cancer patients. and she talked for two hours straight. it was a little overwhelming and i'm still trying to go over all the information. but, in the end,it was completely helpful and inspiring. and what was really nice was that she had all this research specific to cancer patients that she used to back up her suggestions.

#1. exercise, exercise, exercise.
there have been all these studies that show that exercise is the absolute best thing you can do for your body. to help prevent cancer. i know everyone knows it's good for you...but the studies she cited were amazing. exercising only 30 minutes a day decreases rates of heart disease, osteoporosis, strokes, and cancer by 20-50%. just walking 3-5 hours a week decreased recurrence rates by HALF.

#2. drink green tea.
drinking 3 cups a day lowered recurrence rates of stage 1 and 2 cancer by 30-40%.

#3. talk with your dr. about your levels of vitamin d and calcium.
the nutritionist said that vitamin d is the new folic acid. in the 70's people were singing the praises of folic acid. and now they are finding that vitamin d has some similar very strong helpful properties.

#4. be careful with alcohol.
in people who have this bad breast cancer gene, one drink per day increased their risk of developing breast cancer by 10%. two drinks - 20%. etc. so...be careful.

#5. drink and eat organic dairy products.
so important. and so important for kids. there are so many hormones in non-organic dairy products...and it's doing a lot to mess with kids' bodies early.

there was a lot of other information in the class. most of it was very specfic to prevention of recurrence of breast cancer. but the moral of the story is...exercise, eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, keep a healthy body weight. like my friend phil has said, people shouldn't all freak out to follow every single one of these suggestions exactly. sometimes cancer just happens. but what i felt really good about in this class was that i finally felt like i had some control. i felt like i could do something to make a big difference in my body. and it wasn't just making the decision to get chemo intravenously. there were things i could do that felt more comfortable and known to me.

so. wrapped in my 'hello kitty' robe, i can feel a little more in control. it's nice.

how can i not be cheerful...

...in my new 'hello kitty' robe?

up and down

well...this weekend has been a bit of a rollercoaster.

yesterday i felt so run down. it's really hard to describe...but i felt like my muscles had been turned into tubes...tubes that mushed and hurt and ached all over. and the aching didn't subside with massages or stretching or anything. it was just a weird pain in my sides and where a shirt collar would be and around my sinuses.

today i feel better. today the pain isn't as pronounced. but i'm pretty foggy. and i had a nice headache earlier.

all of this is just so unsettling. i try to anticipate how i'm going to feel. and a lot of the feelings in my body are new...and odd...and so it just amplifies an alien-like feeling. which is totally unsettling and hard.

*sigh*

and today?

...i'm still okay. :)

i've been eating and drinking and walking and resting.

i also spent a good part of the day talking to my neighbor who was diagnosed with myeloma just over a year ago. he gave me lots of suggestions...mostly things he wished he'd known as he was entering treatment. he said the things that have been most important to him have been nutrition and physical therapy - and he gave me all these different resources to pursue. which should be good.

and as soon as my new fancy pants ipod finishes syncing i will try, for the first time, some meditation specifically for cancer patients and chemo - recommended by a good friend of my brother's.

so...i'm still trying to think positively. still trying to eat and drink well. still trying to help my body through this.

thank you for all your sweet words. they really are so helpful. xo

still okay

today i am still okay.

last night was a little hard. i was instructed to take my meds every 6-8 hours. turns out every 6 hours is better than waiting every 7 hours. at the 7th hour...i was out. not the biggest bout of nausea. but it was enough to make me not want to eat. or to really do anything actually. so i lay around for about an hour, trying to take a few bites of saltines, trying to drink some water. and then once i recovered, i slept like a baby for about 7 hours.

and this morning i took all of my meds. drank water. ate oatmeal. and i'm doing okay.

and the thing that really sent me over the edge into a better recovery state of mind? a beautiful package in the mail from lia. i'm not one to rattle off all the contents of the packages i've received. but there are some that just...some that just warrant it.

lia salza, now lia salza goldstein, and i have been friends since 1981. we went through glen urquhart together. we went onto high school together. i spent hours and days and weeks at her house. i remember reading all the "value of kindness" books at her house. her mother took a bunch of us to experience the AIDS quilt for the first time. we took the train to each other's houses all the time. lia, as mentioned in previous postings, was the mastermind behind the timeless game, 'which do you like bettah?' we talked on the phone nonstop. and one thing we did for each other...i don't even know how it started...we made homemade advent calendars for each other. all very time consuming. all extremely hilarious in our own private way. not just celebrating the advent of christmas...but any month we were inspired.

and what comes in the mail today? a massive package from DC. from lia. a homemade advent calendar. with a door for every week of my chemo. and inside the first door? a tealight candle with a saying taped around the edge. 'if grief or anger arises, let there be grief or anger. it is the universe offering all things to awaken and open our heart.' the project of making the calendar must've taken forever. (see above picture.) and lia's going to give birth any second now.

i just had to make a big show of it. it's awesome.

it means so much to me to have everyone thinking of me. to hear everyone's phone messages. to read everyone's cards and emails. the packages of knitting projects. the cookies. the paintings. the books. the packages with soaps and candy and magazines. the gelato. the visits. it's, as i've said before, pretty overwhelming. and amazing. i feel so much love surrounding me. just like a massive forcefield of hugs.

xo

1st chemo

well.

the first one is done. and i'm okay.

the process took about 3 hours. the nurse seemed like it was her second time doing all of this. the nurse told me i should make a point to drink more liquids because a good vein was hard to find. then she pumped me with saline. then with an anti-nausea drug. then with adriamycin - also known as the red devil because it is red. then with cyclo something.

i'm pretty foggy right now. the nurse said it's likely the effects of the anti-nausea. i was trying to tell patrick a story...and i just stopped, totally unsure where i was going with it. that actually is normal for me. but it was even worse. so for those of you who aren't here...you're probably lucky.

so now patrick and i are home. i'm armed with a beautiful aluminum water bottle. i'm also armed with three types of anti-nausea drugs. one of which cost $100 PER PILL - and i got 2 for 50%. lucky duck.

and i think i will take a little nap now. today has been a rather big day.
thank you all for your emails, comments, and text messages of love.
xo

obsessing about something besides tomorrow

so in preparation for tomorrow morning, i did some research into environmental links to breast cancer. i dread the coming of tomorrow. so i hope some of these ideas will stick with some of you...and hopefully you won't have to go through what i'm about to go through.

okay. here's the deal. i am going to make a cheat sheet for all of you. it will be a cheat sheet to work on avoiding some of the environmental toxins that are showing to cause/help breast cancer along. do as much as you can.

1. don't smoke
2. eat organically grown foods as much as financially possible
3. do not microwave food in plastic containers
4. if you drink water from plastic bottles, do not drink water from warm bottles
5. avoid beauty products that contain parabens or phthalates - esp. hair products
6. avoid deodorant with aluminum
7. avoid cleaning products with alkylphenols - like octyphenol, nonylphenol
(and air out your house as often as possible, open windows and doors)
8. try killing weeds with boiling water, vinegar, or alcohol
9. especially in adolescence, avoid use of fragrances
10. especially for kids, try to buy organic apple juice

because organic foods are so much more expensive...i wanted to also give you a list of fruits and vegetables that tend to have the highest amounts of pesticides in them when grown nonorganically. it's important, then, to buy these items organic if possible:

1. peaches
2. apples
3. pears
4. winter squash
5. green beans
6. grapes
7. strawberries
8. raspberries
9. spinach
10. potatoes

so.
it can feel overwhelming to really think about all of this, to really learn about it.
but i hope that these lists make it a little easier.
maybe just make a goal of making 3 little changes to your lives based on this information.
in honor of me?

resources:
http://erbc.vassar.edu
http://www.checnet.org/healthehouse/education/index.asp

here we go

this morning i had to go to a pre-chemo class at kaiser.

not only was it relatively unhelpful (because the nurse had told me the majority of the stuff already) but it was also completely depressing. i walked into the class a little late and i felt like i was walking into a movie screening at a retirement home. i mean...not that i would hope that everyone would be young...but it just made me feel so out of place.

in non-cancer related news

kitty learned how to swim yesterday!

eric and the band were up in the mountains this weekend. so kitty and i drove up yesterday to spend the day with them. we picked up eric and drove to dillon reservoir...it wasn't the ocean...but it's so big and it has sailboats on it and waves...that, if i closed my eyes half way so i couldn't see the other side, i could almost trick myself into believing it was the ocean...

so we hung out, had breakfast, walked around the lake. and then eric decided it was time kitty learned how to swim. she loves the water. she jumps in and out of the creeks and canals around denver. she laps up the water - all excited. but she never gets deeper than somewhere between her "knee" and her "shoulder." so...eric brought her out to the dock - about 15 feet from shore - and threw her in. it was a little traumatic for me, kitty's mom. but after she popped back to the top, she came swimming directly for me. it was very, very, very cute. although...of course, because everything she does is very cute.

and then, for good measure, eric coaxed her onto the dock again and threw her in a second time. again, with the cuteness, swimming toward me and the shore. and although she didn't run back to greet eric on the dock for a third go around...she still loves him.

more getting prepared

today i got injected with more radioactive dye, waited in a f-f-freezing cold waiting room, and then lay around while a massive machine took pictures of my heart. awesome. and i already got the results back...everything (physically) in my heart is a-okay.

and then i went up to the oncology department to check in with the oncology social worker. the best thing is that because he is based in oncology and not the mental health services department...he's free! he was very good to talk to. and he has a daughter named meghan. so there's that. and it's nice to be on the receiving end of social work. maybe everyone should be talking to a social worker and doing self breast exams constantly.

so.
monday morning i go back to the oncology department to watch a video on what to expect during chemo. then all day long my brother drives down here from montana. :)

then tuesday. tuesday's big. 8am.

the social worker told me a bit more about what i could expect...based on typical people. he said the first 3-5 days after chemo you are amped up on steroids. the next 5 days you plummet...he kept making an unsettling hand gesture like a very steep roller coaster fall. you fall into ridiculously extreme fatigue. he said it's not like your typical hard-day-at-the-office fatigue. it's often like you just can't get out of bed fatigue. and then you start to come out of that...and then you start to feel much much better. your best days are your days right before your next injection.

so...there's that to look forward to, i guess.
i'm psyched.

getting prepared

just like before surgery, there is so much to do before chemo!

they highly recommend getting your teeth cleaned before chemo because once you start chemo you can't go to the dentist - for risk of infection. so. i made an appointment and went in yesterday. it was great...just what i want to be doing is hearing scraping, scratching, pulling of the dentist's office. but...it ended up being an awesome experience.

my dentist came in. asked me about my medical issues. i told him the c-word. he said...oh...uh...my cousin has cancer. not breast cancer. but bladder cancer. (end of conversation.)

but then the dental hygenist came in. she said, hi, i've had chemo, too. she told me had ONE YEAR of radiation and A YEAR AND A HALF of chemo. insane. i asked her for tips for getting through it...even though hers was so much more intense. she had the coolest ideas. she suggested going to get paint and huge pieces of paper. even though she never did before, she painted every single day. painted out her emotions so they wouldn't become toxic inside of her. she also created a cement box where she would keep glass bottles. on days that she got really angry, she would break the bottles inside the box, then paint about it, then laugh about it. she also suggested writing down bad thoughts, sad thoughts and putting them inside a jar and sticking the jar in the freezer - so you knew where they were, but so they were sealed up and away from you.

she had the best energy. she was so sweet. and her ideas were so cool.
i'm really glad i went to the dentist. but how come hygenists are ALWAYS cooler than the dentist themselves?
________________________________________________

and so today to get prepared i am going to have a heart test. that takes an hour. my new oncologist said that she's more neurotic than the old one...so she'd just like to make sure my heart is working perfectly before pumping nasty chemicals into it. and then i get to meet with the oncology social worker - to check in about how i'm handling all of this.

should be good.

more of an explanation

it's true that a score of 17 still puts me in the low-risk category.

the problem is that i'm 32. (here we go again...it's as if being 32 and having small boobs is the worst thing in the world.)

the test was developed using people who typically have breast cancer. less than 10% of the people in the original research were under 40. therefore, people/oncologists are very scared about putting all their eggs into the oncotype dx basket for me. so two of the three oncologists who consulted about my case said they would feel comfortable not giving me chemo if my score was significantly less than 10. 17 is definitely not significantly less than 10.

the good news...as if there feels like there can be good news...is that i am still technically in the low-risk group. so, as my cousin steve says, that meas 17 is a pretty good number in terms of my overall outlook whichever treatment i elect.

but it's still completely traumatizing. to lose my hair. to be nauseous. to have low energy. to feel unsure about going out in public. to feel neurotic about taking my temperature - always needing it to be less than 100. to worry about chemo's effect on my heart, my lungs, my ovaries.

talk about being 32. this is too much for a 32 year old to handle.

and the magic number is...

...17.

thanks for nothing, oncotype dx.
chemo starts tuesday.
:(

tomorrow is the day

please only think of really low numbers - like 1.

it's that time of the month again...

okay, i hate to sound like a broken record but...

come on, ladies, time for the monthly reminder to do your self breast exams.
it's been two months since i received my diagnosis.
by now you should have all done at least two exams.
(i realize many of you have already done about 60.)

important things to remember:
1) best time to do them is a few days after your period
2) important to look in the mirror for changes
3) important to choose a technique that works for you - circular, lines, wedges
4) you're looking for changes. if you're not sure, make an appointment with your dr.
5) DO THEM EVERY MONTH. it's not prevention.
but it could potentially save your life if you catch it early.
6) i'm serious about this.

here's a new link for some variety:
http://www.acog.org/publications/patient_education/bp145.cfm

waiting.

so this test supposedly takes 10-14 business days.
as of today there have been 10 business days of waiting.
the first 9 were okay.
now i'm just getting annoyed.

eric says...

...that i should be more true in my blog. that i should include day-to-day blunders, events. that i shouldn't censor. so i thought you all might enjoy this story from last week.

i made an appointment at nordstrom to go get a breast prosthethis. kaiser suggests getting one at least one month after your surgery so you have healed up. so one month and 2 days after surgery, i went to nordstrom to meet with adriana - the certified breast prosthethis and bra-fitter.

it. was. horrible.

i sat waiting for about 25 minutes while 2 young large-breasted teenagers bought bras with their moms. one of them purchased 3 bras for $150 and complained to her mom there was no way she would ever wear a beige-colored bra (acting like it was the grossest thing she could ever imagine), only under a sweatshirt or something. it was depressing to wait and watch everyone with two normal breasts buy all the bras they could get their hands on. i'd felt depressed before. but there was something about being in a nordstrom lingerie department that sent me over the edge.

so then adriana could finally fit me. she brought me in. was very professional. helped me find the perfect bras. showed me the basics of breast prosthethes. i sort of shivered when i looked at it - all squishy and fake. and then she told me that (here we go again) they don't normally stock the smallest size that i would need. so i would have to wait 5 days for her to get it in. and here i was expecting to be fitted and sent home with a brand new breast that would make me feel normal again. no way, honey. you're going home the way you came in. one boob only.

so that was depressing.

and then a few days later, my boyfriend came to the rescue. i woke up still cranky. i tried to get dressed for our hike. but i just started to stomp around all bummed that i wasn't going to look remotely cute in anything. that i would continue to have to wear an open button-down shirt to hide my one-sidedness. cranky cranky cranky. and then eric (like a true prince) said...why don't you try one of your own bras?

hm. hadn't thought of that. everyone had been talking about all the resources available to me - wigs, prosthethes, support groups, whathaveyou...that i'd forgotten that i might have the resources myself.

and with that...problem solved. because i am so small-chested i can get away with a nice push-up bra with only one side filled. and no one would know the difference. it's miraculous. and now i can walk around feeling normal again. in all the old shirts i used to wear before the mastectomy. no layered look. just one t-shirt.

moral of the story?
simple solutions are readily available. as long as someone else is looking for them.

alright, alright, alright...

so i'm hearing that people start to get a little crazy when i don't write for a while...

it's hard because compared to the diagnosis, the surgery, and the oncology appointments...it feels like there's nothing going on. i'm sitting and waiting for the results of the test. (holding my breath for a LOW score.)

what have i been doing?

well, kitty and i hang out ALL the time.
i've been emailing like crazy with all of my friends who are pregnant and due either yesterday or in the next few months.
and i've been researching the oncotype dx test and my options after that, providing my score is low.

my cousin laurie's husband, steve (mentioned last post) is a big wig oncology guy. :) so i've been talking to him about all the possible options. (it's been such a big help...i can't even tell you. to have someone in the family going to bat for me? compared to the oncologist who didn't even want to answer my simple questions? it's amazing.) steve used a connection he has to one of the top breast oncologists in the world - a dr. at dana farber cancer institute.

(which do you like bettah: dana fahbah oah kaisah?)

in talking with steve, it seems like if i get a low score on the oncotype dx test, i have a few different options: 1) stay with kaiser in denver and take tamoxifen, 2) get a consult with the dr. at dana farber, 3) potentially get involved in a clinical trial that is related to the dr. at dana farber.

the clinical trial idea is actually, at this point, the most intriguing to me. it may be because i haven't been able to use my social work skills in the last few months...and that i'm jonesing for a way to make a difference. it also may be that i've just been reading a lot about how there is so little research on younger women with breast cancer. if i could take this crappy experience to potentially help other people in the future...that might be a really good thing.

BUT.
i'm NOT getting my hopes up. there is still the full possibility that i will have to do chemo.
but it's all about waiting right now. waiting another week or two for the test results to come back.

until then i will keep hanging out with kitty, keep emailing pregnant ladies, and pick up my friend jessica at the denver international airport on friday. not too bad, right?
xo

the latest

so...i did not start chemo on monday.

it turns out that i just didn't feel comfortable enough with the oncologist's advice. she was all about getting rid of the cancer. obviously. and had less focus on my actually life. if that makes sense.

so instead, i asked for the Oncotype Dx test. the test results come back in 2-3 weeks and will tell me whether i'm in the low, medium, or high risk group. if i am in the low risk group it means that chemo will basically have no effect beyond the 5 years of tamoxifen.

my current oncologist refuses to treat me any other way besides chemo - all because of my age. by asking for the test, her nurse said, i was asking for a second opinion. so. now i'm scheduled to have a second opinion with another kaiser oncologist who is really good friends with my gynecologist. and my gynecologist is one of the nicest people in the world. so hopefully i'll connect better with her friend than my current oncologist. that is scheduled for the 11th of september.

it's also possible that i will get another opinion from a dr. outside of kaiser.

so. that's that.
i can't remember being on such a roller coaster as i've been on in the last 7 weeks. but hopefully the information from the test will be helpful in making a very informed decision. (AND i just found out that my cousin's husband is a phd in cancer research at one of the leading oncology drug companies. who knew?!)

a message from my brother

patrick is back from the artic cirle and spent the past weekend here with us. he asked me to post this to everyone. it's been really important for him that all of you have been such serious help for me:

dear family and friends and of course meggy,
i had the pleasure of spending the weekend with meg and mom and dad after way too much time away. it was so great to be able to see her and talk to her and get a vetter understanding of all that has happened while i was away swatting mosquitos in alaska. i was and am super impressed with how she is doing and just seems to be taking all of this crazy stuff with style, grace, and composure. she has a great sense of humor about it all and was able to laugh about many of the harsh realities of cancer. i feel so lucky to have such an awesome sister. and thank you all for providing so much support, insight and love for such a hard disease.

probably not starting chemo tomorrow...

all these decisions are messing with me.

but...it seems that i will not start chemo tomorrow morning.

i spoke with sandra, the nurse from the non-profit, on saturday.
she spoke with 3 of the most respected medical oncologists in colorado on my behalf. all of them agreed that it would be helpful for me to get an Oncotype Dx test...a test on my tumor that will give the oncologist information on how helpful chemo will be for me beyond taking the tamoxifen alone. (review: tamoxifen is the drug i will take for 5 years to starve any cancer cells of estrogen.)

the 3 oncologists said that if i score in the low-risk category, they would consider no chemo for me.

the part of all of this that is a little scary is that my current oncologist does not trust this test yet. supposedly it has only been available to the public for 3 years. and she doesn't trust it for me because it wasn't originally tested on 32 year olds. she said that even if i did get a low score, she would want to give me chemo anyway. for her, my age is the kicker. i have too many years to live to risk going without chemo.

but. the other oncologists believe it would be a good tool for me to use to make an informed decision about accepting or not accepting chemo.

i'm stressed because i don't really like the idea of more waiting. the test results take a few weeks to come back. but. i guess it's better to have as much possible information as possible.

which do you like bettah: waiting or possibly not having to lose hair and my ability to have children?
*sigh*

i'll keep you posted.

just so you know i haven't fallen off the planet...

i've been driving myself crazy doing research and trying to make plans.

i've been talking to people of differing roles in the medical system to see about the possibility of a second opinion - just in case. i've talked with nurses, social workers, friends, neighbors to see what they think and what connections they have.

i've had to figure out how to get a wig - if i choose. patrick suggests getting a mullet wig. my friend phil suggests a metallic pink one. there are ones made of my own hair. used ones from the american cancer society. who knew there were SO many wig stores in denver and online?

i've had to figure out new bras and prosthethis - if i choose. so i can actually start to feel a little more like myself again.

and now i need to work on insurance issues. how much they cover, when, what, etc.

it's amazing how much i've been forced to learn and understand in the last 6 weeks.

oncologist

dr. says chemo.

basically she said there's not a chance in hell she'd not do it. for me. regardless of the small tumor. regardless of the clear lymph node. regardless of the good margins or the ER/PR positive-ness of the tumor. it's all about my age. 32. being young gives me so many years for the cancer to possibly come back somewhere else. if i were 50 or 75 it would be a different story. but i'm 32. and that scares everyone.

so.
i'm still processing. but i wanted to be able to let people know as soon as i could wipe the tears from my eyes.
it'd be once every 3 weeks for 12 weeks. i could start as early as next monday. and be done before halloween.

i'm freaking out. but. eric and i have talked a lot in the last 5 hours. and...it'll be a few months of a really shitty time. and then by all accounts, i'll be "cured." basically it's a big huge game of "which do you like better?"

way back in high school, my best friend lia salza was on the T in boston. she heard these kids playing this game basically rating all the cities around boston...which is now called, "which do you like better?" it went like this:

kid 1 (in boston accent): which do you like bettah malden oah melrose?
kid 2 (in boston accent): malden.
kid 1: okay, which do you like bettah malden oah billerica?
kid 2: billerica
kid 1: alright, which do you like bettah billerica oah dorchester?

and on and on and on using different cities and towns around the boston area.

since then it's evolved beyond just cities to include old local favorites like paperama, lechmere, white hen pantry, etc.
the possibilities are really endless.

lately, it's evolved to include...which do you like better...commuting in really bad traffic or breast cancer?

today, it seems to have evolved to...which do you like better...losing your hair or dying of cancer?

maybe this is game that's only fun for people who've lived in the boston area or for people who have a sick sense of humor. but. it's getting me through the day. so that's something.

some of the benefits of a cancer diagnosis

- people take me out to breakfast, lunch, and dinner
- people send beautiful flowers
- people send the most amazing packages (knitting patterns, books, cookies, dvds,
US Weeklys, coffee, swedish fish, quilts)
- people send the most thoughtful, eloquently written cards
- people visit from 6 to 100 to 800 to 1000 miles away
- people leave voicemail messages all the time - with words of love, encouragement,
or just details of their day
- friends of eric's call just to check on me - from boulder, from germany,
from carolina
- people i've never met check the blog every day
- my dad mows our lawn with a 30 year old lawnmower, fixes the bath tub drain,
and washes dishes
- my mom walks our dog, vacuums, and buys me pocketed shirts to disguise my
current one-sidedness
- my brother calls from the arctic circle
- my extended family feels closer and less "extended"
- people come out of the woodwork...from 2nd grade, from 6th grade, from high
school, from college, from across the street
- nurses give me their home numbers

i can't really find the words to say how much it all means to me.
i mean...it's pretty remarkable. and wonderful. and mind blowing.

and, at the same time, shouldn't we be doing things like this for each other every day just because?
xo

29 years and counting

my friend caroline left this morning at 6:00...supershuttle took an hour and a half to get the airport - normally just over a half hour drive. but that was nothing compared to caroline's epic 14+ hour drive from missoula, mt to denver. talk about dedication.

caroline and i grew up together. we had matching bikes. we played frogger. we tried to suntan our pale bodies in her front yard - flipping over every 15 minutes. we had family vacations together catching frogs. she introduced me to neil young and 'the wall.' we spent hours in the used record store. and 3 years ago, i was her maid of honor at her wedding in MT.

and tuesday she drove what felt like a billion hours to help take care of me...i think her travel time was longer than the actual time she was in denver!

man, having breast cancer might just be worth it! :P

have you done your self breast exam this month?

alright ladies...it's been one month since i found out that i have breast cancer. have you done a self breast exam in the last 30 days?

just in case you need a refresher...here are very clear instructions from the american cancer society:
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/cri/content/cri_2_6x_how_to_perform_a_breast_self_exam_5.asp

please do it.

in other news...

my friend riki just left to go back to san diego. and i'm s-a-d.

it was so so nice to have her here. to have a partner in crime to eat pounds of swedish fish with me. to eat peanut butter filled pretzels with me. to watch movies and bad tv with me. to have someone drive me around. especially to have someone drive me to dinner - courtesy of her mom. and to have an old old friend look at my scar and tell me there was something strangely beautiful about it. xoxo

eric will be back tomorrow from the singer family reunion in nj.

and then caroline will be here tuesday from montana...there's so little time to be lonely! things are looking good.

but until then, i'm feeling a little depressed about riki leaving.
i guess i should snuggle up with kitty and distract myself with harry potter.

get out of my boob?

hmm.
i wonder if i should rename my blog.
i wanted the cancer out of my boob. but...instead my boob got out of my body.

post-op appt

i just came back from my post-op appointment with dr. haun. and all the good news was confirmed.

healing very well.
no malignant cells in the lymph node.
well-defined margins.
officially classified as grade 1.
estrogen-progesterone receptor positive - which, remember, is a good positive.

with all of this good news definite, dr. haun cautiously said that she doesn't think i'll need radiation. she cautiously said it looked like i might not even need chemo...BUT that i should wait for my appointment with dr. azar (oncologist) for final determination. (oncology appointment is set for monday august 13th.)

she said i can even use deodorant and shave now! thank god! i was beginning to feel like a mountain man.

can't get it out of my head

google map "noorvik, alaska." follow the river east until it stops. that is where my brother has been since all of this drama about breast cancer. he's been canoeing down that river, paralleling the artic circle, leading a group of NOLS students with one other instructor.

luckily i was able to contact him before he was out of range and i could tell him exactly what was going on and when. so prior to leaving on the trip, he asked for permission to use the NOLS satellite phone to call me a few times during his trip to make sure i was okay. we also have the luxury to text him on this phone, 145 characters worth.

he has called me three times since he left. the conversations are as clear as if he's in the next room. last night he called me and told me it was really good to talk to me and hear i'm okay. he had had a major scare that day. he and the students were canoeing in the middle of NOWHERE when a helicopter appeared. the helicopter saw them, hovered for a bit, then landed very close to where they were. patrick assumed the helicopter was there to bring in another instructor to relieve him, to bring him to the nearest airport because something very bad had happened to me.

i can't imagine that panic.

it took a few minutes for patrick to realize the helicopter was not for him. but he couldn't shake that bad feeling until we talked last night.

this whole experience has been quite ridiculous and surreal - for me, for family, for friends. but i can't imagine what it must be like for patrick. in the middle of nowhere. only allowed to use a satellite phone 4 times in 6 weeks to check on his sister who just found out she has breast cancer...

only because it's been a few days...

having this blog is a little stressful.
what do i write when there's no new news?

yesterday was my first day without attendants since the surgery. eric went to work and my parents stayed up in vail - under my orders.

and i think i did pretty well. i got my own food. i let kitty out. i took care of the flower bouquets. i got the mail. and i even had a visitor. i do have to say, though...i think i pushed it a little too far. by the time 4:00 came around, i was exhausted. and my incisions kind of hurt. so. i learned my lesson. and today i will spend most of the day reading my book - water for elephants.

i'm still waiting for a call from the oncology department to set an appointment with an oncologist - the one who will recommend treatment for me. i'm still waiting for a call about the full pathology report - including what's lamely called a her2nu result. much like the estrogen receptor positive test...it'll help to determine what drugs will help me in the future.

and then thursday i have a post-op appointment with dr. haun. i'm not really sure what happens then but i guess she looks at all my incisions to see how i'm healing and feeling.

even more fun to look forward to, though, is having my friend riki come to visit from san diego this weekend. what i've definitely learned in this process is that even i don't have too many friends here in denver - holy crap - i have some really, really good ones outside of denver.

really good news

well, i'm back.
this whole typing with my left hand isn't that cool...but at least i'm sitting up now.

yesterday was a day full of good news.

i qualified to have the drain, that eric so lovingly described, taken out!! once it's draining less and less, it can go. which, thank god!! that was a really disgusting part of this whole lovely process. so my parents and i drove to kaiser, got that taken out.

then, ss we were all finishing dinner, dr. haun called with the pathology report from the surgery. some poor soul's job is to look through the parts of people that get taken off...to evaluate what was going on in there. yuck.

so. very good news:
1) the lymph node was officially negative for cancer. i'm still trying to get clear on all of this...but i believe that means that it's almost official that cancer did not travel to the rest of my body.

2) dr. haun was able to get very good margins around the cancer areas - 8mm. which means that it's very likely i will not need radiation.

3) the cancer is still registering that it's estrogen/progesterone receptor positive. which is a good thing. this means that the cancer was fueled by estrogen. which means if i take an estrogen blocker, it'll help starve any cancer that's left over.


all of this is very good news. i'm still feeling very cautious about getting too happy or relieved, though. i still have questions about my treatment. and until those are answered (when i meet with oncology), i'm going to be a little on edge. i'm still so worried i'll have to have chemotherapy.

and in terms of how i feel?
let's see...the nurse yesterday asked me if i could touch the top of my head with my right hand. nope.
i have all these stretches and exercises to do that hurt...and also really stretch me emotionally. like standing facing a corner, putting both of my forearms against the walls, the leaning towards the corner. someone has GOT to be kidding me with that one. no way can i do that.

i also just still have pain, twinges, stinging feelings around the incisions. and i'm still taking vicodin, which is helping a lot.

so...that's the update directly from the invalid herself.

now i have a follow up appointment with the surgeon next thursday.
sometime soon i have my first oncology appointment to talk about treatment options.

so...although we can all breathe a sigh of relief that the node is negative and all the other good things...there are still some potentially difficult things to come. i guess that's what i'm feeling now - SOME relief, but still holding back so much waiting for the treatment.

xo

Operation Complete!

Eric here -
Well, just 11 hours after getting to the hospital, we are back home. Meghan is doing very well, and the operation appears to have been really successful. As much as you can define "successful" as coming home short one breast and a lymph node. But the surgeon said it went well, and looks promising for reconstruction in the future. They will biopsy the full lymph node to check it for cancer, but preliminary biopsy was negative. Which is very positive.
Meantime, Meghan has to wear a device called a JP drain, which basically sucks the juices out of the wound in her armpit. It'll stay in for probably 4 or 5 days, and then it's back to the hospital to have it removed.
She's on Vicodin for the pain, and the nurses were adamant about making sure to take it every 3 hours so the pain doesn't ever get ahead of it. They said that with pain like this, if you wait until it hurts to take the pill, you can't catch up to the pain, and then you're screwed. So we're looking forward to nights of waking every 3 hours until further notice.
In any case, things are looking good at this point, and Jim and Judy are here with us and are taking great care of Meghan, Kitty and me.

schedule for tuesday

8:00am - Eric and I arrive at Kaiser to check-in

9:00am - Kaiser shoots me full of radioactive material

9:30am - Mom and Dad arrive at Kaiser

9:55am - Preparations for surgery begin

10:55am -Surgery (1 1/2-2 hours)

1:00pm - Recovery (2 hours)

5:00pm - By this time, if I am not feeling well enough to go home, I can decide to spend the night in the hospital. Yuck.

I imagine I will be totally out of it for a while.
So...I will have Eric crack through the tight security of blogger.com to give everyone an update on Tuesday night.

I love you all...ridiculously.
Thank you for your support, words, poems, cards, flowers, cookies, candies, coffees, and skirts. :)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

as if I don't have enough to worry about...

Here I am supposed to be worried about having surgery, worried about losing a part of my body to the medical waste bin...Instead I'm worried that I won't have surgery.

When I had the biopsy last Tuesday, the technician put three strips of surgical tape to seal up the incision. She put them on SO tight that it hurt the area if I sat up straight, if I moved really. So I spoke to the surgeon about it. She told me I could take off the tape and instructed me to put neosporin on the blisters 2-3x a day. It's been 5 days now and I still have the blisters...and they aren't very nice looking.

Well, when a nurse called me this morning to confirm all of the appointments and the surgery tomorrow, she asked me if I had any new scratches or wounds around the area. She said if I did, it might be necessary to postpone surgery to avoid infection. I told her about the blisters. Then I also talked to another nurse who suggested we call the surgeon about them.

She called Dr. Haun and Dr. Haun said she could try her hardest to work around the blisters. Which I guess is a relief. But I'm still pissed the technician put the tape on so tight that it irritated my skin so much to give me bloody blisters?!! Grrrr...And to almost have to postpone the surgery for stupid blisters?!! Like I don't have enough going on in my head and body.

blizzard of 2007?

I feel like a crazy person.

I have a list of things that I feel I need to do, to get, to deal with before Tuesday's surgery. As I run through the checklist, it feels as if there's a 100% chance of the-worst-blizzard-to-ever-hit-the-state happening on the third Tuesday in July. Or maybe it's like Hurricane Gloria's about to hit and I desperately need to buy plywood to cover the windows.

1) grocery shopping - onions, orange juice, fruit, garbanzo beans, seltzer
2) library - check out the maximum amount of dvds and magazines to add to the Netflix movies already en route
3) walgreens - straws, drano, maybe some swedish fish and some peppermint patties for the freezer

I feel like I should be buying batteries, flashlights, water, canned goods, too. And tomorrow's my last chance to do everything.

*sigh*

One of my neighbors offered me valium. Another offered me xanax. Sitting here now...I can't imagine why I didn't storm their houses the second they offered...

this is making me sick

Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wasn't acutely aware of how many people had had breast cancer themselves.

Now?

Someone has GOT to be kidding me - both with my own diagnosis and EVERYONE else's.

Since I've been diagnosed (17 days ago) I have accumulated so many stories of other women who've had breast cancer:
-the nurse who helped me as the victim of IV fainting
-the MRI technician
-another nurse's mom, grandmother, and aunt
-2 of my friends' moms
-my friend's sister
-numerous friends of my mom
-my neighbor's mom
-my coworker
-my coworker's 4 friends
-211,000 women in the U.S.and more than 1.1 million worldwide in 2005 alone
-etc., etc., etc...

I guess what's been happening to me over the last couple days is I'm somewhat beyond the shock of this. And now I'm just in disbelief at how many more cases I hear about. And then I think about all the time, energy, tears, and money that go into this. So far I've met with 5 doctors. I've had 3 biopsies. I've met with 4 technicians. I've talked with 4 nurses. I've met with all of them in the last 3 weeks. Think of all the money that's gone into this. And I haven't even HAD the surgery or the treatment yet!

I'm infuriated.
There's got to be more prevention.
And prevention doesn't just mean catching it in a mammogram.
Cause that's what happened to me...and this type of prevention sucks.

***
(And to make Susie proud...)
The Massachusetts Breast Cancer Coalition is doing a lot of research and advocacy.
Take a look if you're interested: http://mbcc.org/

(And go VC!)
http://erbc.vassar.edu/

some more good news

The results from Tuesday's biopsy were negative. Which is good news.

What that means is that the area from the node that they biopsied is negative for cancer. It still means another part of the node could be positive. It still means other nodes could be positive. But it's still "promising," says Dr. Haun.

So we'll just wait for Tuesday to have more official results.

and then the harder part of the day

I had to have a follow-up ultrasound because there was something barely suspicious in the mammogram.

I went in with the hopes they would not have to do another biopsy. This was going to be nothing. Someone was just being really cautious.

Sadly, I was thinking too positively.

The radiology doctor, who I saw the first time, thought he saw something a little odd in one of my lymph nodes - a little lobular. He said it was something like a 10% chance the node would be cancerous. He suggested that he biopsy it just to be able to give the surgeon as much information as possible prior to the surgery. I agreed. And he stuck me again. With a massive needle. And the horrible plastic-on-plastic clicking and pulling and grabbing in my armpit. Ow.

So...now I'm a little handicapped with my right arm, a little stiff, a little pain. And I wait for Thursday for the results of this one. And of course I forget what this will mean if it's positive. There's so much to keep track of.

At least Netflix is sending "Fletch Lives" in the mail today.

meeting with the plastic surgeon

There's nothing to make someone feel like an extremely small-chested woman than for a plastic surgeon to tell her he's never worked on someone so small before. The head of the department.

So...I walk in. He tells me all the different options - including ones that made me gag. Like cutting a stomach muscle and rearranging that plus the fat from the stomach up to the new boob. And some of the risks are that your stomach bulges out because it no longer has that muscle to keep it all together. Nice - your get a boob job and then you need a tummy tuck. Luckily though, the doctor said I didn't have enough fat on my stomach to do such a procedure. A compliment with benefits.

Anyway, after discussing all the possibilities...he tells me has to measure me. He measures, he sits down, looks at me, looks at his books, looks at me. And then he tells me..."you know, the smallest I can make your right breast will be bigger than your left breast already is. So unless you don't mind being lopsided, I'll have to augment your left to match." Thanks, doc. He said the surgery he would recommend for me would be using an expander - putting it in me and then every few weeks putting more fluid in the expander to stretch my own skin over the course of a few months. He said, though, he would have to use the smallest possible expander in me...he's never had to use that one before...275ccs. Is he treating me like I'm a prepubescent child?

So it looks like I might get bigger boobs out of this after all. Eric was saying yesterday, if there'd been a category in the high school yearbook for least likely to get implants, I probably would've won. Least likely to live in Colorado, check. Least likely to date a professional football player, check. Least likely to get implants, check.

Well, at least I've exceeded expectations.

"laughter is the best medicine"

Yeah well...I'm actually not laughing today...I'm trying to find out who's playing this joke on me.
That's the feeling today: that this is not really happening to me.
Why do I have all these breast cancer surgery dvds around the house? Why do I have all these breast books lying on the coffee table? Why am I trying harder than normal to drink a lot of water and eat a lot of protein? All in preparation for some fake surgery???

*sigh*

Tomorrow is the appointment with the plastic surgeon to talk about reconstruction options. Should be fun.

Then there's an appointment to get another ultrasound. When they looked at the MRI results there was something a little bit suspicious, but not really that suspicious. So as a precaution, they want to do another ultrasound and possible another biopsy. Nobody thinks there will be anything. But...still...

The thought of another biopsy is not fun. (Although I guess I'd rather 90 biopsies over chemo.) Thinking of the past biopsies makes me gag. They didn't hurt. But I always thought of biopsies as sticking a long TINY TINY needle into you and then pulling it very easily out - who knows where I got that idea. MY biopsy was all this serious tugging, pushing, tons of pressure, pulling. Ug. Such a disconcerting feeling.

Anyway...tomorrow we'll see what happens.

And thank you for all of your comments and thoughts and prayers and movie suggestions. (I put a bunch of the movies into our Netflix queue already.) It all sounds so cliche to be saying...but everything all of you have said helps so much. It's very easy to feel pretty alone in this, especially in Denver. But I feel this overwhelming force around me - built of all of you. xo